The battles of mind

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I took a break from sz today to here what people had to say about other mental illnesses. It was more or less the same as with sz. Stigma, isolation, never being understood. The same messages of positivity, of hope, learning to love yourself.

Still though they are very different illnesses.

It kind of opened my eyes to how widespread the situation is. How many people live a life similar to mine. Even though the actual experience is very different in each case.

I’d like to meet more mentally ill people in real life. I could use some good friends. If they were sz it’d be even better.

I’m chained to the sidelines now. Always watching people who are in a better state then I am. Even if my troubles went away I’d still have this huge massive ■■■■ show in my past.

Life with mental illness has three fronts, the battle to be physically sustained, the battle to mentally recover, and also the battle to find people who understand you, people who are on your level.

As soon as I hit a good stride I get hopeful for full recovery, then… I crash.

Sometimes the world seems as it should and my mind is ■■■■■■, other times my mind seems as it should and it’s the world that’s ■■■■■■, most of the time it’s both.

I think most people would agree the world is a pretty ■■■■■■ up place.

I don’t really know where to go from here. All I can really hope for is numbness to all this ■■■■. Maybe then it will subside.

It’s unfair though, the psychotic situation I’m in. It’s like being picked apart by anyone and everyone I see. It makes them seem perfect. Like people who were born telepathic. I know that really their not but for how little people expose their flaws the experience is maintained.

I saw a pic earlier. It was of the joker from batman with the words imposed “why should I feel bad for becoming a monster, no one else feels bad for making me this way.”

I don’t consider myself a monster by any means. I’d never do anything monsterous. But inside I’m hideous and dirty. It is the content of my hallucinations that has brought me to this point. The first words that come to mind whenever I’m not distracting myself are just a terrible spiral. I loath the self for returning to these thoughts, but it is just what happens, I really can’t think of any other words in those moments.

No one sees it, but in my mind they do.

Life goes on. I’m sure with time things wi get better, I’m just realizing how slow things change. It’s not like you have an epiphany and that changes your thinking.

I am starting to be able to feel my thoughts and swallow them before I have to hear them.

At the grocery today I had a nice level of mental silence, just observing, just being a physical body. That’s probably where I’m gonna end up, I’ll be much happier that way. I can always allow the good thoughts.

Looking back though I have a lot of memories of experiences that led up to this. Like prototypes of the experience. Watching my thoughts, even back then. Trying to be mentally perfect. I was thinking to hard, it became systematic, then the hallucinations started.

Social situations are changing. Mainly because I just don’t care. I’m tired of going out of my way to see people for weeks before I get a decent conversation. I find myself not wanting to meet new people or learn their names, I don’t want to worry about their impression of me, I don’t want to judge them, and I really don’t care to hear what they have to say. Typically it takes time for people to really expose their intellect and perspective and identity. There are a lot of awkward moments in there as well. I’d rather learn to live without people. To develop a mind that entertains itself. I’ll still maintain my web activities, but trying to keep of with/interact with the normies just really sets me off.

At least I don’t have to fight the real life battle. I have a house, food, a car to get around.

There is a lot to learn from taking a look at other mental illnesses. I used google plus to find a mental health community.

Good luck peeps. Feel free to share what your currently struggling with.

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I’ve definitely felt like quitting work and asking my doc about disability although I know that is not the answer.

I think I just need a simple job where I go to work , do my thing and be done with it at the end of the day.

Hmmm today I had some strange tracer image of the shower drain there was like a hologram looking image of the drain beside it. Kept appearing and disappearing.

Besides that’ all Is well.

Keep on going man

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If you’ve never been hospitalized and aren’t formally diagnosed… It would be tough to get on disability. It really doesn’t pay much, if it weren’t for family support I wouldn’t have the quality of life that I have.

(Uncertain if you were diagnosed or not)

Your life would probably be less satisfying as well.

I mirror your advice back at you. Stay the course.

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I am a little worried that some new type of hallucination will start happening. I think that mindset increases the likely hood of it happening. Totally ■■■■■■■ trap. Distract distract distract.

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my tolerance for others is like the tied… it comes and goes…

I hope you feel better soon. I guess I’m at the point were I don’t want to isolate. I’ve done that… and got lonely.

I don’t have a lot of friends… just two who came back into my life. But full isolation lets my sneaky brain have room to move… (and get worse) I need a few people. I think I’ve been using people to keep me distracted from my own brain.

