I am sick since kid

Tbh, i made a bit my peace with it, but i still think on this…
How is it even possible?
Ok, i grew up with a father who was beating till death my mom and my sister, i didnt know what is to have a simple loving conversation with him, neither a hug etc… Its possible, that he was ill too, idk…
But yeah, i knew nothing good in life since kid tbh… I dont know how it is possible… Ive made my mistakes too like retarding my treatment, being too long in chaos, smoking a lot of weed while i had this s*** in my head… maybe i was even a psycho in the past, so i need to forgive this to myself now :frowning: …Since my 20, i started to isolate till now, i am 38 years old…
I almost never had a boy who kissed me…My friends went pissed off by my complainings too… i turned even jealous from other szs, who got better on their meds for months… Me, if itll be possible, i have to wait years yeah… I guess my dad was special, yeap… But maybe he carried the illness too, so its not even his fault, idk… I was feeling sick since kid, folks, since kid… i diagnosed myself schizophrenic even before the docs, its rare to know this about yourself hah… I never knew the success in nothing… not in carreer, not in relationships and i was just a somatic infirm too… I guess theres the future now in front of me, but what a life, eh? :frowning:
I know that child sz is rare, but i was having what then in these times? i was also a very inactive kid and way too calm…
Ok, we’ll see if my zyprexa will hit me better in my head. Yeah, i need a real kick, who will fix a bit my thinking… i find myself disabled on this now… The somatics are just the consequence of this mind disability i find…
But yeah, if i have said as kid to my parents, that i am ill, i would have even then those bunch of psy meds and it would have been different and maybe hard too… God sent me here to learn some things now i guess…

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