So am really paranoid and anxious still… It gets ultra physical too, so i cant live well yet…
I take my meds though, i was also in the psychiatry for 10 years, the pdocs even ended up by saying that i now should just pay efforts… I take my meds too, was always med compliant…
But one friend has an episode now, she fears the hospital, which i understand…
But tbh, since a time i fight for my salvation and i still do it mainly alone, cause unable to be with many other people still…
And when am scared, i am passive etc, but everyone in my circle blames me for this too… I live myself as a coward, as a bad person too…
But now this friend wants help from me, while i cant do it anymore…
She plays badly on my conscience about that, no matter that am worried for her and i’ll pray against another hospital for her tbh…
But she blames me to not be a good friend, while i try somehow to even not hate myself about my paranoia and the way, that i act because of it… 
I tried to reassure her somehow, but i need some distance now and she takes that awfully, i risk soon to be treated as a traitor… I feel bad about this… but i really cant help no one now, i deal with a tough mother too, but this still probably sounds bad, to not being able to help… Oh yeah, my mother blames me for my passivity too,yeah…
Am i wrong to cant help now and even hide?? yeah, this sounds bad… 
You sound like you could use some self love.
And you need to set boundaries. If people drain your energy you have to keep them at arms length.
I had to do the same with my dad. He wanted to meet today, but I said no. He’s a challenging person (energy vampire as they call it) and I will still meet him on occasion but I have to set boundaries.
You have to look after yourself @Anna1
You are doing the right thing
Sorry to all maybe about my paranoia now here, but i still carry it a bit, am fragile and tried all aps without totally getting rid of it, believe me…
So i stand away now from hospitals, my zyprexa helps so so, but I’ll never get better until i improve my life either, so thats what am trying now…
But yes, i get overwhelmed still when blamed or hearing threats, its normal even…
But i really dont trust my mother anymore, she never believed in my recovery, while i glimpse it now, but she can easily put me in a hospital again still so i deal alone with lots of stuff…
In fact, since 2 years ago, i entered in a dysphoric mania, my pdoc said it, but its cause i started to get out and finally discover the world… My pdoc said that for my case, this is even good, cause i was smashed for the previous 20 years…
But am grounding on that now too, my paranoia is more tangible now, we talked that i could increase my zyprexa a bit now…
The thing is that i still risk to have on me too much expectations from my friends and family, i feel fragile still for that, idk how I’ll deal, idk how I’llcontinue to socialize now…
Hugs to all
Ok, i regret my messages now…
I probably should deal alone my current fears…
Its just, that now everyone around me expects that i already behave normally, while i still get symptoms and idk when’s the next time, that i cant be there for anyone…
I’ll keep trying to heal, this is sure, but its not my time now to go into a hospital, cause i get better results staying away from them now…
And yes, i dont trust my mother much anymore…
My friends also are a bit harsh on me, they share easily their problems only with me, while i cant take this all the time either…
Kay, enough now, I’ll try to convince myself here, that am not an awful gal and that all is fine…
Friends should not be dependent and a problem. I think you are right in being more independent for now because you have to think of yourself. Family and friends should not use guilt.
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