i have the most serious illness… i am nauseous right now. i put 25 kilos and it doesnt look fine. as mortimer says,probably at the edn of my life ill say-’‘i suffered a lot and made people suffering’’. should i continue to struglle? what for? pff… i have a down here. hard subject,thats right?..
You’re probably exaggerating the part about making people suffer. Maybe you can lose the 25 kilos in time. Try not to get too negative. I’m sure there are good things in your life if you just look.
Shut down the computer or whatever device you’re on, and go take a walk. No matter if it is raining or if is cold. Try to feel the warmness of sun on your face, feel the coldness, try to breathe the wind, feel your body moving, and your senses being overwhelmed by every little movement of life around you. Just try to feel yourself you know.
yeah i know. i am pacing at my house sometimes. too paranoid to go out now,i am sorry… i am a pig,sarad is not a pig hah
More like a sacrificial lamb, I would say…
Lol
What is the purpose of anything ?
Being dead is boring. Try to look at it that way.
ok sarad,thank you. i am also tired and thats why i stay at home… feeling nauseous like ive told you. but i spent 15 years untreated and the last 5 years i was looking for the right med,i am just tired of this… sorry,ill get some sleep and tomorrow ill be better.
and how about the two of my pdocs who were saying that therapys wont help me? i am on one french forum sarad also for schizos and all there are proned on meds… cant think proprely now but notmoses advices me the cbt…
That’s a good idea. Just feel yourself and that you are alive and living.
Oh sweetie, don’t listen to any of these voices in your head. You asked for honesty so I will be honest with you.
I’ve been suicidal since the 1st grade. Even when I’m not feeling into it (as in I feel the need to do it) it has always seemed like an option to me. It has always seemed like a way to free others and myself. I hate it when people say that ‘suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem’. I hate those people more than I can say. My most of my earliest memories start at the first grade. I had only two years of respite in high school before the sz kicked in (I think I either had a mild case of it when I was little or more likely I was so depressed I got psychotic) and I’m over twenty three years old. I think that it would be fair to say that I’ve been suicidal for pretty my whole life. I think the people who say and think that this is a temporary problem have either never had depression or any other illness like it or it was situational. I have a nephew who had situational depression and he honestly thought that it was something you just grew out of.
Think of what you have accomplished and what you want to accomplish. You said French forum. I’m assuming that means you are literate in both English and French. I don’t know about your French but your English is perfect (I should put literate into context. I have a very smart Aunt who got her doctorate in chemistry who knows French but stopped having the chance to use it when she moved to the deep south with my uncle and lost the opportunity to speak it to the point where she lost the ability to converse in it. Smart woman just like you). I have never been able to come close to mastering any type of other language than English and I am very smart (at least that’s what I’ve been told. Even the kids who bullied me in school said I was very smart). I would give anything to be able to speak at least one other language.
Make a bucket list. Things you want to do before you die. This helped me a lot. I want to see China, I want to live in another country at some point for a little while (this one will be a real challenge because I don’t want to leave my pdoc now that I’ve found a good one), and I want to visit Russia (I love pre-Soviet Russian literature and I want to see where it was created). I have a surprisingly long list. I think that given your talent for languages you should try to learn another. I would be so proud of myself if I could be a polygot. I’m not sure how many languages you have to learn to qualify for being able to say that but I’m pretty sure it’s more than three.
There are a lot of pdocs who have no clue what the heck they’re talking about. I had one that tried to say I was OCD after only meeting me for 15 minutes. I have had extensive tests done that all pointed to sz. He was overloaded with cases to be fair but he only had time for 15 minutes with me and wanted to change all my meds. I didn’t go back. I had another pdoc who kept me on the same ineffectual meds even though I was only a little better than nonfunctional on them.
Give yourself a few goals. A few easy and a few harder. My goals are to get a driver license (I used to have a phobia of driving), lose 30 pounds (my bipolar got out of control and I ate because of anger inspired by mixed emotions), find a volunteering position until I can get a job, and finish my book and get it published. I think I’m all ready for my license but my mom is being difficult for some reason.
I don’t know what to tell you about it getting better. My therapist seemed to think that many people are able to get out of having suicidal thoughts (he had a Ph.D). I don’t know if you have depression or bipolar also but for me acceptance has been a big part of my life. I the problem is you can’t force acceptance any more than you can force the idea that everyone has problems. Yes some people have worse problems and some people have easier problems but the way I look at is if the only pain someone has had in their life is they stepped on a lego once that’s still a lot of pain because that’s all the pain they’ve ever known in the world. Think about when you liked someone and they didn’t like you back. That was really painful then but put into the context of what you’re suffering now it’s nothing.
I honestly think that therapy can help you even if it’s just because you can tell someone all your problems and see their sympathy in real life. Having a real life friendly ear can do a lot for anyone.
On a final note weight loss is hard. It isn’t just going out and walking every day. You have to diet too. From what I hear and what I’ve noticed myself (I had to lose roughly the same amount of weight I do now before and I managed it) it’s 70% diet and 30% gym. It’s going to be hard because it is very, very gradual and you won’t see immediate results in any shape or form. That one is going to be a long term difficult goal. I think that once you start working on your other goals and succeeding with them and get your meds and mind lined out it will get easier. I started gaining weight when my meds started messing up. It just takes time.
Be strong catapiller