This didn’t erase my good day but it was a little disturbing. I was in Sacramento today with my two sisters visiting my step mom and her boyfriend. The day went well; we chatted for awhile then went out to eat Mexican food and then came back and talked some more. It was all a bit much for me so I took a couple naps in the corner while the women talked.
At one point, while I was awake, the subject turned to all the crazy stuff going on around our area. Like an Amazon driver being shot to death while delivering a package and a mailman being robbed and how people are stealing mail and breaking into mailboxes. My step mom brought up a case where a guy shot three people to death in a park across town. She brought up the fact that the gunman was mentally ill and she said with hatred, “Yeah, it’s those damn mentally ill that are causing trouble and going around killing people,” and then she went on a mini-rant about the mentally ill. I just sat there and didn’t say anything. I’ve known her 35 years, she obviously knows about my mental illness. It was ugly, she didn’t even act like I was there or that it might offend me or hurt my feelings; I felt terrible. My sisters said, “It’s only some of the mentally ill, not all of them.” And to my step mothers credit, she agreed with that.
But I’m learning a lot about my family. I thought my sisters were cool with my schizophrenia, they always treated me well and invited me everywhere with their friends and husbands and used to come to family group therapy. II’ve had schizophrenia 43 years (and have never gotten violent by the way), and it never occurred to me until just like three years ago that my oldest sister would think I’m crazy. But I learned 3 years ago she thinks I’m crazy. It just never occurred to me before; she still treats me alright though.
And I finally picked up on the fact just about 4 months ago that my next oldest sister now has issues with my mental illness. I don’t know exactly what she thinks about it but she is guarded around me and is throwing the word “crazy” around a suspiciously lot of times and seems to be looking down on me.
It’s all a bit much. I’m getting overwhelmed; the roommate has zero respect for me, when the neighbors think of me, they laugh. My boss laughs at me. It’s hard to have any self esteem or confidence or self respect. I read all this inspirational things that say, “Believe in yourself, even if no one else does,” but it’s hard to think I’m worthy of respect when everybody around me treats me with such disrespect. I try to tell myself I’m as good as anyone else but maybe everyone around me are all right and I’m wrong.