Hospital records

i recently in the past few days got a couple of hostpital records by mailing in a form to two diff hosiptals. i always wanted to see what the docs say about me. i have near 20 hospital stays but i only got a couple of recent ones.

it was slightly shocking reading the notes they wrote about me. it was like reading a book. just pages and pages about me. one had 15-20 pages about me. and nother had near 40 pages about me.

and uh it has me labeled a chronic paranoid schizophrenic as a diagnosis on the second most receent record i got

im sending in another record for another hospital stay at a third different hospital.

I have to be careful about stuff like that. I know if something surprises me or upsets me in those files, I will completely obsess over it and get very upset and then start to feel like a horrid person.

Sometimes I even get mad at my family… I wave the file around and ask, “Why didn’t you tell me this was what I was doing? Why were you letting me do this? What do they mean by this???”

Some stuff, I really think it’s best if I don’t know. I am where I am, and knowing what a doctor thought about me 5 years ago, isn’t going to help me go forward at this time.

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What is your goal for reading all these? Does it change what you think about yourself? Do you know yourself better than the doctors? Or do you believe everything they tell you about yourself is true?

i think it is best to concentrate on the positives as much as possible, what you are now, i am remembering stuff i don’t really want to remember at the moment.
would you go into a grave yard and dig up some one long gone, that is what your past is a faded memory !
an artist i admire wrote,
" i think clutter is the thread of my memory. wanting to have its own continuity through familiar objects ".
beautiful words, but that is what bins were invented for .
take care


I think it’s better not to let what they’ve written affect you. When I was in a manic stage I asked for all my hospital and therapist records and pinned them on my wall and put lines through what they said with permanent marker.

I have been trying to figure myself out for years. Agreeing with my diagnosis, disagreeing with my dx - back and forth.
Why am I like this? Have I improved? What in the world is sza exactly? I honestly tire myself out. I guess it is best for the doctors to do their jobs. I have to trust them at some point.

Same feeling, Wave. I wish I could make it stop.

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I got my records about 5 years back. Was quite negative and geared towards pdoc etc- all good/patient- all bad. When you get something like that it makes you realise how subjective psychiatry is compared to other medical branches and that objectivity isn’t high on the list of priorities.