I don't...want to go outside. I'm scared of people

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I’m just scared. I’ve made a plan to go to library tomorrow and have lunch, but I’m just SO scared.

I’ve realized that the studying room will be filled with young people, which is my age?

I’ve done therapy for PTSD for 3 years, and nothing seems to help. I’ve done EMDR but it doesn’t help either. I’m just so scared after watching news about a schizophrenic who murdered a person (may she/he rest in peace) and I feel like…if any word got out my family’s done. I’m so paranoid, so scared, so afraid, and so shaken that I know that every move of me can affect my family.

My mom says to me, “The abuse was 11 years ago. You can’t forget that…still? It’s so long ago.”
I don’t know, mom- I wish I knew.

Most of all, I’m just scared of people. PTSD is a scary thing…

So I’ve made this plan: work myself till I get tired. Study hard, do all the chores, and don’t let your mom do it. I’ll do it all, and she doesn’t have to. She suffered enough because of me.
If I’m tired, I’ll forget about PTSD. Although my MD muscles will start to be in severe pain, I’m ok with that…

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I’ve never been able to forget trauma and most of it occurred 35 years ago. But with therapy it can help lessen the impact. PTSD unfortunately just doesn’t go away.
Don’t be afraid to go out and do what you need to do.
Trust me there are other people out there who feel just like you do.
The anxiety will get better if you force yourself to do what is causing the anxiety.

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I’ve asked my mom if I could do counseling. She said yes.
I think it’ll help lessen that fear of people.
I’ve had PTSD for years but it doesn’t seem to do so. I’m in pain 24/7, even so more now that the internet just became a really scary place in Korea for me. I hated that I had to order in Korea of anything I wanted because overseas shipping is so expensive. Like, on internet I somehow see a negative connotation against us. It’s so scary…

Maybe I’m still really unlikeable and ‘must be abused’…that’s what the educators said
they said I deserved to be punished or kicked.
they said I did something wrong.

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None of that is true, and from what I’ve seen of your music you are very gifted indeed.

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Thank you. I just can’t escape the flashback of being hit by a ruler?
Thank God only my grade 5 teacher was not abusive. Grade 3, 4, and 6 all were
the classmates were just so rude to me. They wanted to abuse me.
It’ll take time.

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Time heals, don’t let it tear you down. I think we all have demons from our past.

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Try doing some baby steps, if you feel anxious about being out there do like a goal. For example half an hour there, if it’s to much see if you can handle 20 minutes out there, see how your brain does for a limit period of time.
Try to feel comfortable with a time that you think that is safe for you…

Regarding your mom issues with you. She is super unfair, you didn’t decide to live, it was her choice to bring you to this world(and your father). What I’m trying to say is that you don’t have to bother what she suffers with you, you didn’t choose to be ill.

As for your ptsd, you did your best at therapy and had to relive all those traumatic events, which makes you very brave. I’m not a therapist but you should value your will to recover, try make your mom see that.

You know you have value and you live in a tough culture, it’s hard being a korean in korea these days, there’s a lot of pressures on your society which might not help you on your path to recovery but don’t give up! Do the best you can and don’t over critize you so much on the things you can’t do if you can’t you can’t end of story, maybe on another time you might feel better to try again :wink:

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