Hallucinations/delusions of being raped

Unusual Beliefs
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I am a guy, but to be very specific I am FTM (we’ll get into that later)

Ever since two years ago I’ve been having fears of being raped or sexually assaulted. I even have this on going yearly delusion that I was raped as a child

But it’s ruining my life. My dad and I fight CONSTANTLY and I’m angry at him all of the time. Everytime he enters the room I go into flight or fight (I go into fight) and I get mad at him. He abuses me verbally, but it’s lessened now. Usually he just threatens my pets but it still scares me. I don’t know if I want to get into what he says because my brain represses things like this, so I think it’s a lost cause. Not to mention, I will not allow anyone to touch me. Not my mom (who I’m very attached to), not my friends, not strangers, even if they’re female, not anyone. My mom still touches me anyways, but she does it kindly. I will still have violent shivers and go into panic mode, but I appreciate her love anyways. I don’t know why this developed, but it goes along my fear of being attacked or sexually assaulted.

Anyways, I have a huge fear talking about this because the last forum I was on I was told I was too sick to know, or my autism (which hasn’t been diagnosed) was confusing me. Before we continue, this topic is very sensitive to me so if I react badly to negativity please excuse my behavior.

Why do I even think I was raped? Well, it first started off as a delusion (honestly can’t remember, something brought it to my attention because my dad was doing some shifty stuff), and then I dropped it. Then earlier this year I talked about my concern with my uncle and boyfriend, who told me something very fishy was going on. I fit almost every symptom of child rape, but again I will never know for sure.

I was looking for an answer as to why I had schizo even as a baby (I know that’s not possible, I just mean symptoms), since that is not normal, and it something developed as you’re older. But I’ve heard of cases of abused children developing this early on, so I was intrigued. I can remember up to 2 years old. I was fine from 2-4, and then my memory is gone. I remember I was a difficult child because I was so severely ill. I also remember a few doctor’s visits because I kept getting urinary tract infections and burning pain down there (I am FTM, so I have girl parts technically). My dad and I were VERY close. We were, until he was giving me a message (we played this game called Surgeon, where he takes household objects and pretends to cut me open, but it was pleasant and I enjoyed it don’t worry) and I had a panic attack. I wouldn’t let him play that with me anymore. Then the time he was giving me a back message and he went down too far, not actually touching me, but he went far enough to make me very uncomfortable. I didn’t let him do that to me anymore after the second time.

I have parent attachment issues. Up until 7th grade I would cry or almost cry every time I went to school because I couldn’t bear to be without my mom. She made me feel safe, even though she stresses me out so much I feel sick. I would sleep in my parent’s bedrooms until sophomore year. Now it’s just I won’t do things without her (talking to people at desks, walking without her etc.)

Then my weird fear of my father started. Maybe three years ago? We fought and fought and fought every day, sometimes twice a day, usually me throwing a tantrum after and crying and self harming. After a few nasty fights I broke off from him, and that’s how my anger towards him came to be. He would sometimes touch my thigh or close to inside of my thigh, or grab my butt/poke it, or make me feel violated. I would result into hitting him after my many attempts at telling him no or ignoring. It was becoming a problem, so I just started to avoid him. When I heard him come inside I would hide in my closet or freeze, trying not to throw up. I can’t explain the feelings I would get when he would touch me (non sexually, usually just playful or affection). I would feel violated, like something had happened, something from my memory poked up, and then I was “aroused” (it wasn’t really. It was a fear response, I’m not sure). Which is weird because I feel so sexual attraction. I cannot get aroused. Sex is taboo for me and terrifies the crap out of me. I try to avoid it as much as possible, but seeing as I’m nearly a senior, I can’t. It’s just painful. Not sure if this is TMI but I don’t have a cherry.

I’m also overly sexual, but there’s no intent behind it. It’s something I can’t seem to control. I say too many dirty things, too many sex jokes, even though none of it makes me laugh. I make some people uncomfortable and I always try to apologize, I just can’t seem to reel it in. As a child I was very sexual, without knowing anything about sex but I think that’s normal.

I also have a fear of being naked. I wouldn’t bathe or take a shower for weeks as a kid because I couldn’t stand being naked, for fears I don’t know. I still can’t but I shower regularly, making sure no one can see me.

My dad sometimes makes weird comments about me, but I think he’s just complimenting me. It’s also probably my paranoia, but he stares at me a lot. He’ll just sit there or stand near me and stare. I’ll ask him what he’s doing and he just says “I like looking at you”. It creeps me out because I don’t like people looking at me. He also sometimes looks me up and down or near my chest and say “I made some good children”.

