when something bad happens i blame myself…even though I know deep within me that my mistakes do not inlfuence another’s actions or decisions/or my life does not affect another’s karma…it still scares me…because in wanting to do good i want to cause a ripple effect of kindness, what about when i mess up and cause a ripple of mistakes…thats why i dont like the idea of karma…but when I think deeply about it i know that i am only in charge of my own reality and my own destiny no one else’s…
so i should stop blaming myself when tragedies happen or when things go awry…im not queen of the universe…thats delusional…
trying to think clearly…though I cant have a single mistake or everything falls apart–ie:
always clean after myself
cant smoke cigarettes or vape//have to wear patch every day
cant miss a dose of medication or lose sleep
must use cpap even if it doesnt seem to work
have to replace filter and water in cpap
have to do laundry every week
have to not overspend or run out of grocery money for the month
cant miss appointments
cant sleep too much or will gain weight
have to use gym exercise or will get unhealthy
saw doctor today and changed things up so they make more sense…
got form filled out…
trying not to self sabatogue or self-hate because i am mad at myself for being such a failure…and i feel like the whole world hates me. I cant fake positivity or i just am lost in delusion.