I feel like I’m being controlled by fear.
I keep a diary too. But mine looks like “can’t fall asleep”, “took a shower”, “bored”, “hungry”, “it’s December already”, etc. It’s not what a good diary is supposed to be, I guess.
I’ve been attending church for several years. Then I realized I’ve never liked it.
I don’t really know anything about politics.
Indeed, so many things seem extremely different from the outside.
Becoming mentally stable and functioning in society seems nearly impossible to me.
Yes, this is so important. I indeed feel like I am my illness, and not the person I am. I hope I’ll figure out how to fix it.
I’m not social. I’m home all the time. I haven’t joined any online friendship or relationship sites. I know if I join, I’ll have to talk to people, but I don’t know what I can talk about. All my thoughts are about how I feel, mostly negative. I’m afraid a lot of people would be rude to me. I feel guilty for not knowing how to talk appropriately.
@Darkest
There are other people who like to hear how you feel and to talk about how they feel, too. You are very hard on yourself. Your diary sounds like a beautiful, honest account. There are people you can have beautiful, honest conversation with.
Why is therapy not an option for you?
Beautiful women tend to be treated poorly by guys because the guy is scared the woman would treat him that way. My ex-wife was beautiful. I didn’t treat her special out of a fear that she would take advantage of that. The best thing you can do is make a friend who you wouldn’t mind having a serious relationship with. Friends do all kinds of things for friends. Boyfriend-girlfriend and husband-wife teams don’t tend to do that as much. It then turns to sex and paying bills with nothing in common but a feeling they once had for each other. As the others have stated, make friends. Good luck!
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People don’t appreciate how much they’re being controlled by their subconscious. The problem is, any “rational” advice or little tip or “trick” I give won’t work unless you change your subconscious patterns. Emotions are signals from the subconscious to the conscious mind. So to change those negative emotions you need to work with the subconscious. Just trying really hard to think positive or any sort of other thinking won’t fix those subconscious patterns, you need to work with the signals. There is a reason for EVERY emotion you have, often a hidden reason.
Look into things like shadow work or inner child work. There are many books and teachers, find one you resonate the most with. (I quite like Teal Swan, but find one you like the most). And there is a real blockage for doing any of this work, which isn’t just low motivation or depression. This work is hard and challenging and you probably won’t start, it took me years to actually start this work after finding out about it.
I don’t have any other advice other than to push trough and start it and there’s a light at the other end, you’ll feel way better and your life will change. Again, any sort of little tip like just try to socialize, think positive, be active won’t work because of your traumas that you’re being controlled by, I know this because I tried this for years and looked for the silver bullet which I never found obviously.
TL;DR: you need to change your subconscious patterns otherwise you’ll always be run by them.
Idk, the qualities you mentioned about yourself is all I would need in a woman. It’s pretty rare I think to find someone with such endearing qualities. I would just need that woman to put up with me.
hi darkest, i like your name. welcome to the forum 
I used to be that way on other forums too. Everyone here is very supportive I’ve learned to trust Ill get respectful responses 90% of the time 
Hi, Miss Darkest.
May I start by noticing that your nickname isn’t exactly hopeful? How about “TheComebackGal”?
Please read about CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) and try looking for a good CBT practitioner in your area. It’s about rewiring your brain with positive affirmations and actions.
About going to church, I think mainstream religion practices are outdated, but faith - per se - is not. Prayer helps me during rough times.
About discussion topics: what tv show are you currently watching? Or what book are you reading?
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I think you have a dream of a good relationship and that is the start of finding it. I feel we mature over time. Our good traits develop as we go through lessons of life. So all life long we are preparing for having good relationships. For example, how to need less and be self satisfied. And how to be polite and considerate of another person’s needs. And how to express your needs so you are not trampled on.
I have a few friends that I would never want to live with.
Oh, I’ve always thought no one likes to hear how I feel. There’s nothing interesting I can tell. I feel like I’m toxic.
Therapy is not an option for me because I can’t afford it.
Hi. I like your name too!
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I just realized I don’t know how to react when people are supportive. I want to be supportive too, but I don’t know what I can say to support someone.
Hi. I have a lot of dark thoughts, so I thought this nickname would fit me well.
Yeah, I see CBT must be a good thing.
I don’t watch any TV shows. I read books rarely. I’m currently thinking about my life and my future. As always.
I usually get traumatized by a new experience. The longer I live, the worse my life gets. My life has taught me to isolate myself from the World, so I don’t ruin anything. I know it should not be like that. I know my life teaches me the wrong. I’m always making wrong decisions, so it’s safer not to make any.
@Darkest ,
At what age did you become ill?
What were your interests and your future plans before that?
Don’t procrastinate like me
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Madness that’s something I would say