After 20 years of isolation I went numb intellectually and emotionally, naturally… Its not easy to heal in just two of your words… I am not sure it works like this… I went numb. sometimes I cant cry…
If you feel numb enough to go out, that’s good. You don’t have to be in some kind of ecstatic, completely charged up emotional state, to do that. Numb is fine.
You’ll feel better when you’re around other people.
not always. sometimes paranoid or low motivated… Sorry, I am in pain again now because of this picking thing. I pick my skin since 15 years so it looks bad. I had a great skin. I wonder if its so important for the men the skin… Well, i’ll have my scars now when ill go out out there…
I saw a woman with a port wine birthmark on her face, pretty pronounced one, who was working at the front desk of a library. Maybe that can inspire you to go out with some facial scars. People won’t be bothered by it.
I’m going to be honest with you. I highly doubt that you are schizophrenic. I’m not a doctor, but you seem to be dealing with an anxiety disorder and depression; paranoia alone is not psychosis, and your psychosomatic (physical) symptoms are indicative not of psychosis, but of anxiety. I think you would do well to seek out a therapist that deals with anxiety and depression. I would at least get a second opinion from another psychiatrist. I know that your pdoc told you to wait for the zyprexa to kick in, but let’s just be real. It’s been 2 years. If the zyprexa were going to work, it would’ve worked by now. I’m not saying this to be mean or anything. It’s just that I’m worried you were misdiagnosed and are not receiving the proper treatment for your condition. I wish you the best. 
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And with paranoia she means fear or something, not the persecutory delusions
IDK what your diagnosis is, but you seem very depressed and anxious.
Your problem seems to be that you need to get out of your own way so you can recover.
Believing you are a victim only leads to being victimized. You are not a victim; you are a survivor, and you can be a thriver.
Don’t tell me I don’t understand depression because you don’t know where I’ve been. I was a hopeless case, but when I decided I was done being an invalid, I changed.
Many positive thoughts and blessings to you.
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Oh, I got more messages, thanks all 
Well, my pdoc was saying, that I am schizophrenic with mostly negative symptoms. I cant live without Zyprexa though circle… I am still in quite bad shape, but without it its even worse. Only with benzos and ads, I am not well, I am stopping to eat without an ap… I think I have some psychosis, but maybe I have other stuff too. That’s why I don’t look sz…
And besides my anxiety, I probably have paranoia too. I think I have some false beliefs on the others. I can get sometimes very angry and then, I am ultra scared that I can scare the others to the point that I want to hide… You should see me then… I think I have a depression yeap, but maybe a pathological character within the years too… Cause I really became angry and jealous now…Isnt it a paranoia when you believe, that the others can beat you, cause you are angry?
and meds cant heal the isolation, the depression. All the ad make me more fearful and agitated, I cant handle them. I tried them… I am on the two poles - in one hand - I am a bit dead, but on the other hand- my lack of calm in the mind causes me to be stressed.
Circle, I was once diagnosed as borderline, but theres no good trt for it too and this pdoc said, that therapy wouldn’t help me…
Idk, I now believe more in my efforts with this maintaining dose of Zyprexa and Depakote…
Idk what to say you more… You really touch me here when you write me.
But maybe after 15 years of such an isolation, every human being would be bad as me, no?..
I’m not here to diagnose you. I am not a doctor, after all. However, the important part is being ignored. When a psychiatrist meets with you, they’re meant to adjust your meds in order to treat your symptoms, not to treat a diagnosis. Your psychiatrist isn’t doing that. He originally diagnosed you with schizophrenia, and it seems to me that he’s trying to manipulate your symptoms in such a way that they fit the mold of sz. He’s treating a diagnosis.
Bottom line: You need to get a second opinion from another psychiatrist because your symptoms are not being treated.
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My pdoc was very good to me, circle… She was a good woman. We tried every possible med on the market. She ended up by saying Zyprexa helps a bit, but I should pay efforts. She said, that I should beat my negatives with efforts. You are not right on her. She was compassionate to me. At the end, not everything can be fixed just with meds. I should socialize myself now and be more active… If I should take a med for every one of my symptoms, I would be a walking pharmacy and turned into a zombie. So I try to work on myself now. I believe in me more than ever. Its already good, that I am on my feet, not in my bed. But she was really a good doctor. Its just that I lost everything many years ago and that’s why its so hard now… At the end, my doc didn’t care about my diagnosis in fact. She was just saying that I should fight. My illness is like this. My character turned bad… I should fix this by myself now… I hope I am not wrong.
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Oh yes, i had a second opinion of one other doc. He thought about sza disorder. But he was honest with me and said, that i tried too many meds in all my hospitals and docs so its the same. I should stop trying meds and seek other issues… He said that all that i took numbed me too much and thats why i suffer now too. In a way, i am just on my zyprexa and depakote now and i am trying to get used to them and become less numbed…
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Choose one way to help yourself. The first thing I did was decide to get up before noon. The second day, I got up at 11:30 AM and I celebrated. Now I have to get up at 5 AM 
but that took years. Small victories build up to big victories over time. It’s called the “snowball effect.”
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