So I’m new to this forum and I’m still young but I’m also really unsure about everything tbh. . .
I’m currently not diagnosed with anything because I’m afraid of the doctors or being forced into a mental hospital. My mom has told me multiple times that if you told a psychiatrist you were seeing things you’d get thrown into a hospital, so I refuse to remind her to make me appointments.
I used to experience hallucinations specifically of two creatures, a tall black humanoid man (Kinda like slender man) with a fedora on, and a white creature that walks on its arms and legs (It looks like the drawing of the boogeyman in the movie The Boogeyman and when I first saw it I was like WOW). I don’t really see them around anymore but I can like sense the white one?
If I’m incredibly upset I can feel its arms coming around and it’s hands coming to cover my eyes.
Back when I saw them both more often I would see the black one sitting down or standing there, it was originally like a friend I don’t know why I started to fear it. And the white one would chase me, going between being huge and smaller, or it would crawl on my ceiling, I didn’t see it but I felt it up there, looking at me. The last time I hallucinated it was hands coming out of my closet and grabbing at my wall.
Something that happens to me most is what I call getting stuck in a loop. It’s when something frightens me and I’m stuck in a constant replay in my head about dying or getting attacked. My little brother who’s still a toddler cries a lot when it’s time for bed and that’s when it usually happens, I get stuck in a loop of intruders busting through his door and killing me. I’m in constant fear of people breaking in to the point I’m incredibly paranoid. The loop also happens while doing things like running baths (Ill get stuck where the water heater is exploding and impaling me), or walking with a friend on the sidewalk (Ill see them falling and getting hit by a car), or even washing dishes (Ill see myself getting shot through the little window above the sink.)
I talk to myself a lot because it’s almost like talking to another person. Not long ago I spent abt 20 minutes in the bathroom (doing my makeup) and talking to this girl, she was me like my reflection but in my head she was a whole different person, and I stayed talking to her. I’m aware it was me talking as her ig but it felt like listening to a friend telling you about there life and it was pretty tragic lemme tell you that. This was abt only a couple days ago.
The past few days I’ve been having music hallucinations, it’s not rare for me just annoying. I recently got into Johnny Test again for the nostalgia and the theme song just keeps repeating and repeating in my head. I once also laid in bed scared and crying cuz I was convinced I was overdosing (I wasn’t I took like two pain meds for a headache) I was convinced I had gotten possessed by like another version of me who forced me to take more.
Sorry this is long but I’m just really confused abt what is wrong with me? I’m constantly afraid I have a brain tumor but I know it’s not that. And everything is so flat, Like looking through a screen. I don’t mean to yap, I’m just confused. . . And I’m afraid of going to a doctors cuz I’m young and people assume everyone young person is faking mental illness because of when people were on like Tik Tok a while back.
