Getting that distinct feeling that someone else is going to move in my house. Again

[Charles_Foster]

As most of you know,

I spent years caring for my mother in law after my husband brought her into our home against my wishes.

We agreed years and years ago that we would live together, just us, for the rest of our lives.

We made an exception for her,

Now I feel like my husband is going to ask for another one.

Our friend is in bad shape.

He introduced my husband and I,

Also we were both close friends of his independently.

He’s struggled with about every kind of substance addiction you can get into.

When we thought he was at his lowest, we sent him to rehab several states way to get off heroin.

Since he moved away from us some years ago,

He’s steadily been drinking himself to death.

Well, he’s dying now.

Liver is blown out, needs a transplant.

Kidneys are hardly working,

He’s on dialysis.

And a plethora of other issues, all related to drinking/drug use.

This man is my husband’s best friend.

I know he’s going to ask if he can come live with us at some point.

I can FEEL it.

Soon this guy is not going to be able to care for himself or support himself financially.

I don’t want to be a caretaker again.

My life is worth more than that.

Sounds mean, but I’ve done my time.

How can I discourage this?

He’s going to have to go to a care facility at our age (37) if someone doesn’t intervene.

[shutterbug]

You do NOT want an active addict in your home and that’s without all of the health and financial issues. He’s not your husband’s best friend, YOU are. Time to force a choice.

[Charles_Foster]

It’s true.

Even if he weren’t an addict and in such bad shape,

We agreed,

No more people living with us.

And last time he lived with us he carried on a year’s long heroin addiction.

Behind our backs until it couldn’t be hidden.

There are so many reasons not to let him here.

Gods, I hope my husband doesn’t ask,

But I need to be prepared to draw the line if he does.

[Joker]

Sounds like this person is in a mess. Hard choice to make, but you can’t take in everyone who’s falling on bad times as there is always something going on with someone

Might be harsh, but life is cruel

[shutterbug]

Landing on the streets homeless with a messed up liver is what got me to AA and kept me there. If I’d had a softer landing I probably would have kept drinking and died a drunk. You’re not helping alcoholics when you stop them from hitting their bottom, hard.

[Bowens]

Sounds like you and your husband are kind people to look after those who need help.
You certainly have no obligation to do so though. Like Joker basically said. There is no shortage of people that need help. You don’t have to be everyone’s savior.

[Joker]

@shutterbug

when you stop them from hitting their bottom, hard.

The law sorted me out, and I have been (Pretty much) clean ever since.

This guy sounds like he needs some specialist care

[Wave]

Sounds like he needs to be placed in a care facility anyway.

You guys won’t be able to provide the care he needs.

He sounds like he’s in bad shape.

[CoCo]

I agree with everyone. Send him to a care facility. You definitely don’t want a current user drug addict in your home. He sounds too sick to be taken care of at home.

[everhopeful]

I also agree with everyone. He needs specialist care.

[shutterbug]

We’ve seen in the past that once someone gets in, you can’t get them back out easily @Charles_Foster. You also know how badly it affects your health. I’d suggest doing everything possible to prevent the person from getting in.

[Ooorgle]

I wouldn’t take that responsibility on. Not for someone in active addiction.

At this point it’s just watching someone kill themselves. It doesn’t sound like he has any plans of stopping.

I would always have thanks for him, and the introductions. But it’s not worth putting my own sanity and sobriety in risk. It’s self care, not selfishness.

[Pikasaur]

I think it may be an idea to have a pre-emptive talk with your husband.
If he’s going to ask you, he’ll probably consider it for a while first and get disappointed when you say no.

I’d nip it in the bud and sit him down to tell him you know his friend is struggling and you worry you’ll be asked to care for him. Then put emphasis on what it did to you last time you were a caretaker (no alone time, all the responsibility fell on you, a ton of stress making your symptoms flare up, etc). If you see it necessary, you could even drive it home by letting him know of the resentment you started to feel, or mention the possibility your marriage may not survive.