I understand I am delusional, I just really need an outlet and some support. Thank you if you read all of that.

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possible trigger warning

I went through something similar because I didnt understand how during my first psychotic episode I could experience such vivid hallucinations of rape & sexual abuse. It was discussed a lot in therapy if something had happened to me when I was younger and I had repressed it and those memories had come through via psychosis. But I spent so much time freaking out over whether anything had happened and trying to think of any time or situation it could have happened and nothing came up.

Honestly if something did happen, (I’m not saying it did) and you don’t remember it, it means your brain isn’t ready to remember it. It will come back on its own time. My mom had a friend since childhood and she did not remember any of her childhood abuse until the night of their senior prom where she just burst out in tears and freaked everyone out.

On the other hand it is definitely possible to have delusions of abuse and have paranoia causing you to read too much into other peoples’ actions. My friend’s little brother, who is very very lost in mental illness to where he is in a long term residential facility, developed the delusional belief that his dad was physically abusive to him, however this was not true. But he became so convinced of this that he will not even be in the same room as the dad and has jumped out windows to get away. He even developed ptsd from the abuse he genuinely believes happened but didn’t. I’ve heard other stories too of people who were brainwashed by abusive partners to think their families had actually always abused them, or people therapists unintentionally lead to believe that they had repressed memories of abuse, this was a huge scandal back in the day.

So yeah it’s a complex topic.

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Your father’s behavior is not normal. Even if he hasn’t done anything outright, it sounds like he is slowly trying to push that line. My father would never touch my on the butt or thighs. No good father would. You are having a normal reaction to what is happening to you. Do you still live with him? Please call child protective services. I will look up the number for you.

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I’m sorry you are having these problems. Perhaps therapy would help you with these things? I have a lot of issues with people touching me. And therapy might help you sort out these feelings a bit. I wish I knew how to help better.

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@SupercoolTM

I’m sorry that you’re going through so much misery.

If you ever feel that you’re in a crisis or suicidal:

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Okay, first of all, repression is a very controversial topic. The main opinion of the research done on it in psychology is that it doesn’t exist, or if it does, it’s very rare. Traumatic events are generally remembered a lot better than non-traumatic events. I would caution you against believing that you have repressed memories that can somehow come back to you, like Anna said, because it could lead to you developing false memories. And it’s extremely unlikely that you will suddenly “remember” anything traumatic that happened to you, especially as a child. If those things happened to you, the memories are gone.

Secondly, I think you need to stop trying to figure out if you were abused as a child or not. You will not figure it out unless someone admits to it, and trying to get anyone to admit to that could cause a lot of damage to many of your relationships and it will probably have no positive effect whatsoever on your recovery. You need to focus on the here and now. You need to focus on how you can improve in those areas that you’re struggling in. And, frankly, a part of that might be to put up some healthy boundaries with your dad, because while all the fighting surely isn’t doing you any good, he seems to be disrespecting your boundaries with, and I’m going to be blunt here, creepy and offensive behavior.

I’m sorry this post wasn’t more empathic. But these are very important issues. I wanted to stress how important it is that you don’t try to recover repressed memories, and don’t spend your efforts thinking about things that you will probably never know if happened or not. You have a lot of things that suggest something could have happened. But in the end, you can’t use these signs to find the truth. I’m sorry.

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I have a combination of having been severely abused and delusions. I have records of my abuse from when I was a child with child protective services and I was also abused as an older teen. Now, I have problems with delusions and my past makes it that much harder to discern the truth, the reality of what’s going on. I think first getting your sz delusions under control as much as possible is important, with meds and whatever else helps you. Then you can try counseling for your current issues with fear of intimacy and touch. But it will be hard to work on that if you’re actively delusional because you won’t know what’s real and what isn’t. By the way, your dad should not touch your butt or thigh. It’s abusive. You should report it.

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Thank you very much, I really appreciate it. I understand I’ll never figure it out, I don’t know why I still worry. I’m just sick, I think. I’m obsessed with finding answers to my issues, and I just wish I could drop it. Thanks for being so informative. I just don’t understand why I can’t remember bad things, then, if I don’t repress memories.

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Thank you, I really appreciate it. I’m so sorry those things happened to you, that’s awful. In my family, a lot of things went unnoticed. Hell, my parents didn’t get me help for my severe anxiety disorders until I was in 6th grade! My mom never did anything to stop my dad, but to be fair, most of it was when she wasn’t home. My sister never noticed it either.

