Have you ever thought about having kids?

Health and Recovery
#1

I have been in recovery for almost a year now, and my boyfriend and I have been starting to talk about having kids in the future. We both really want to have kids that are genetically ours, but I also don’t want to pass this onto them. Then again, I’m managing just fine, so it’s not like it would be the end of the world for them. It would just be another struggle, and probably build character or some nonsense.

I’m also slightly concerned about going off my meds for the duration of the pregnancy, but I have stopped my meds before and it wasn’t too bad. I mostly just retreat withing myself when I’m having psychotic symptoms. I don’t get violent or suicidal, just really introverted and afraid of the world. And I’ve developed some really good coping strategies for those times.

I also don’t want to screw up a kid for life by being the crazy parent, but maybe that’s being unfair to myself.

Does anyone here have kids, or think about having kids? What has been your experience?

#2

It’s easier for men (I’m male) because we don’t have to stop our meds. The odds of your child having schizophrenia are around 13% for one kid, it gets worse the more kids you have.

I sometimes think about it. I seem to be capable of being a father in the future, right now I am still in school and will be for at least 6 more years. I might have one singular kid one day, perhaps. That’s all given that my meds still work and that I get a job after school.

I am the last in my family tree so I do think about it.

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#3

What are the odds if my boyfriend’s family has a history of mental illness too? His mother sometimes wakes up in different states with no memory of how she got there. He also has a history of missing memories, but that is probably due to a traumatic life experience in his past. We aren’t sure, because, well, he lost his memory.

#4

mental illnesses like schizophrenia and bipolar are genetic, as far as I know, so are the others. Unless you have relatives with schizophrenia, it is still 13% likelihood for your kid. But say half of your boyfriend’s family are alcoholics, you might wanna take something like that into consideration…I used to think I was an alcoholic but I went to AA and learned what true alcoholics are really like. Alcoholism is no joke, that ■■■■ ruins lives and even ends them.

I get off topic easily. Yeah, just check his family tree for schizophrenia. Dementia/alzheimers is not fun.

#5

i have two kids aged 18 and 15, girl and a boy. you need to think about this seriously before you get pregnant and i don’t advocate coming off meds for the duration of your prgnancy unless it’s absolutely imperative to do so. your moods affect your hormones which are carried through your lood to the baby growing inside you. if you are psychotic and afraid of the world for the duration of your pregnancy then those stress hormones go straight to the child and you will end up with a fretful, screaming baby at the end with anxiety issues and separation anxiety to boot. unluckily for me i was addicted to pot through both my pregnancies and going through some severe abuse. it’s rubbed off on them big time. add to that my being unwell in fits and spurts for most of their lives and it’s not a good mix. ask yourself these questions before you eventhink about getting pregnant. can you handle a baby that cries for an hour or two every day? have you ever listened to the sound of a baby crying? youtube it and see how long you can stand it for without turning it off. ■■■■ it, play it on a loop until your brain explodes coz that’s what it’s like when a new born has wind or colic or is teething, all things that every baby gets during the first year on a regular basis. can you handle getting up four or fives times during the night every night for maybe six months if baby won’t get into a good sleep routine? could your meds make you so drowsy that you ignore the child and roll over if it wets the bed as a toddler? will you just say get in my bed and leave the sheets till the morning coz your drugs make you too darn tired to do anything more? will you be able get up at 5/6am every morning whatever time you went to sleep for the next 13 years, however you’re feeling? psychotic or not? make breakfast, get them dressed, washed, get yourself looking presentable to take them to nursery/ school on time every morning? will you be able to take them to the dentist/dr/football/dance lessons/school/ friends whilst floridly psychotic and act like everything is fine? can you met with teachers in that state to discuss your child’s educational progress. do you shower regularly or will you be the smelly mum at the school gate? been there, done that. can you ckean up feaces every day for 2 years? vomit on a regular basis once they start kindergarten and catch every virus under the sun, which will in turn affect your mental state? does your husband work or will you be doing the bulk of the child rearing? my husband was with me and we shared responsabilities but it 's still the hardest job you’ll ever do. there are no days off, no sick days because a baby nor toddler nor five year old up to teenagers understand that mummy is sick and can’t look after them like other kids mums do. unless you go into hospital and then they feel abandoned because you left them,even if it’s just for a little while. kids are clever, they know when something is wrong but they don’t have the emotional capacity to empathise with parents till they’re about 10 years old. it’s like i know you;re sick but i’m hungry, thirsty, wet the bed, been sick, got a snotty nose, uniform needs washing, ironing, dinner, breakfast, lunch, dr’s. dentists…who gives a ■■■■ if you’ve completely lost touch with reality? your kid will still need you to be there. can you do all this and do it with a smile on your face, not scream and shout, not smack even when your world is falling down around your ears and the voices/delusions whatever are so powerful that you can’t see through them? you’ve been stable a year? do you think you can remain stable for the next 18 years? or at the vety least do you have parents or inlaws nearby who can sit the child if you become seriously unwell again at any point in the next 18 years? if you and your boyfriend split, who gets custody of the child? think about this very carefully because you will need a damn good lawyer to fight your case if he tries to take custody of the child and you’ve lost the plot a few times over the course of the child’s life so far. oh sure everything is rosy now but when you have a baby and neither of you have slept properly for a year, arguments happen and a lot of couples split up because of the pressure of looking after a baby 24/7 and if he decides to take the child with him then you have a fight on your hands. i’ve seen both ends of the spectrum. my hubby and i were together on our children. other m.'i. people i knew lost custody of their babies. one had to be forcibly removed from the family home and the kids were given to her ex husband, the other couldn’t cope and left the child with it’s father. think i’mpainting you a bleak picture. i’m not at all and i’m not trying to scare you off either. all i’m doing is telling you the realities of having children when you have a mental illness.
even if you’re a normie it’s the hardest job in the world. but you know what? my kids mean everything to me so much so that if i had the chance and the funds to do it all again i’d do it in a heartbeat. there is nothing like the snuggle of your own child first thing in the morning and reading them stories last thing at night, getting them ready for school, watching them take their first steps, cutting the first tooth, the first word which is generally mama.
just realise that it will be the hardest thing you’ve ever done in your life but also the most rewarding.

