I have had a reckoning of my behaviors that could be contributing or making my life worse. I guess I could also just call them patterns or habits. I experienced a manic-depressive episode recently and was unable to reach anyone for assistance. I contacted my case worker and she was busy, and my dad neither denies/confirms what he considers my paranoid delusions. I feel like we’re all in the matrix, and my mind started putting together metaphors for everything under the moon. I had a dream that I walked thru a door to another dimension. My mom is saying things that sound pretty scary, screaming a lot. and then I go downstairs and its silence. Further making me feel the unreality of reality. The pain is gone. I did take an herbal supplement not weed but it was psychoactive and likely induced or set off the symptoms. I began having empathy again but maybe it was a false assumption or false belief.
Did reckless things like took a lyft to the gas station but got stuck so had to have my dad pick me up then fell asleep in the hotel. When he came to pick me up and I saw the look in his face i realized how out of touch I was. This episode hs been the most worst episode of my entire life. I dont plan on opening up any more doors to the matrix if thats what I did. I just wnt to live a comfortable life, in peace, and be in a safe space. Like a buddhist temple or something with candles and/or a spa. My reality fractured, I saw seemingly unseen aspects of the whole of my personl realm of conscioouness which was scary.
I thought many things. But Im ok now. I didnt do anything destructive. I just feel like I ushered in the apotheosis of humanity, but thats “crazy” and I think I need better therapist or someone who could prove to me whts real and whats not. Im afraid Ive been set up to be persecuted. I keep having flash-forwards and my moms screaming all the time from her CPTSD which is making me stress/im trying to just chilll out and be thick about it but im also obsessing bout death and depression. I talked to my dad and it helped but i dont think its enough, I Hve residual false beliefs and fear based ideas.