I can't reach out for help

I’m about to write something I never tell anyone. I’ve only told one person in my life. Since I was around 16 I have been having violent thoughts about hurting people. Since I was 12 I’ve been having feelings of killing myself. These thoughts never gone away and they have always been there. It’s come to a point where I just accepted them as my curse or illness. I’m so scared to tell people because I don’t want to show what really goes on in my head. I tell people I hear voices or hallucinate but I never tell them those two things. In fact I avoid telling people these things because its a one way ticket to the mental hospital, and where I live they don’t do a good job treating people with mental illness. I know this because I’ve already been in the hospital because I confessed about feeling thoughts of killing myself. They didn’t do anything for me, they locked me in a room with a guard at the door. That’s it, I’m not going through that again. Mental health care is so bad here I’m scared to get help. For years I’ve lived with these thoughts and they are terrible.

I see things like pictures. They pop around my eyes fast showing dead people or myself dead. I see people suffering, I hear them screaming. I see so much violence in my head that I scare myself, sometimes I just watch these images though. Sometimes when I’m angry it’s me hurting people, this is the main reason I don’t get angry.

I know it’s messed up. I can’t believe I confessed that because now people will think I’m violent. I don’t hurt people though I work in senior homes, I care for vulnerable people. In these thoughts its never these people. I don’t know I know I shouldn’t of wrote this. I’m just so tired of holding this on my shoulders. I’m sorry.

I have violent thoughts and think of killing myself, I don’t think in pictures though. I could understand the distress. I know I’m never going to hurt any innocent people though, I just have a lot of anger and frustration. Wouldn’t mind hurting a bully or evil person though.

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You’re good sense to not hurt those your trusted to care for is most important.
Keep your thoughts clear on the idea it’s NEVER ok to hurt others for any reason, ever-period.
If you can’t be clear on this, take yourself out of line of work you do and find a different kind of work.

I’d never hurt people. I didn’t write this because I want to I wrote this because it’s the last thing I want to do. I love caring for people in fact its the only thing that’s making me feel human anymore.

I think of hurting my old bullies or people that deserve it. I would never do it but the thought crosses my mind.

I get that. I used to think that too, but I don’t really care anymore. It takes more energy to constantly dwell on and think about that, also it brings me down.

It does to me too and it happens a lot more when I’m unmedicated which has been happening a lot more these past few months. I’ve probably been off my meds more then I have been on them.

What you are experiencing is called intrusive thoughts. They don’t mean you’re violent or bad. Just the opposite. Everybody gets random violent or disturbing thoughts at some point. It’s just a quirk in how the human brain works. Most folks just shrug it off and dismiss it as a random brain glitch. But for some people, the thoughts are too disturbing to dismiss. So their brain starts to obsess over them, and they get more and more of these disturbing thoughts. I used to get horrible thoughts and images about killing my students or hurting my family members. I spent a long time thinking I was evil. But all it is is a random brain glitch, followed by an obsessive loop. Your brain is showing you your darkest fears, not your hidden desires.

The best way to treat intrusive thoughts is to work on just letting them happen, without becoming upset by them. When I get one now, I just breathe slowly, remind myself that it’s just a random brain glitch, and wait for it to pass. I still have the thoughts sometimes, but they don’t come as often anymore, and they don’t interfere with my life.

I guarantee you that every single person on the planet gets these random violent or sexual or disturbing thoughts. But nobody talks about it, because that’s a rule of our society.

I will say that if you ever feel like you might act our one of these thoughts, you should go right to the hospital, but I don’t think that is a danger for you.

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I just sometimes feel I have these cause of all my emotions I bottle up and suppress

That can be a cause. Extra stress tends to make them show up more. If you don’t feel comfortable telling your therapist what thoughts you have been having, just tell her you’re struggling with intrusive thoughts. You don’t have to go into detail, and she might have some good strategies for how to deal with them.

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I can understand this because when I cut hair before my Dx, I used to want to drown a couple of old biddies who were nothing but complaining bitches.
I knew I’d never hurt them intentionally, so one time while shampoo’ing one of them, the water hose got away from me and a ton of water pored down on her face.
I was horrified and laughing (inside) at the same time.

What did you teach, if you don’t mind me asking?

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Applied behavioral analysis. Basically, I worked with students who had behavioral disorders and helped them learn to stop hurting other people and themselves.

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