I don't know how I will continue

my life is very difficult, I don’t know how I will continue.
I have intrusive thoughts all the time, although they became better.

What medication are you on?

olanzapine
1515151515

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You woke up earlier today @Erez_Shmerling keep it up

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@julian88 leave me alone!
I don’t know how I will continue living

Did the intrusive thoughts get better or worse after you started the olanzapine?

the intrusive thoughts got better.
My situation is very difficult now though.

Was your situation even more difficult before you started on the olanzapine?

I don’t know, my situation off olanzapine was very bad, and my situation now is very bad.
I am calmer now and have less intrusive thoughts, but the situation is still very difficult.
I have no idea how I managed to get this far and how I will continue like this for decades on end,
but I guess as crazy as it sounds this is the default unless you commit suicide,
which I don’t want to think of.
Between 2 great evils, both are really great evils I’d rather stay on medication.

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How is your financial situation? Can you afford to go on vacation?

@automaton I myself have nothing, not even disability benefits, but I have the support
of my parents who are doing fine.
I appreciate your concern.

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Try not to think about the decades to come. Just do this:

Have as much fun as you possibly can right now. Think about your situation right now and think about all the possible things you could do right now that would just be fun. Think about that for a bit, maybe even make a list on paper. Then choose the most fun one and do it. If the most fun thing you can think of is to just sit there with your fist to your forehead and groan, then so be it, do that. Or maybe you just want to lay down and close your eyes and stop thinking, then do that. Or maybe you are gonna go tell your parents to give you money to go to Fiji for 3 days, awesome, do that. Don’t worry about your future as a math researcher. By figuring out how to overcome these feelings you will get way smarter than by studying math trust me.

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@automaton look. I wrote that I wanted to be a math researcher when I had intrusive thoughts,
as a result of them. It is not practical so I consider it an intrusive thought.
I don’t intend to have fun, this is not my philosophy.
It is not my goal to have fun.
On the contrary, I believe that my feet are firmer on the ground if my philosophy is that I am ready to suffer.
After all I am neither a hedonistic person, nor do I have prospects like a job or starting a company etc.
However, I do exercise and eat healthy and value my life immensely.
I try to lead an active lifestyle as much as possible.

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One day at a time.

:blush:

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@velociraptor that’s a nice one! A cliché that works!

25+ years clean and sober in AA in addition to having SZ. Today may be a crappy day, but it’s just today. Tomorrow is a new day and it just might be awesome.

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Keep fighting, Erez!