(This is an incredibly long-winded post. I didn’t mean for it to be this long but I didn’t want to miss anything. It might also seem incredibly dramatic, and if I wasn’t experiencing it myself I probably wouldn’t believe it. I guess you’ll just have to take my word for it. If anyone can be bothered to read the whole thing and give me an idea of what to do I would be extremely grateful.)
(I am a 16 year old guy in my last year of secondary school, if this means anything.)
Been experiencing some weird stuff lately, and I don’t really have anyone I can talk to, so I wanted to get the opinions of people who might know what’s up, and maybe point me in the right direction.
Anxiety?
The past couple of years have been a little rough for me, I started feeling a little weird around 4-5 years ago, just when I joined secondary school. I couldn’t talk to anyone. I was afraid of talking to anyone other than my friends from my previous school. I went from being very popular to a complete nobody. I thought I was just nervous, and that I’d soon be back to my normal self. Days passed. Weeks. Months. Nothing had changed. Years went by and I wasn’t comfortable being around these people. It had changed from nervousness to genuine fear. I started to become very withdrawn. I started to doubt those I called my friends and emotionally distanced myself from them. They started commenting on my lack of emotion in facial expressions, and that I was being aggressive, and cold. It has reached the point where me laughing or smiling becomes a really big deal. I mean like, they’ll start shouting “OH MY GOD HE’S SMILING.” and things to that effect.
My fear of people has only grown. I cannot speak/be spoken to by people I don’t know well anymore without panicking. My heart starts to throb, I start sweating and shaking, I grow unnaturally cold (temperature wise) and I become incredibly self aware. I notice and tear myself apart inside for every slight movement, every sound, every breath and every thought. Every instance of interaction with people I am not familiar with is physiological torture. It has impacted my education heavily, leaving me unable to contribute to groups, ask for help or even concentrate for a long amount of time. After I have these experiences, I also cannot stop myself from criticising and hating myself (for hours, even days in some cases) for the way I acted in the situation for hours, even days in some cases.
After around three years of this I finally gave in and looked for help. I thought it might be an anxiety disorder. I told my mum everything, and she took me to see a doctor. After what seemed like an eternity of panicking (To the extent that I had to leave and throw up, just because I knew I would have to confess everything to someone I didn’t know) I finally was able to see a doctor. I managed to explain about a quarter of my problems before I gave up. I couldn’t say anymore. I couldn’t get any words out. The doctor said that they think I might have a kind of generalised anxiety. They gave me a self help booklet and sent me home. That was it. After years of torment and and a painful experience looking for help, I got a self help booklet for my efforts. That was the nail in the coffin of my trust. I don’t feel like I am able to go through that again. I do not trust “professionals” anymore.
Schizophrenia?
Since I looked for help late last year my condition has been rapidly deteriorating. I started experiencing things that were unnatural. I have started briefly seeing things. For a split second or two I see humanoid shapes, made of shadows, or black clouds. Sometimes they will just be stood to the side of my vision, just watching. Other times they are directly approaching me, getting just around a meter away from me before I jump back in fear and they vanish.
I also started feeling things. Sometimes it is just something like a tap on the shoulder when I am alone, but other times it can be much more forceful, like being physically grabbed and pulled over backwards by someone who isn’t there. (Making me actually lose my footing and stumbling back)
I no longer feel safe in my own head. I feel as though the people around me can read my mind, and they know what I am thinking. It is distressing to think that people know what I feel about things, with my anxiety of people knowing anything about me or what I like, as they could use this against me. This also often makes me panic, just like being spoken to does.
I also can no longer deal with people being near me. People standing within around a meter of me makes my skin crawl. I feel incredibly uncomfortable with them being there as though they are about to do something awful. Being physically touched is even worse. It makes my very bones itch and ache for a long period of time after.
Another thing is that I feel like everything near me is negative and directed at me. If people are laughing, they are laughing at me. If people are talking, they are talking about me. If I hear a negative phrase, it was about me. I feel like everyone around me is constantly demeaning me and hating me.
I once again went to my Mum again as she was the only person I felt I could speak to, however the second I mentioned the word “Schizophrenia” she got angry. She started yelling and shouting. Yet another reason I am posting here instead of seeking help from a person in my life, or a doctor.
The Voice That Brought Me Here.
More recently, I have begun hearing a voice inside my head. It’s not as though it’s being spoken near me, it’s simply in my head. I can’t tell whether it is really just me doing it (because maybe I am just an awful, awful person.) and not noticing or realising that I am doing it, or whether it is an uncontrollable voice or speaker. The voice is somewhat like my own inner voice, only lower pitched and more well-spoken. The voice is hateful. It has utter contempt for everyone and everything around me, including myself and my real inner voice. It fulls my mind with hatred too. It seems to lust for domination and control. It see’s itself as the one superior entity, and wishes to break or destroy everything that is weaker or inferior to itself.
The voice started off small, with the rare comment about how something is pathetic, or beneath me. It is quickly becoming more and more prominent and controlling over myself. It is almost always there and I can’t stop it.
Every day it gets more hateful. More angry. More controlling. Every time the voice speaks inside of me it is distressing. I start visibly twitching and shaking. I zone out of everything, the voice becomes the centre of attention and nothing else around me effects me. I have noticed the voice is also becoming more detached from my mind and body, distancing itself from the worthlessness that is the anxiety filled, pathetic, fearful being that I am, only interfering when it want’s to take control. It has started referring to me as “You”, instead of just saying words not directed at a specific person. When it refers to me as “You” it hit’s me pretty hard. It controls me, but not in a major way yet. For example, when it speaks I shake and twitch, but the voice saying “You will NOT tremble.” I stop. I become still.
It speaks as though it want’s to be free from me, saying things like “Release me from this mortal coil” and refers to my body and mind as a “husk”. The voice acts like it is some kind of higher power, something above the human race, however I do not believe that there is any higher power, when thinking for myself without the voices input.
The thing that set me off the most was only a few hours ago, that made me realise that I could have a really serious problem. The voice started being incredibly hostile to me. It began to condemn me for my weakness, and my overwhelming fear of everyone and everything around me. I couldn’t stop myself from crying and shaking. I was terrified of the voice. This only made it more angry. It filled my head with the idea of releasing it. It give me images of me setting myself on fire so it could have it’s freedom. This made me angry too. I started feeling as though I should give in, and give it the destruction and carnage it wants. Either by ending myself or the people around me. I shut myself away in my room, in the darkness. Crying. Clutching at my head in a desperate attempt to make sure this monster inside doesn’t break free.
That is why I am here. I don’t know how long I can hold this back. I am afraid. Both for myself and everyone around me. I am scared I will do something awful. My fearful body and socially anxious mind want to be accepted and cared for by the people around me, but the voice at the back of my head wants to destroy it all. I feel like I need other people, but I am afraid of what they will do to me, or what I will do to them.
My condition has got me in a pretty weird place. Lot’s of emotional and psychological conflicts have me very confused.
I feel so lonely, but at the same time, feel as though I am never alone, as though there is always someone watching or reading my mind.
I want people to notice and care for me, but at the same time I am terrified of them, and have an unwilling, uncontrollable deep hatred for them.
I want someone to help me with this problem, but I feel like I can’t trust professionals enough to seek their help.
If you took the time to read this entire thing then you are great.
TL;DR:
I seem to be showing symptoms of schizophrenia such as hallucinations and hearing voices. The signs are becoming increasingly worse and I am afraid of my own well being as well as the people around me.
If anyone has any idea what the problem is then please let me know. I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I can’t take it.