Hard day (insight is low)

In short - insight. I just… cannot make up my head. Today I cannot understand whether I had pscyhosis at all. It’s so… hard to understand for me. Mostly I remember certain moments with my family when they said “its just normal for her to pretend, it’s her ugly character”

It seems I do understand what’s hapenning, I mean, I understand surroundings and people… so it means, I am not hallucinating, yeah?

Sometimes I don’t get why I need meds. Maybe I am simply a bad person which pretends the whole SZ thing. I overthink whether there is possibility for me to pretend for almost 7 years, is this possible to trick all the doctors, and IDK. Possibility is low… :frowning:

Though I just want to know an actual thing hapenning with me.

My father had this idea that I pretended to skip school. But then why I graduated, why then I went to college and now to university? Then they said it’s for attention, but then…I had way more attention when I was “non-psychotic”, it was quite the opposite when I “possibly” became ill. After my start of possible or real illness I lost all the friends.
I actually didn’t get anything good even if I pretended.

Why, when I stopped meds for a week I became worse? It’s also not clear for me… maybe I am taking meds and pretending I need them??

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I told my Psychiatrist my dad wont except me using SZ as any excuse.

She immediately wanted to talk to him and I told her it will cause more stress.

Has your psychiatrist offered to talk to your family or will it cause more confusion and stress.

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They had a talk when I was still a teenager.

Probably that’s why my mom is accepting my illness more (if I truly have it, I really feel confused today)
My mom was going to doctors non stop with me together. So she was the only one in my family at the very beginning which was defending me from my father and his harsh words.

Father interacted with doctors only at hospitals (I was two times at hospital and both times for a month) and several times he interacted with my Pdoc. And he still sometimes believe it’s not SZ at all.

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I think you should stop thinking. Take your meds . Nobody (doctors) isn’t lying to you. Take your meds and try to create best life for yourself. You cannot change anything about your med intake. But you can create beautiful life for yourself even with meds . Diagnosis doesn’t define who you are.

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My father constantly told me people don’t let mental illness or any ailments stop them.

My mother thinks mental illness especially SZ is very debilitating.

My mom says my dad has not seen me ill like she has.

My dad trusts me more with SZ. My mother got very disturbed at some of the things I said to her and is kind of traumatized in a way.

In the beginning I was confused and still am in a way as to what my issues are that my parents see in me. But I have lived off of them my whole life and things are kind of working out.

I am trying to regain some trust with my mother by really getting the house in order like she needs it cleaning wise.

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@spirit_weaver thanks. It seems that’s truth. I cannot stop meds and the possibility of me pretending for so many years is very small. :slight_smile:

@Dude1 I wish you the best…probably right, it makes me realise people can have different opinions and views even on the same topic. Your mother is right - SZ can be very debilitating… :frowning: sadly.

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My mother used to volunteer at a safe house for homeless and says to her my SZ is mild though.

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Find positive aspects of yourself
You can work
You are healthy
You are beautiful

You can create whatever you want in life.

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Focus on things that can make positive change in your life.

Like immersing in a hobby
Focus on simple things that brings you pleasure.

Think of it this way .
What my thinking of psychosis if it’s real or not can give me . It doesn’t change anything . But you can function well in this world so focus on what you can do

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It would be very interesting to volunteer for me personally, in such place. I would want to see, how other people with SZ lives.
:slight_smile: I believe most of our forms here are very mild. Because we here seem like having more insight than most of people with SZ.

I could even say thanks to… IDK who, maybe God, that I can work, atleast now. My pdoc said it’s very very mild what I have @Dude1

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Very big thanks to you @spirit_weaver
You are giving this positive vibe here :slight_smile: That’s right. The most important thing is that meds help and we can function.

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Did you talk with your doctor before going off meds?

I hate when ignorant family members, who don’t bother to read about SZ, accuse mentally ill people of being attention seekers. This is a form of invalidation and borders on gas-lighting (getting someone to doubt their reality). Many ill people go out of their way to hide their problem. They’re barely hanging onto reality. I got a lot of shame for my condition.

I was in denial about my declining mental health between 1998 to 2008…ten years. I was hearing more and more nonsense. I was very delusional and caught several hallucinations in action (using logic and a friend was with me once). In 2008, after I had tried all kinds of alternative treatments, I finally admitted I needed medication. I tried it and it improved my life a lot, with in a little over a month. So talk to your doctor before making med changes.

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It’s not normal that you are worrying this much about faking it. It sounds like your illness.

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I had a new therapist recently tell me that my doctors have been wrong about me having schizoaffective disorder. I felt like she was saying I was making it up. Then I got to thinking that maybe I was. Thankfully, my psychiatrist told me the new therapist was highly inaccurate.

I stopped seeing that therapist and found a new one. But the whole experience was very destabilizing for me.

Please don’t doubt yourself.

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I understand. At times I’m better than other times.

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