Hurting.....missing so many people

I just went for a drive after a good schizo rant on here…listened to the blues, I can relate to some of that old stuff you know? The pain…all that mourning of what’s been lost and passed us by.

I’m in what I guess I’ll call a significant emotional thawing period after going through months of non stop hell this summer…non stop…terror day and night…days of pacing my apartment nights of hoping for that hour of sleep to come over me.

Anyway…I’m just missing a lot of people right now. For 4 months non stop it was terror and now it’s pain from deep within. There was this woman I knew in my mid 20’s, same illness, artist. Stayed at her house one weekend after high tailing it from a cousins farm in the middle of the night. The next day it down poured and I broke down and cried nearly all afternoon in her arms. Read me inspirational quotes and neat stuff like that. We had an agreement that we’d both give what we could spare while keeping things casual…until I had a nervous breakdown after watching an adam sandler film…left the next day with the agreement that we’d part on good terms. Haven’t seen or talked to her since. Miss that person.

There’s another person I’ll mention, A friend from my late teens into my 20’s. We lived together in our first apartment on a hill looking out over a small coastal city. We were both going through some hell and both very reclusive. She was working on a comic book and had the sketches all over her bedroom wall. Another artist…Many nights spent getting so gosh darn drunk and watching Monty Python or old Mash episodes. I fell in love with that kid…but we remained just friends. She asked me a favor one night, to introduce her to the guy who was to become her husband. Then she kicked me out of her life a few years later.

Haven’t seen her since. But I did run into her husband (that guy I helped introduced her to) while out making a complete and utter fool of myself drinking in town. She works days at the same restaurant…not sure it’s the right time or if I could (couldn’t) handle seeing her again.

Just two people I’m missing during an incredibly painful and scary chapter of my life. Having a lot of regrets and thinking of all the oh so many missed or total fail opportunities throughout my life. Don’t know why I get so stupid sentimental…just there were more than a few times this past year I thought it was pretty much over for me and not sure (though I still trudge on somehow) it isn’t still…my life that’s what.

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Yeah there’s tons of people in my life who stabbed me in the back when I got ill. I try to look past it because now my true friends show. Blues are cool. I like grateful dead bob Dylan and Janis Joplin…all heavily influenced by the blues…don’t really listen to it myself though.

yeah I like a lot of what the dead did and went through a Bob Dylan phase…I don’t listen to blues much either myself…more of a catch it on the radio kind of thing.

As far as music…grew up with 80’s stuff on the radio…90’s grunge and alt and some rap…ska phase (mostly the old stuff) Sublime too…had to listen to the classic rock stuff so like most of that…got into indie rock.

But since my ipod broke and then the laptop I had all my music on was melted by a steam heater that never came on (the one time it did) I’ve just been catching music on youtube. Sort of got stuck listening to the same stuff over and over again. Became obsessed with the violinist Andrew Bird…then well…realized I shouldn’t be but still like his music.

So music…yeah I’m all over the place I guess.

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I like psychedelic/garage station on pandora. It’s awesome.