I’m trying to stay in reality. The escapism doesn’t really hurt me. But in a recovery context I had a question about first episodes. How common is it for someone to believe they are Jesus when they have their first episode? I know I was being bullied aggressively, but I think also my instability was playing into it as I couldn’t defend myself. So I never blamed the bullies for causing it, I was just unable to handle the mental abuse they inflicted on me. They were grabbing me all the time, hitting me, screaming at me and laughing at me all the time. It was severe. Tearing me down. But it felt even more intense when it finally broke me. I just wonder if I was broken, or always broken like broken from birth.
i know nothing is going to fix me. people arent machines. we dont just become normal.
am I creating the schizophrenia? is schizophrenia seen as one thing but misunderstood from something else? I have had twice a vision of someone who said clearly you do not have schizophrenia its something else. and than one who said schizophrenia is an illusion. Its something else. so Im medicating the illusion of something being something else or the ability to break away from the illusion of something entirely.
I can’t help but think I created it on purpose. Like it would protect me somehow.
Ever since my near death experience I have been having dreams that seem like Im gaining consciousness in other realities. I used to read people’s fortunes. I could do psychic readings too, but I stopped because it was exhausting and people wanted answers that just made them happy.
I never said anything like that. I’ve been taking my medication, I asked if it was a common delusion to belieive you are jesus in a recovery context. I did exactly that.
There is no issue with that question. Let me post the section of the rules that you have to consider:
Similarly, we understand that members in recovery may enjoy philosophical debates about certain topics (aliens, gambling, government conspiracies, simulation theory, etc.) but those discussions are highly triggering to those who suffer from delusions. Any topics meant to debate these things will be shut down to keep this a safe environment for everyone.
this is in recovery context. Im not trying to feed into them Im trying to get the thoughts out because I feel consumed by them…and I want help. But instead its almost as if people on the forum want to confirm my delusions, shut me down or criticize me for reaching out because it makes them feel superior.
Ive been on this forum since its inception and Im treated like the worst of any member on here.
I dont feel triggered about thoughts on expanding consciousness. I dont think those thoughts are triggering themselves but maybe to people who lack imagination. Its a skill to imagine, and visualize, it helps me in some ways, also bouncing my ideas off others. The silencing and sequestering of thoughts makes me get worse. the isolation and lack of support. So I have nothing but my fantasies as friends to relate to.
Im talking to my psychiatrist tomorrow. I see him every month and he’s the best one i have had so far, doesnt just push meds on me that make me worse. maybe I’ll ask him what he thinks. Overall, whether its schizophrenia or bipolar Abilify does help me…even if it feels like a crutch. I wanted to ask him about antidepressant meds temporarily but Im worried it will feed into creating more delusional cycling or lucid realistic dreams.
The reason I posted this is because I have trouble separating my creativity and open-minded ness with delusions but sometimes it actually helps me. thats not to say im like everyone but I learned through internet use that people actually have a lot more in common than I used to think. People have a lot in common.
thanks! So is it better not to write/talk about some of my more “out there” thoughts at all, or would it be helpful to talk about them on this forum. Because I dont feel comfortable telling my psychiatrist about my dreams.
I believed that Christ was needing me to help Him return to earth…but there was the devil trying to torture me too…it’s all in my book…but anyways…I didn’t think I was Christ, but it is a common delusion to think you’re Christ.