I remember one night staying up all night and saying “Even if I was a bird, I would be asking God ‘Why the F did you put me here on this rock?’” Like…even if I was a stupid ass animal I still would be questioning why the f am i here?
I remember that same night just saying…there’s no point to anything. Nothing is real. Nothing matters. Why the hell do we do this, do that, etc…, etc…
I explained life to such a point that nothing mattered at all. I wasn’t always that way. I used to accept life.
Now I’m doing better but those thoughts stick with me.
It’s like I had to start over after that point. After that point of nothingness I had to re-learn everything, and I’m a better man for it, but at the same time those thoughts linger.
I’m sure people have experienced depression badly but it’s hard for me to imagine. I was soooooooo depressed.
I had a plan for suicide once and I was a day away but for some strange reason decided not to. I haven’t thought about suicide much at all in over a year now.
If it weren’t for my belief in God I probably would have done it. If I knew everything went black, I would have done it. But I’m gonna wait until I’m old and gray and go to heaven rather than when I’m young and go to hell…not that I have any reason to anymore. But some people say they’re depressed, but they’re not depressed like I’ve been and still am. (Although it doesn’t seem as bad anymore because of how much better I’m doing)
i had a dream tonight that explained everything why we are here like i experienced the answer to the universe, it was stupid and did not make any seance but i felt it in my head i was happy. then it was followed by nightmares because the longer you sleep the weirder and more horrible the dreams become.
I mean depression is bad for everyone. No ones depression is worse than someone elses.
We all experience it differently. I have been having short bouts of some pretty low depressive spells - I quickly cycle down into them - but I am really constantly depressed, but not always severely depressed.
I hope you feel better @turningthepage
Yeah I’m constantly depressed but never severely depressed anymore. But when i was severely depressed it was worse than I could imagine, but then again I’m probably wrong. It’s hard to pick out a person in public and say “they’re severely depressed”, it seems everyones happy on their merry way, or just bitter, never depressed. Idk. The only place I see people who are clearly depressed is AA meetings and that’s still rare.
This is exactly what I have experienced. I thought I was going through some ‘spiritual’ thing until I reached the same point you reached. I have much sympathy for you, because for me reaching the point of ‘nothingness’ was truly terrifying. Except for me it got even worse. I started down the same road as Nietzsche. I became enmeshed in deep thought and started to go insane. Luckily, I saw what was happening and switched off from it.
This is not depression. I had an overwhelming and strange experience that I still cannot make sense of. I feel exactly like you. I don’t know why I am here, and at times I wonder who or what I really am. Why I believed certain things. I now try to return my brain to more mundane activities, but I know things aren’t the same. I know I am not sharing a common experience with everyone else. At times I almost tune other people out, like I am in a dream.
The most frightening part of all this was the reality of the ‘Supreme Being’ or ‘Cosmic Force’. This has ‘totalled’ my faith, to use an American expression. This ‘Force’ has done things that don’t match up to my beliefs, however much I try to make them fit. I know some people may chortle at what I am about to say, but this ‘Force’ is so powerful and all-knowing that it is able to see things years in advance…and physically place objects as large as a 2-ton van. Yeah, go on, laugh. I wish I could. Because thanks to the new age dickheads with their crystals, tarot cards and nose-talc, such comments will never be taken seriously.
Hope you can count on this voided feeling for years to come.
My depression began before my teens–pushed myself into self-harm by isolation and homelessness–and suicide attempts. The Full Damage of all that is an experience of dull-spirited brokenness. My depression continued into my working class life. At 28, I began to heal.
At 41, I have to go to safe places I created when my suicidal self nags. I seriously created safe places–warm blogs, books, places, healthy influences-- to go to in order to not remain trapped in suicidal thinking patterns. I also read a lot. Books about neuroscience help me to understand how part of the patterns of depression are a result of dysfunctioning brain oscillations, the empathy circuit and other physiological processes that have nothing to do with self-control.
What keeps me from not isolating myself is the fact that many other folks the world over have lived lives even though they have hardships and have suffered in some way. I read a lot and their stories matter to me. If they can manage to live on, then I push myself to have the will power to work towards personal goals and experience healthy forms of give and take.
When I read about descriptions of depression, I become scared. I admit that. Depression is scary. Maybe that is why you are aware your experience with depression differs.
Yup I know it felt like I had to re-learn stuff too if that makes any sense. Just put the puzzle together bud. You see on the news Israel, radical muslims, obama, although we can’t make a perfect guess of what is going on, we can be in tune to the global chat, so our minds don’t go wandering off on their own. Money, power, material things to focus on in your state of depression, try different colognes, pheromones to help bost awareness of scent. My help is always specialized. Because I been down to that abyss and back plenty times. Not once did suicide run through my mind. It’s important to believe and to love yourself, that you, I we are all here in these very real times together. And we can all make a minor or major difference if we put our efforts to it.
First as a teenager. Tried to drink myself to death from alcohol poisoning. That is a terrible idea if you are used to drink a lot and have high tolerance. I ended up crying in a playhouse in the playground all night. I also planned to jump from a bridge, but my mom decided to come with me for a walk. Maybe she followed her intuition.
Second time I tried I ended up in ER with ambulance. I was 32. They sent me home some hours later with a hangover from hell. Two weeks later I was going to end it once for all. But decided to ask for help. That’s when I was hospitalized.
I was both depressed and had voices telling me I was no good, worthless, I had to die.
The feeling that nothing matters, complete darkness, that you have given up on life, emptiness, that my soul has left the body is a hard path to walk and it’s hard to find the light. I found my light as a teen when I decided to buy a puppy. It was a slow process but I turned.