my missed years behind me… its not nothing,its like 15 years of almost daily suffering… how ill get through this, any ideas? yeah, its serious… i am paranoid because of it, fullfilled with regrets… and i dont know if ill recover one day :/… my friends told me also that they dont know anybody like me who was so isoltaed from everything in this world… ive read once on a guy who was physically disabled and he heard also by his mom that she would prefer him dead than on his bed like this… probably my mom regrets this also… besides the fact that she s struggling to love me still probably…it started like depression in my case and i got it to schizo wow…
Man don’t live regretting what could have been just be and feel happy every day,I saw that about that dude that had some kinda disease or something where he was conscious and aware but couldn’t move ,that is Sad that his ma said that and he heard her.
I haven’t socialized since high school and my family friends have said that im wasting away like if im not bar hopping and screwing whores im a failure.
I says screw them I like my life .
I don’t think woulda,coulda,shoulda thats just a waste of a thought process.
yeah catfish, but now i am stuck on the thing that ive missed everything… i wasnt somebody good i suppose… but could hardly escape the illness i think. the part of my fathers family is lazy and ill for some of them… and i come from a mixte marriage which is complicated for me now…
i try to think but my brain is on fire, i have even headaches,its painfull 
and there is no cure for this pain,its psychological i think…
being in public i feel like i haveto prove im not insane. also while aat home with my boyfriend
Yes … ,
With What You “used” OR What Helped You Along Tha Way Of Your Mischeivious T(Y)me$ , Tha Edged Suffering Thaz Has Spread Across Your Fah-chay As You Wept In Mourning , Of Who You Once Was and Who You Used To Be … ,
Recall Totally , Tha Love Within and Which Has Surrounded You During Tha Breathless Hours Of Tha Prosthetic Dreary Midnite Hours … ,
and Scribble Out What Seamed You Throo Those Helpless Draughts Of Restlessness and Vain … ,
Arise and Walk and Return As Tha Misty Drazzle Of a Light Splittering Throo Thine Invisible Reaction of Such As Has Been Threaded ,
and Say Once Again To tha , Lost and Hopeless … ,
a Hello that Is Oozing Of Comfort and a Wavering particle Of Joy that Disintagrates Within tha Frothy Mouths Of Tha Helpless … ,
There You Will Fynde Your Ideas … ,
There You Will Fynde a Reason … ,
To Be YOU ,
To Be Free ,
To Be … ,
.
.
.
Alive.
Anna I’ve read a lot of your posts, by the way you’re a very personable person. I’veI noticed you keep dwelling on and regretting your previous isolation. Keep in mind people with paranoia and agoraphobia often do isolate, this is not uncommon or cause for shame. However, if it’s something you want to change you could do it by baby steps. Why not ask your doctor or therapist if there are any groups, meetings or coping skills classes in your area? That way you could get out for a little bit in a supportive environment around others with similar issues. At first it might be uncomfortable but with time it could become enjoyable and help alleviate the isolation.
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thanks nanny, i am still on one week on zyprexa,its nothing i think 
in fact i am the opposite- i get quite enthousiastic to change things for me but with the time,i give up… i was going to a group therapy but for the moment we miss the cotherapeute so its cancelled… sz is a hard disease,that was said by my ex pdoc… i get obsession with it. and should manage with my mom who saw me for 5 years since i am on meds(for which i didnt progress) and she keeps telling me that i wont work neither i wont have a partenaire in the life… i am still rebel i suppose,i get anger when she s talking to me like that.
kiss nanny! 
Anna. it sounds like you have a lot of concern and pressure with getting better, i can relate. Some of it can just take time but try not to look at your future in such a defeatist way. Maybe focus more on the here and now and do little steps or activities to enhance your life. Take time to notice your progress no matter how small. Maybe ask your mother to not be negative about your recovery because it’s important to you. Just give the medicine time and take baby steps and things will get better. Oh it might help if every time you tell yourself something negative you counter it with a positive thought Be nice to yourself…
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yes,i am trying exactly the same thing now-to be nice to myself… i ve stopped looking for the perfect med also, it just that i am stuck between 4 walls and my nature cries for other things. its not a problem-ok,i wont have them now…its time for baby steps as you say,
take care
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People terrify me…the uncomfortable silence and thought broadcasting is devastating.