I’m currently swinging between manic hyper and empty disconnected flatness… My doc and I are discussing mood stabilizers.

Good luck and hope you keep feeling better.

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Good luck Bryan,there will be setbacks,for everyone…your still good as you seems to know what you want for your life and you also seem contend with your life,contendment and your acceptance probably would make you recover,just be patient a little over your functioning level and maybe becareful not have too high expection

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Not trying to be an ass, generally your English is pretty good. Never had a problem understanding you, I hope you don’t mind being corrected. Content and contentment are the proper spelling. To contend with something is to challenge or compete with. The contenders entered the ring etc.

Thanks for reading guys, just communicating with people who understand is nice.

I am hoping that acceptance of my situation will lead me to content happiness. The other day I was considering the idea of moving to the town my father lives in to attend school. This was in a period of remission, but by the end of the day all the worries of the move, new faces, the commute everyday, quiting smoking(just so I could focus on class work), expecting to be symptomatic yet still challenge my mind to learn and meet deadlines. All that ■■■■ stressed me out to the point of a near breakdown. I fell silent, symptomatic, delusional. Had to close that door, it was to much.

It’d have to be as easy and smooth as possible. Being a couple days later I feel like I could handle it again, but I know that I’d run into bad moments where I’d literally shut down and hide.

The challenge will always be out there. The cool thing is that I can actually afford it if I take no more than 8 hrs a semester. I’ve already got a lot of college under my belt.

I don’t know, this illness has changed everything.

For now it’s just a dream. Keeping that in mind allows me to not stress.

End of tangent.

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Made me think about an observation-driven theory I’m toying with that at least some sz volk are actually members of a very small group of people who figured out at a very young age that everyone else is “nuts.” But because they were so young, they didn’t yet have the ability to take care if themselves, let alone the sense of autonomy, individuality and ego strength to be able to hang with that real-I-zation. So their egos caved in, they began to get really scared, and they had to find a way to deal with that… and headed off into whatever kind of “extreme” thinking that seemed to protect them the terror they experienced every time they remembered that everyone else is unable to see the way things really are, “normal-ly delusional” or just plain lying to themselves.

I say this because I have (occasionally) run into others in my adventures in psych wards and “therapy” groups who share that conviction. Once I found the “mindfulness” thing a few years ago, I began to spend more and more time stepping up out of the common cult-ural “box” – the “consensus trance” – and looking at (and listening very carefully to) so-called “well” people.

More and more, I began to see how they believe in all this baloney they must have learned in school, at the dinner table, watching TV, listening to popular song lyrics, wanting to be accepted by their friends. I’d done the same thing until I started reading Albert Ellis, Pia Mellody, Ronald D. Lang, Theodore Lidz, Aaron Esterson and Jules Henry a few years ago. I began to see how it had made me more and more (and more) anxious, depressed and angry.

By the time I got to Arthur Deikman, Charles Tart and Jiddu Krishnamurti, I was pretty sure I wasn’t the only person who’d been “made crazy” by trying to believe things that weren’t true just to get along with other people. I’ve been on almost 20 different psych meds, but I’m down now to 12.5 mgs of Seroquel at night. Period.

Even though some parts of my mind struggle with feeling like they’re all alone in a world full of people who can’t see how brainwashed they are… and how it makes them do all kinds of things I used to do that I don’t do anymore. Those parts of my mind get scared, but there’s another, newer part that sort of comforts them and reminds them that the really “crazy” people can’t hurt them if they just stay away from them and hang out with people whose “craziness” they can relate to.

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Well man. The brainwashing is presented. Some people take to it. Others don’t. I was opposed to it in the extreme and still hate it. You grow up your life trying to be different just to wind up being sz. You reality doesn’t line up with others. This allows a lot of room for sneaky brained thinking to set in. It creates a whole new reality for you.

It’s pretty unfair. The social world chews you up only to be further destroyed by the human potential for schizophrenia.

There is an “us” in our mind and a lot of other things. Most of the other stuff just subconsciously mirrors/processes the world. It becomes a representative of it. When it becomes active it can become far more evil over the simplest things.

Your fear shape the potentials of this dark mind. Voices, telepathy, ■■■■ I haven’t experienced. Religious ■■■■. The mind takes to a life of its own.