Hello, I am new to the forums and after reading many posts I am wondering why it has taken me this long to start writing about everything that has been going on.
Ever since my first psychotic break in January 2010, my whole perspective has been rocked. It has been an extreme emotional, mental, and spiritual roller coaster. I have experienced an assortment of mental states ranging from anxiety, depression, mania, euphoria, dysphoria, psychosis, paranoia, and any combination. My “diagnosis” has changed over the past few years a few times but currently I am diagnosed as schizoaffective bipolar type. Now that my meds are relatively under control, I am mainly in a mild depressive state with a sense of impending doom. Nothing seems to excite me anymore. Although my life is improving in terms of family/friend relations and career to the onlooker, my mind refuses to see these blessings. To be honest, I think I am in love with my manic self and can not let go the idea that I will most likely never return to the alternate reality I created for myself. Life just seems so mundane after going to a place where you feel completely connected with everything in the world. There are no words that can describe that state of mind. It proves to be so powerful that I easily forget any turmoil it has caused in my life. I need to get away from romanticizing these episodes because I know it is crippling me. Need to move on with my life. But how? Focus on future? I can not focus or pay attention to anything anymore. Its been a year and a half now since my last serious break. I wish I could say I was trying everything but there is always another suggestion. Currently I see a therapist, psychiatrist, counselor, take my medication as prescribed, eat healthy, exercise regularly, sleep regularly, work full time, attend AA and NAMI meetings…
Something has to give.
I am a prisoner of my own mind and want out!!