My last session when I was talking to my therapist about my depression and how life was dull and uninteresting, and how I brought up that at least when I’m psychotic things aren’t so boring she said she was concerned I may be “seduced” back into psychosis and the wording just bothered me. Meanwhile I’ve been talking with Lou a lot lately and lord knows he’s not a good influence, though I’ve been talking with Gloria and Thomas too. (Part of my family, they don’t exist in the physical world) I’ve been arguing with gloria and Thomas about being trapped here and they’ve been doing their best to try and help me deal with those feelings. But I still can’t deny the fact that I was fervently thinking of suicide on my way to class today, so strongly tempted by the knowledge that I could end all this. As of yet I’m still bound here by certain chains…
Moved to Unusual Beliefs
Anna, you’re human and you belong on planet Earth. You belong with the living, with the breathers, with the eaters and poopers. I think your therapist might be right, you’re too enamorate with the ideas your delusions present to you, you’re too into it and it shows.
Don’t lose your humanity over a false belief.
I had to give up my humanity a long time ago. I’ll run away someday.
I’m fine I’m just obnoxious. I’m always told to behave but where’s the fun in that? I’m going to bed now. My blood boils.
Hope you’ll be okay Anna. Suicide is not the answer. Be Anna the human until you leave naturally. If you want more magic get spiritual, but stay here.
My delusions overwhelm me too and sometimes I think that it’s too painful living in this false reality but these guys are right. Life is too precious and we have to just do our best to shove away the feelings our delusions put on us and stay in the here and now. Hope you feel better.
A choice a lot of us have had to make is “meds and side effects , or death”.
What worries me here is that Anna is telling us that she’s almost choosing the second option because she doesn’t belong here. When she in fact, very much does.
You belong here Anna!
I wish I had some way to make myself feel like I belonged here more. I don’t know how to change these beliefs that I’ve had since I was a very young child. I was considering seeking intensive therapy again today, like when I did PHP, (I don’t see my therapist again until December) but I would miss way too much of class and something tells me that one week would not be enough to change my deeply held beliefs. Still at the same time I’m aware that the beast feeding me these things would be much happier if I were dead so I try to keep that in mind. I just feel so strongly alienated from the world and other people and this feeling grows the older I get.
Your beliefs aren’t the problem. You can still have whacky beliefs (like me) and have meds dealing with the mental torture. My whacky beliefs are just in the background now. It’s not a life or death struggle with them.
Also, with regards to therapy, Mental illness isn’t something you can think you way out of unfortunately.
Anyway, I’m just encouraging you to try other meds. There’s a med out there with your name on it.
Meds did not take away the feeling that I don’t belong or fit in this world. I was aware that even while on meds I still didn’t really connect with being human.
I guess it just didn’t bother me as much, or I still found motivation and reason to be here. I definitely didn’t really get depressing thoughts while I was on them. I guess maybe I should go back on an antidepressant, but I want to try addressing the bad thoughts in CBT first.
Meds take a while to work. Minnii had delusions that hung on over a year after meds.
Think of all the people you will leave behind if you commit suicide. Think of all the thing you could’ve done but won’t be able to if you do. In the very least think of it like this. We only have a certain amount of time here on earth. Then after that is an eternity of whatever you believe in whether it is an afterlife or something else. Once you pass that boundary you can’t comeback. So the best thing is to enjoy the ups and yes even the downs while we are here.
Don’t commit suicide… I tried to commit suicide once because of the hallucinations and delusions. I still have regret because of what it put my family through as well as my friends(when I had them, have less of them now).