Things We Miss

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I remember someone made a comment the other day about learning how to separate what’s you and what’s your illness. I’ve been thinking about that. I’ve had my psychotic disorder so long I can’t really distinguish between that and myself and can’t imagine life without it. Despite what my pdoc has told me I don’t feel I’ve had this anxiety disorder my whole life and I can remember what life was like before it and how I was and it’s making me sad.

I miss not being really excited whenever I get to play a solo in band now. I used to be dying to play solos. Now even the two measure one I have now almost kills me every time I play it.

I miss not having the energy anymore to get absorbed in a good book. I miss not having the energy to write stories anymore. I miss not having energy to play with my little siblings anymore. I miss not being afraid of anyone and being able to talk with anyone easily. I miss the feeling of being excited for the future. I miss so, so many things. So many things that I used to love I can no longer do because of my anxiety and how exhausted it makes me.

I’m trying to remember who I was before all this. And who I still am underneath it all. The obsessions, the fear, the thought traps, that’s not me. And someday I’m going to shake it all away, I don’t know how but I will and I’ll be myself again.

Who are you underneath it all? We are not our illness.

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I can relate to most of what you said there.

I just miss my mind in general. Even if the hallucinations stop I don’t know if I’ll ever get it back.

The world has become a dull and uninteresting place. I don’t even like looking at human beings.

Even the mind is dull and uninteresting. I ■■■■■■■ hate being stuck in here.

It’s been a bad night.

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I was so scrambled in my young life… I never knew myself. I remember things that made me happy… but I had no idea who I was.

There are so many things I DON’T miss. Fighting with imaginary friends who try to convince me to cut my arms open. The confusion… the over stimulated hyper out of control feeling I used to wake up with… the constant pain of annoying people and having them run away from me.

After I got stable… then I had energy to paly with my niece and nephew… I am now finally looking forward to the future… because I feel I’ve got one.

@Anna
Your are doing so much and in school and studying so hard… I can imagine you not having energy. when school is over… and the stress dies down… and you hit that equilibrium in life… you’ll find joy again.

But for now I could imagine your life is full of a lot of stress. When your done… you’ll have a good shot at a good future. That will hopefully make all the hard work your doing now… worth it.

I’m rooting for you.

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It is hard for me to want to go back to before because I was so young.

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I miss the high feeling I used to get from going out to the mall in the sunny day.

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I miss being with my friends and going on adventures around town, smoking pot and cigarettes.

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I miss having a nice coors light at my mom’s house that I stole out of the garage. Beer was even better.

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Man, my family would take me out to get sushi and sapparos at the start of my awakening… Now they give me no money whatsoever and rarely take me anywhere nice.

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All their money goes to my sibling. It is a crummy deal.

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I don’t have money for anything.

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When, when you was breaking up, they were just waking up, just waking up.