Hey, Wave. Happy to help. First off, has your cousinâs child mentioned wanting to use different pronouns? If they are changing their name, starting hormones, and looking into surgery, it is entirely possible that they also prefer to go by he/him or they/them. It would probably mean a lot to them if you asked what pronouns they prefer to use.
If they do have different pronouns, the best way to practice is by telling stories about them when they arenât around. Mr. Star and I do this whenever we have someone change their pronouns. It helps us practice in private, so we donât get embarrassed when we mess it up. It takes about a month of solid practice before it starts to sound natural in your mind. We do still mess up sometimes, even with friends we have known for years. That happens, and it is okay. If you mess up, just a simple âSorry, I mean heâ works great. Most trans people understand that there is a difference between someone being rude by intentionally using the wrong pronouns, and someone who is trying their best to be polite but mixes it up because they have social anxiety. It is generally easy to tell who is in which category.
Transsexual is a medical term, which means the person has gone through some sort of medical transition. If someone takes hormone therapy, or has a gender affirming surgery, they would be considered transsexual, because they are changing their physical sexual characteristics.
Transgender is a broader term, which refers to anyone who does not identify as the gender they were assigned at birth. This includes people who do not take hormones, people who still use their birth name and pronouns, and nonbinary people. All transsexuals are transgender, but not all transgender people are transsexual. There is also a bit of a generational gap here, where younger trans people sometimes get bothered by the word transsexual.
Transmasculine is another broad term. It refers to anyone born female who is taking steps to appear more masculine. It includes nonbinary people, as well as trans men.
Trans men are people who were born female but fully identify as a man. Trans men will generally date straight women or gay men (or bisexual people). There is a lot of confusion here, which can be hard to explain. Basically, different people are attracted to different features.
As a straight man, Iâm sure you have heard different guys say they prefer boobs, butts, eyes, legs, etc. Iâm sure you have seen some guys show attraction to a woman you donât personally find attractive, even though you like women, because she did not have the features you find attractive. Itâs the same thing. Some people are much more interested in other physical characteristics than in the type of genitals someone has. For some people, genitals donât matter as much as say, facial hair, arms, legs, etc. when it comes to finding someone attractive.
Sexuality is also not as rigid as a lot of people outside the community believe. It is such a common experience in lgbt spaces for a gay man and a butch lesbian to hook up because they each thought the other was a different gender. It is super common for them to realize, shrug, and be like âWell we came this far, might as well finishâ and then never question it again. The labels (gay, straight, bi asexual, whatever) are more guidelines than strict definitions. And really, when it comes down to it, most people are periodically attracted to people who donât fit their identity. A gay man dating a trans man makes sense, because he might be attracted more to other features besides genitals.
A quick heads up, you probably donât want to ask your cousinâs kid how their relationship works, because, when it comes right down to it, that is you asking them how they have sex. That is not information you want to have, it is not information they want to share, and it is not information you need in order to accept that they love each other. It is probably best to leave that particular question a mystery in your head. If you do have questions about how sex between trans people can work, the answer is âit depends on the person.â The other, more snarky answer many trans people use is âeveryone has a butt.â
Anyways, that is a bunch of super technical details, which was the point of this post. Iâm going to write a second one about ettiquette and resources and such.