I haven’t talked a ton about it because I literally have had to put it on the back burner so I don’t get worse off. A week ago when I had my first catatonic episode , I came out of it and panicked and was alone so I texted my mom. She called me and I texted her that I couldn’t really talk on the phone but texting was fine, and I told her what happened in great detail and how horrifying the hallucinations were. Her response? “Damn.” And then literally the next text she starts talking about her issues, which I recognize are bad as well, but I had a mood swing and texted her that she quickly made the convo about herself and she started gaslighting me hardcore. She said I never even responded to her so I sent her a screenshot of the messages from ten mins prior, and circled my reply. This was her rely to that
When I read that, I was heading back to bed because I was upset, but those messages sent me spiraling and I had a huge breakdown . I woke up my boyfriend and cried so hard I collapsed. That was honestly the worst thing she’s done to me and that’s saying a lot. She’s very clearly a narcissist and can’t handle being told she hurts me. Shed rather cut me off on a whim than to show she cares about me.
For context, the kids are my brother’s not mine. She’s raising them because I called CPS a few years ago because my brother and his gf were very abusive and neglectful and CPS immediately took action.
I have an old friend who is a drug addict and is the same way. As soon as I start to talk about my problems, he turns the conversation back to being about him. I’m sure it’s even worse coming from your own mother. Lately, I’ve just stopped contacting my friend and never hear from him. I can’t change him and just have to accept that’s the way he is.
When people tell me their problems sometimes I’ll give an example of something I went through that is similar so we’re on common ground. In this way I can show I’ve been in a similar situation, to me it shows how I’m more understanding than someone who hasn’t experienced this problem. I think a lot of people do this out of habit. Sorry to here about your strained relationship…
I get that but that’s not what happened. She started talking about her relationship problems with my dad, it had nothing to do with what I had said. Otherwise would have given more of the benefit of the doubt. But this is a long standing pattern of hers. I can sit there and tell her I just tried to kill myself and she will quickly make it about her. When I was a teenager I attempted suicide and she didn’t do a single thing about it, didn’t even hug me.
If you want to understand yourself and your need for maternal love then you can research a sadist called Harry Harlow.
You can find snapshots of his work that used baby monkeys to test the theory of love, touch and affection. just youtube 'Harry Harlow ‘Monkey love’.
Well, anyway once you understand the nature of all human primates ( including humans) the you can understand why you return to the ‘mother’ for affection and approval even when it is destructive and abusive to you.
Then you can understand yourself and make the realisation that you may no longer need it.
First you must see why you do what you do and need the ‘love’ you crave, Then you can walk away in time.
Hey. I am sorry your mom wasn’t able to give you love and support.
I have had some experiences with unsupportive family. My grandpa disowned me back in 2019, and hasn’t acknowledged my existence ever since. Most of the family followed his example. I wasn’t allowed to see my grandmother before she died. When I showed up to her funeral, he pretended not to notice me the entire time.
After the initial sadness and rejection, however, I became a much happier and more confident person. I finally let go of the part of myself that was always trying to seek his acceptance. I let go of the shame I carried for not being the person he wanted. I let go of the unreasonable expectations that I could never meet. I learned to find joy in my weirdness. I stopped getting panicky about whether or not people liked me. I started being comfortable in my own skin and my own identity. I was able to believe that the people who love me actually DO love me. I was able to learn how to do a better job of loving them.
I haven’t spoken to him in nearly 5 years, and they have been the best years of my life. If he ever wanted to be in my life again, I would probably give him the chance. But he won’t ever want that. I am genuinely at peace with that realization now.
Aside from dating a psycho for a long time, my mom did a fantastic job with us. I take it for granted when I come on here and hear people talk about their parents being wildly irresponsible or unbelievably selfish with their advice, and I’m just floored by it. My mom would never.
I hope things are better for you, what about your dad? Is he more level headed? I wish you had someone a little more helpful. If you don’t you’ll just have to find someone other than them, but it sucks you don’t have a reliable helpful family member for support. Sorry about that.
Sorry I am having trouble responding to everything lately. I told my.dad if my mom ever wants to speak to me again she has to get sober and treatment for mental health including how to relate to others better.
