Having a bit of a crisis

Things have been hard over the last two weeks. Starting feeling cars on the street had hidden cameras and were following me.

This was really distressing and I got desperate. Unfortunately I started researching the best way to end all the pain. Couldn’t believe it but there were tons of websites telling you how to do it. Ended up making a noose and slowly tightened it. Looking back I am not sure how commuted to the task I was. Probably more curious than anything else. Either way the noose worked and I almost passed out.

As you can imagine my cpn acted very seriously when I told him… straight to a&e for a mental health assessment. I told th I was semi commited to taking my life but ultimately I didn’t have the guts - my body wouldn’t let me.

Anyway cpn came and seen me today and arranged extra crisis workers to care for me in the community. Today was ok. The crisis cater was a semi retired cpn so he was experienced in this care. He thoroughly questioned me on my suicide thoughts. He also made it clear how close I came to a premature death my strangulation - he highlited the fact that as a means of suicide it is pretty much a one way street. By that I mean as a means of suicide it has a great deal of finality.

Anyway my mum have me an earful this morning. Saying I need to do something with my life. It kinda hurt my feelings but I realised she was
Just really stressed out and had had a poor nights sleep.

Anyway I don’t know where I am going with this post. I don’t feel suicial now but to be honest my train of thoughts can change dramatically and rapidly. I certainly don’t want to go to hospital but I also can’t stand this perceived surveillance in the community.

Anyone else juggle ideas/delusions of reference against being held against your will on a locked ward?

Cheers, morkboy

Dear Mr. Morkboy,

I can only imagine how hard it is to get through your day when you feel followed and watched. I’m sorry your having this experience.

I know it is scary being held in a locked ward, my brother hated it too. But a locked ward is temporary compared to what could have happened. If your Mom seemed harsh, I bet she was scared and her fear bleed out in what she was saying.

It’s very kind of you to understand that she was scared and didn’t sleep well. I hope you can talk to your doc and find a middle option.

Does your area have day hospitals or visiting nurses? That might give you some support with out the ward?

Sending lots of hope your way.

Thank you for letting me post.

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hi morkboy ive just been through a similar thing i went for my assessment expecting nothing to happen like last time and i had a very nice new cpn who has offered me CBT therapy.
you need to be extra kind to yourself especially stressful for you your mum going on at you like that which im sure you could do without se4lf compassion is key you dont have to be… do… your job is to try not to be suicidle asnd keeping yourself well sending hugsxxx i know what your going throughxx

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Thank you so much for the supportive and quick replies. Means the world.

The community nurses have arranged for me to have two visitors a day to keep me safe in the community. They have a multidisciplinary meeting on Thursday where they will present my case to my psychiatrist. Hopefully they will arrange something for care in the community.

Morkboy xxx

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Hang in there Morkboy - sounds like things are on track for an improving situation. Wishing you the best ((hugs))


suicidal thoughts are my constant companoin, it’s my exit plan …if things go even more pear shaped.
so i understand your thoughts…
but there is much in life that is beautiful and fulfilling, and most is free…
the beauty of nature, sunsets and rainbows, the sand under your feet and the endless ocean…i could go on…
keep going and try and make the most of every day, doing something nice for some one else…maybe pick some flowers for your mum or help a neighbour in a small way with the shopping !
take care


I agree with darksith. Go get your Mom flowers or something. I know the paranoia is hard on your but I think your near suicide was hardest on her. You had choices and you made them. I’m not going into right or wrong, but I will say suicide is a very serious thing. Especially for the people who love you. I saw one motivational internet poster that said “suicide doesn’t end pain. It just passes it on.” I think that’s pretty true. That’s one of the things that has stopped me in the past. Aunt M said it would break my Grandmother’s heart and she would die. I can’t do that to her.
Think of someone you can’t do that to. Tell someone who that is so that they can say “I know it’s hard, but what would your Mother do without you? This would kill her.” It’s important to have someone tell you that constantly because if you let it, this “thing” will trick you into thinking that everyone would actually be better off if you were dead. (At least that’s my experience with those feelings.)
So go get your Mom some flowers.

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I’m sorry you are going through this, but I agree suicide is a permanent solution when there are other ways of getting through things. I agree with darksith and oneceapoet, there are things to live for and it’s true when it just passes the pain on, my uncle committed suicide when I was fifteen, it was the start of my problems (although they were already forming), I wound up delusional, full of self hate and suicidal. I was jealous and of him and angry at him because he gave up on life when I couldn’t.

That was the start of my clinical depression and psychosis when I was in hospital I was actively suicidal, constantly seeing ideas of reference and thought I was a political prisoner, but my mum made it clear if I killed myself, she would follow and that stopped me I tried to push her away with all my might before trying to stop including a lot of hurt I caused her but she didn’t take it and stayed put when I realised she wasn’t going anywhere I knew I had to stop for her, I was all she had as my dad left her when I was six, she’s had no partner ever since and she feels being a mum is her job and if I killed myself that meant she had failed, I really couldn’t do that to her.

I still get suicidal and go through periods of planning but I bring it all back to my mum and think of her.

She was probably stressed because she nearly lost her child, she loves you, that’s why she reacted that way and she probably thinks if you get doing something the pain will stop and you’ll be distracted from the surveillance (I know this may not be the case but for some people it helps and that’s probably what she thinks) and have less time to think.

If you could do anything apart from commit suicide what would you do? I make future plans and make steps toward them like going to college (level 3) in september a goal towards that was to improve my drawing so Isigned up for an art class that was for people who didn’t have menta illness as a way of practicing with general socialising (as i already go to a pottery group for people with mental illness) and I made sure it was a small group and it’s only five weeks long I’m enjoying it, it gets me out of the house etc.

Do you think you could talk to your cpn about what aims you could have whether there’s a day hospital or groups for people with mental illness in your local area as a way of dipping your toe in the water of getting out there? That will give you something to focus on and aims then you can make bigger goals which will give you purpose to live and you’ll find yourself wanting to aim towards that rather than end your life.

This will be hard but hopefully when your case is presented to the psychiatrist they’ll think of medication tweaks that may take the edge off things nd that will make it look more reasonable.

Sorry if I sound bossy, harsh or that I don’t understand you, I’ve been where you are quite a few times that doesn’t make me understand you but I know similar experiences and can imagine it, sometimes it needs to be said like this to get you out of the rut of thinking suicide is the only option. It’s not!

Self soothing and patience is the way forward, there is no quick fix which many imagine suicide to be, it takes time but you’ll get there onto a life you may surprisingly find you enjoy but won’t that be wonderful? One day that will happen, hold onto that.

Take care,