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#6

Okay, not a parent here but just felt like sharing my two sense. No I’ve never considered having kids, I am not a kid friendly person. True I’m not mean to kids or anything but because of being teased most my child-hood for either being taller than all the boys, to being the chubby one once the boys reached my height. Then I was also always the slow one, the one not good in sports, the shy one, the awkward one, not a genius but not stupid either, just kind of there…so my personal memories of “kids” is bad.

Plus I’m not very patient and I think to have a child you have to be very patient with them all the time. I’m okay in short doses, like watching a kid a few hours maybe a day at the most, but then I need a place I can go and regenerate myself and kids have away of getting into your personal-space. I hate that, I get anxious when my personal space is violated, and anxious if I don’t a little bit of “quiet time” for myself in a day. I’m naturally paranoid to begin with but without these (personal space, and quiet time) my symptoms get worse. Kids are noisy. Kids are unpredictable, even if in typical situations they never quite act the way you think they might, or should act in some cases.

One thing you’ll want to think of when having a child is, can you be constantly interrupted, or does it throw you for a loop? Also keep in mind, I have to agree with @jaynebeal kids don’t understand sickness, all they see is different. And even if you’re not mean to them, when you’re in an psychotic episode (however rare they maybe for you) all they see is mommy (or daddy if the case maybe) is different than my friends mommy or daddy. They may even decide they don’t like the difference and grow up to resent you for it…unless they eventually learn to sympathies with you but they would need an advance emotional state for that to happen.

I think in these days it’s a roll of the dice regardless if you have a mental illness yourself or not, if your kids will develop the same illness as you. Even if they do, one plus side is, you’ve been there and will be of better help to them if they start showing signs of symptoms because you know what to look for. My parents had no clue what to look for, for schizophrenia. My family in the past generations (from stories I’ve heard) have shown signs of mental illness but no one was ever officially diagnosed…I guess they just didn’t do that back in the day, especially since most of my family grew up in either the farm lands of Iowa, or on farms in Illinois.

I know a pet isn’t exactly the same as a kid, but you still grow an emotional bond with that creature. Have you ever considered raising a pet? It’s almost like a kid. You have to house-train it, (like teaching a cat to use the litter box or teaching a dog to go outside), and train it not to destroy your furniture, or to treat you how you want it to treat you. You have to feed it daily, at least once. (Like my kitty gets fresh meat once a day at dinner time but then I make sure she constantly has a supply of fresh dry food and water.

