Adjusting back to reality?

Hello, I am new to the forums and after reading many posts I am wondering why it has taken me this long to start writing about everything that has been going on.

Ever since my first psychotic break in January 2010, my whole perspective has been rocked. It has been an extreme emotional, mental, and spiritual roller coaster. I have experienced an assortment of mental states ranging from anxiety, depression, mania, euphoria, dysphoria, psychosis, paranoia, and any combination. My “diagnosis” has changed over the past few years a few times but currently I am diagnosed as schizoaffective bipolar type. Now that my meds are relatively under control, I am mainly in a mild depressive state with a sense of impending doom. Nothing seems to excite me anymore. Although my life is improving in terms of family/friend relations and career to the onlooker, my mind refuses to see these blessings. To be honest, I think I am in love with my manic self and can not let go the idea that I will most likely never return to the alternate reality I created for myself. Life just seems so mundane after going to a place where you feel completely connected with everything in the world. There are no words that can describe that state of mind. It proves to be so powerful that I easily forget any turmoil it has caused in my life. I need to get away from romanticizing these episodes because I know it is crippling me. Need to move on with my life. But how? Focus on future? I can not focus or pay attention to anything anymore. Its been a year and a half now since my last serious break. I wish I could say I was trying everything but there is always another suggestion. Currently I see a therapist, psychiatrist, counselor, take my medication as prescribed, eat healthy, exercise regularly, sleep regularly, work full time, attend AA and NAMI meetings…

Something has to give.

I am a prisoner of my own mind and want out!!


i thought i would say hi , i do not know what normal is as i have had this since early childhood, being sz is not an issue generally for me but i do understand the depression side of it. but welcome i have found this site to be helpfull and enlightening for me.
take care

I’ve also been diagnosed schizoaffective bipolar type. There have been two episodes in my life of being in a spiritual high, each lasting a few years. When they ended I was disappointed and I miss the the way I felt. Things got very dull, boring, and I lost my sense of purpose. This illness sucks, but so does reality. I feel like this last episode changed me for good, like I got closer to god. I keep trying to be closer to him so I can feel that way again. Congrats on being able to work full time, I finally got too screwed up to work.

Hi MsMyth, I enter my first psychotic episode on May 2010. About the same time you do. I do understand you feel much better in the state of mania or psychosis. It is really difficult coming out of it. Post psychotic depression is common.

Seems like you are really busy with everything. Take care.

Others have already said this, but your story sounds close to mine as well. I was having problems as early as 5, but the label on my folder changed many times. I’ve ranged from ADD to PTSD to bipolar to schizoaffective on and on and up and up to Undifferentiated Sz.

I too go to my AA and SZ support group. I’ve been through that negative swing when I’m OK. I’m stable. I should have been glad for that, but I don’t think I really was. I would go out a bit, but I would sit in bed in between times of going out. I would go to work, come home go right to bed and sit there until it was time to go to work again. I was OK, but I just sort of sat there and let everything pass me by due to my trying to get back to that great manic state.

But it never came. Plus I was always high and on acid when I was a younger man. But about 2 years to 18 months ago something happened and my head shifted. I don’t know if it’s because my meds got changed or if it’s because my brain finally got over its self or I healed enough to have Want. But now I have WANT. I want to do stuff, I WANT to be apart of something. I know I have to be outside my head to find it.

Its wonderful to talk to people who understand. Its not typically acceptable to go up to someone and start spewing about mental illness. And being that because of SZA I am paranoid and hesitant to trust/open up to people, alot of intrusive/negative thoughts remain in my head. Also having flashbacks every day does not help the whole situation. I remember everything so vividly. Just zone out and remember that comfort then come back to reality and I am apprehensive about every little thing. I need to talk to my psychiatrist more about how flat and anxious I feel all of the time. Thinking maybe another tweak of the old medication cocktail will do some good.