My mom actually used to be difficult with me as well. I have no memory what she said to me, but I remember crying a lot after the things she told me and once I tried to run away after a nasty fight. I was a difficult child to be honest, I have autism and my plethora of mental illnesses were severe back then. But I feel like I could have gotten more love. Whenever I think of my childhood, I think of lack of love and empathy. MY abusive school system didn’t help (I was obviously struggling with school but I never got help, I was just yelled at and punished).

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Thanks Noise. I wish I could get therapy.

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Yes I still live with him, I am going to hopefully move out when I’m done with my senior year. I just don’t think I can get help for it, though, because everything he did was a year ago. I think it has to be recent, right? No one can take my word for it if it’s been a while. It’s a bad habit of mine, especially when I was sexually harassed by someone at school and didn’t tell anyone for a month. Plus everyone shrugged it off because “he was just joking”, but his eyes didn’t say that when he grabbed my arms forcefully and made sexual gestures at me, pinning me against the wall. Idk. I just don’t think I can get help

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Thank you for your input, that was really helpful

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There is no statute of limitations on sexual abuse of a minor. It doesn’t matter if you wait ten years to report it. The fact is, if you’re living with someone who touches you inappropriately, you shouldn’t be living with him any longer. There are people who can help. Please, call and help yourself.

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Okay, I will look into it. I would love to, I really would, but it would break me. I love my dad. He loves me twice as much, he does everything for me… if I did this, his heart would be broken. He would drink again… my family would be torn apart, my mom in shambles, and my sister yelling at me and blaming me.

I know my family enough to know this. It won’t make me feel any better

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It tore my family apart, too, when everything came out about my brother. But it’s important to remember that you are not the one at fault. Your father is. His inappropriate actions are the problem, not your reaction to them. So many kids never escape from abusive environments because they are afraid of hurting their abusers with their accusations. They have internalized and normalized abusive behavior, and are incapable of recognizing it as abuse.

I spent most of my life thinking it was normal to wake up to men sneaking into my bed while I slept. I never had anyone tell me that is not okay. So I’m telling you, it is not okay for a grown man to touch you on the butt and inner thigh. It is, without a doubt, sexual abuse. I don’t know if anything more happened, and neither do you. You’ll probably never know. But touching you on the butt and thigh is sexual abuse. It has clearly traumatized you. You are displaying all the symptoms of someone who has experienced childhood sexual abuse. You need real help for it.

If you are afraid to call on your own, I recommend telling a trusted teacher, therapist, or guidance counselor. They will be able to make the call for you.

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I just really love my dad… I will talk to someone though, thank you for the comfort

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I also want to give you some hope, from one survivor to another. It is possible to recover. I spent most of my life unable to tolerate any physical contact at all. Every touch made me want to throw up, even if it was good and wanted. But once I started going to therapy, I was able to learn some coping skills. Now, I am able to initiate and enjoy hugs. I even have a happy, healthy relationship with my husband. Sometimes, touch still frightens me, but when it happens, I am able to refocus my energy and stay calm. I have good days and bad days, but the good days are outnumbering the bad ones by a lot.

I was able to get free trauma counseling through the RAINN network. They could help you, too. Their number is 1-800-656-4673. You can find out more about them here.

https://www.rainn.org/about-national-sexual-assault-telephone-hotline

I understand that you still love your dad. I still love my brother. Love is complicated. But you can love him without putting yourself in danger of being abused.

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Thank you. I don’t think I’ve ever really had someone speak with me like this. I understand a lot of the time I’m being delusional about the “rape”, and it never helps me when people are mean to me about it. If I talk about it, no one helps me, but I do get some support. It’s really nice to have someone who believes me and actually is helping me, thank you.

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It is a scary thing to think that someone you know could be abusive. I think that’s why so many people choose to dismiss accusations. Nobody wants to believe that someone they respect and admire can do horrible things. Part of the problem is that people have a mental image of what an abuser looks like. They picture an unquestionably creepy, evil man who is never nice and always horrible.

But the truth is, abusers are complex people, and they are fully capable of showing compassion and kindness. They are frequently struggling with things themselves. They can be charismatic, fun people with amazing reputations. None of those qualities stop them from being abusive, though. Trained CPS professionals will be more equipped to understand and believe your story than the average person. They have been trained to spot signs of child abuse. They will be able to help.

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