I also have to clean up after her (put her toys up after playing, clean her litter box, make sure her food-bowls are clean, pick up any fur-balls she may have…). Then you get to play with them as well, she loves chasing her cat teaser (fish on a stick), and she loves playing with the those little red lazor dots. And she’ll play with fake mice. For 9 years old she’s still very active and excellent health. I’ve had to run to the vet a few times (like when she went into heat for the first time and I wasn’t sure why she was acting so strange…had her spayed and front claws removed…so that’s like taking them to the doctor. I keep an eye on her physical health make sure she doesn’t get hurt or anything. And I’ve raised her since she was 3 months old so she has been a major part of my life for 9 wonderful years. She is the closest thing to a kid I think I will ever have. If you’re worried about having children perhaps try raising a pet a few years, they’re just as stressful especially if you get a young pet like a puppy or kitten, but they’re also just as fun. Then if you have a relapse and you find yourselves unable to care for the pet, it isn’t as hard giving them up as giving up a child would be. True giving away a pet is extremely emotional (I had to give away 2 cats I loved dearly once) but it doesn’t necessarily have the stigma that last a lifetime if a child has to be taken from the home.

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#7

well said hunni…how could i possibly forget the endless chatter from a child from the age of three to teen years…if you like me time, forget it. one of my biggest arguments with my husband was that i couldn’t even (and sorry to be so graphic) take a wee a poo or a bath on my own without my two toddlers following me in there and staying with their endless babble about the latest toy, book, program. it’s cute for about ten minutes but from 5am till bed time at 7pm it can get a little draining. if it were an adult you’d scream “shut the ■■■■ up!!!”| but it’s your child so you stick a smile on and say in excited tones, “really honey? that’s great!! i do so love blah blah blah!!” even when the voices hate you and won’t stop talking for a second, even when your delusions are so real you can’t see past them. there’s no mummy needs to lay down for a few hours coz all you get is a screaming child tugging at you so you can’t sleep and how could you anyway? there are so many dangers in a house with toddlers. drinkable bleach under the sink, drugs in the medicine cabinet that look like lil rainbow coloured sweeties, plug sockets to stick metal things into (been there) tables to whack their heads off of when they get a little too rampant and start running around like lunatics (been there), stairs to fall down (been there), doors to shut fingers in been there), soil and poisonous plants to eat in the garden. all these things have to be catered for before the child can crawl. socket covers, door jam covers, bands for door handles on cupboards, stairgates,lockable medicine cabinet, looking at what is in your garden, does your dog poop out there? if it does you’d better follow it round with a poopascoop coz guarenteed a toddler will find it and play with it and that’s before you even step outside the door and when you do? christ almighty!! kidnappers and peadophiles at every turn…most people aren’t but how can you tell right?..if you think you’re paranoid now, wait till you have babies…it’s a real rollercoaster from birth onwards.

#8

I wouldn’t have kids myself. With child abductions going on, it would put me right off.

#9

Maybe in the past 20 years ago, but today I would find it difficult to find a partner for me to have kids and I am maybe too old already. So no kids.

#10

I thought about it maybe one or two seconds.

Id be forcing alot of pain onto them schizophrenia or not, it’s almost all pain and imminent painful death down here. World wars, genocides, terrorist attacks, murders, psycho rich and powerful people, poverty, not enough oppurtunity, unhealthy food, horrible living environment, natural disasters, the rapes, serial killers, and the rest of it.

If they were lucky they could probably just work almost every hour of their lives and then get old, rot, and die a horrible death. I guess that is lucky for earth. Just doesn’t sound good enough to have children.

It’s the golden rule. Treat your semen how you would like to be treated and just flush them down the toilet.

#11

When was delusional thought I pregnant
I’m 42
In reality I could not cope with a baby
I’m not fussed that I’m not going to have kids
I don’t feel I really want kids
I have 3 lovely nieces and a lovely nephew

#12

What if three out of four of my siblings have schizophrenia?

#13

If three out of four of your sibling have it, DO NOT have a child, they are likely to have it too.