Things have been hard over the last two weeks. Starting feeling cars on the street had hidden cameras and were following me.
This was really distressing and I got desperate. Unfortunately I started researching the best way to end all the pain. Couldn’t believe it but there were tons of websites telling you how to do it. Ended up making a noose and slowly tightened it. Looking back I am not sure how commuted to the task I was. Probably more curious than anything else. Either way the noose worked and I almost passed out.
As you can imagine my cpn acted very seriously when I told him… straight to a&e for a mental health assessment. I told th I was semi commited to taking my life but ultimately I didn’t have the guts - my body wouldn’t let me.
Anyway cpn came and seen me today and arranged extra crisis workers to care for me in the community. Today was ok. The crisis cater was a semi retired cpn so he was experienced in this care. He thoroughly questioned me on my suicide thoughts. He also made it clear how close I came to a premature death my strangulation - he highlited the fact that as a means of suicide it is pretty much a one way street. By that I mean as a means of suicide it has a great deal of finality.
Anyway my mum have me an earful this morning. Saying I need to do something with my life. It kinda hurt my feelings but I realised she was
Just really stressed out and had had a poor nights sleep.
Anyway I don’t know where I am going with this post. I don’t feel suicial now but to be honest my train of thoughts can change dramatically and rapidly. I certainly don’t want to go to hospital but I also can’t stand this perceived surveillance in the community.
Anyone else juggle ideas/delusions of reference against being held against your will on a locked ward?