I’ve been falling apart today. I don’t know why.
Meds… yes
Good nights sleep… yes
Healthy breakfast… yes
I’ve been misreading things, voices acting up a bit today… causing me to mishear things. Misunderstanding things… I’m all over the freaking board. Feeling weak in the limbs… paranoid spike… want to jump out of my skin. Being super hypersensitive… don’t know why.
I have NO reason for an anxiety spike to be happening. I will get through this. I was starting to get very angry with myself… but that only started to make me feel worse.
So right now… in the thick of my wheels wobbling… I have to remember… breathe… think of what I’m doing right now… slow my thoughts… think calm things and get some of the smaller chores done…
Feed the fish
Wash up the morning breakfast dishes
pack my swim gear
put the bills in the mail box in the lobby.
Getting angry at myself only makes me feel more anxious and worse. I just have to accept this as a glitch day.
Thank you all for being here and letting me have some cheese with my whine.
i hope your day gets better, allow your meds to kick in a bit, take some time for yourself, and avoid people till you feel better in control of yourself. Like you said, you will get through this, i wish you a better day.
I love this sort of conversation. If my post today seems a bit out there … please forgive. I have been having a hard time getting my head straight today. Many things and events all running together into a mash up.
It is so frustrating when I take my meds… I do the work… I try so hard to get past this…
But again… stress only makes the quicksand happen faster.
Thank you so much for your patience and friendship. I’ll go calm down and hit the reset button.
@Kittycat Thank you as well for the kind wishes. It helps to have a shout out of support. Hope you have a great day as well. Right now… I have to go.
Wasn’t sure to put here or your last post after katwomansz posted. …Living alone I tend to rely on the TV or as you probably guessed by my love of music…Music. So radio often or my own music. Now even You tube will put random music clips on constant auto play.
Most of it helps to just stop hearing my own thoughts while on my own. Also stops my mind and sensors extending so blocks outside influences that would disturb and trigger more anxiety.
Music can heal also so relaxing music can help settle anxiety, anger etc. I have a collection of relaxing music Tony O’connor specifically as was the leader in the field. Working with psychologists and masseurs to create music that was specifically produced to calm and relax the listener.
Are many of his songs on youtube if you’re interested.
Hope you feel better. Is it possible that youre coming down with something? Everyone here is still going around with the flu and stomach virus! Maybe an Advil will help?
I have a short fuse. Sometimes the slightest thing will set me off. I’ve gotten a lot better over the past 5 years. My wife will ask me if getting angry helps, and I’ll say no. She will then give me the stinkeye as if to say what the hell are you getting mad for then. After 2 or 3 years of that, I improved and get agitated less often. Sometimes I can’t do anything about it and I fly into a rage. That’s where a PRN comes in handy.
People’s lives are like stones dropped in water. There are so many people that there are many many stones being dropped into the water. It was easier to understand our effect before the internet when people lived in rural towns. You could see where your ripples went. But today, with the internet, cities, and just globalization in general, you have no idea where most of your ripples go.
They say that a butterfly can cause a hurricane (or something like that). In other words you may cause a ripple- something you say that someone repeats because they liked the turn of phrase, a piece of garbage you tossed at the can that bounced off and you didn’t notice might give a down-on-his-luck artist an idea on how to make the world more beautiful. But you will never know.
People talking is like the game ‘telephone’. The message is never repeated perfectly. But what it might inspire, either from something inherent in the nature of the comment or the idea it represents could live on far after any of us on here are dead. In fact some one might not see it until we are dead. They say what is on the internet never dies. There might be a scared and confused little boy or girl who finds this network someone even decades later who might read what you have said and realize that it is schizophrenia that is in their head. They might read what you say because starfish mean something to them. Maybe a favorite animal.
When you see an artist on tv there is no way that you can know if that juice bottle that missed the trash on a bad day had anything to do with it. It might be a marble carving of a horse in the old Greek style. But one thing leads to another in ways we can never follow. But all roads lead to the sea.
In fact, one of my characters in one of my stories draws on the things you have mentioned on here. He has glitches. I don’t know anything about you other than whatever I happen to read on here, but everyone here helps me write and helps me feel better. I don’t think my stories will ever see the light of day, but I find it very helpful to know what life is for other sz’s. I think most of my stories have an sz character in them. His overall personality is modeled on what I have seen of peach faced lovebirds, but I have added several glitches you have mentioned on here.
I hope that is ok. His character was never really solidified until I saw those birds on youtube. Let me know if my using your glitches bothers you. It isn’t from his point of view so I need things that remind the reader of what is going on inside him. But I am very thankful to you for mentioning you glitches (if you are ok with me keeping them in my story. They can in no way be traced back to you. It’s just stuff like how he cleared his plate into the sink and then threw it away).
Yesterday just got silly. I was all over the place with the thinking.
It was a day of utter confusion and me asking myself… why did I just say that? Why did I just do that? I know better… what in the world is going on in the brain?
I packed my stuff and went to work yesterday… on my day off. Almost got lost trying to get home.
Didn’t do so well taking one of my online practice test… I was all over the place and the answers just faded out of my head. Thank goodness it was for practice.
I also completely forgot a date and stood my girlfriend up. I couldn’t get my brain and my body on the same page. So mad at myself… so mad at this broken brain.
Today… Hanging tight to my sis and my Girlfriend, going for a swim with them soon. Not driving. Maybe a good long swim will help.
Thank you all for the patience and the friendship.
One of the most profound moments while watching the movie The Avengers came from a bit of throwaway dialogue:
Steve Rogers: Doctor Banner, now might be a good time for you to get angry.
Bruce Banner: That’s my secret, Captain: I’m always angry.
It described me too well. My default setting seems to be angry. The good news is that after nearly 23 years of attending 12 Step programs I’m getting much better at becoming un-angry.
Anger never helps. It’s just putting out a fire with gasoline.
Hopefully your better by the time you read this if not when’s your next tdoc appt? See if talking to a phone counsellor helps any also. Just sounds like to me you need to vent on something that’s eating you by your last post.
️:icecream: