So I went in my weekly pilgrimage to see my doctor yesterday. It’s been a year since my last psychotic episode and I’m in a deep depression. She has helped me so far by pulling me out of it pretty well, but I have completely lost hope for my future.
She told me during the session yesterday that I will continue to improve but I’ll never be “fine”. I will always struggle. I don’t know how much of this ■■■■ I can take. I’m jobless, and completely hopeless at this point. I don’t see ever coming back. I’ve decided to protest by starving myself and laying in bed.
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feeling asleep…!!!
My good wishes are with U gorilla…!!1
Stay safe and be optimistic we only have one life and its precious…!!!
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I’m sorry you’re depressed. It’s an awful place to be. Congratulations on being one year psychosis free.
Things can change. It might not feel like it at the moment, but things can change.
I’m glad you have a good doctor who is helping you.
Take care.
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Thanks @far_cry0. Have a good night. Im still hopeful for better medicines/cure, I just got some harsh news yesterday.
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You’re doctor said that you’d never be fine? And you’re still paying her? Seek a better psychiatrist for real. There’s always hope. Because you may be fine someday. You may not always struggle. What a shitty doctor she is.
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Don’t punish yourself. Aren’t you suffering enough? I’m all for wallowing in self pity from time to time (really), but don’t give up on yourself.
I’m not a golden child of sz. I didn’t push through and accomplish great things, but I also didn’t give up. I have a decent life: a job, a husband, a car… 
I have good days and I have bad days and just about anyone could say the same on some level.
Wallow away for a time, but be kind to yourself. Each day do what you can. You’re going to be ok, “fine”, which is still better than not being ok… 
️
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I know right? she’s a head professor of psychiatry here at Columbia in NYC.
The smartest doctor Ive ever seen. I think she meant it like ill never be completely fine, like without issues. I guess its true, I wasn’t fine before I got sick, but I also wasn’t seriously mentally ill like I am now. New York is tough, they don’t sugar coat things, they tell it like it is and I believe her. Not gonna be fine though, thats pretty hard to accept.
Thanks @Hedgehog, Ive had this illness for 15 years now, its episodic(either schizoaffective or Bipolar) they can’t make up their minds. Ive been severely disabled by it. 39 no life, can’t really work, lost all of my friends. Never even had a chance really, and the embarrassment that Ive suffered can never be lived down. Now that I know Im not gonna be fine I don’t know where to turn. I knew when I got sick last october that I wasn’t gonna pull through this one. I still haven’t, the emotional scars are just too deep
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I’m not really a hugger, @MeghillaGorilla1, but I send a sincere virtual hug your way right now. ️ I’ll be 50 soon and have been a mess one way or another my entire teen and adult life. I’ve punished myself in many ways, so I get the concept, and how right it feels to do that sometimes. But, I have found that hanging in there is worthwhile. Trying what you can when you can is a way to inch forward and find a place in this world.
I don’t know what you had planned for your life or what embarrassment you’ve suffered. People who get through these unbelievable trials though, we have nothing to be ashamed of…nothing.
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Thank you @Hedgehog, you reply means a lot. I do feel justified in laying around, even though theres still that part of me that wants to live, I know its not possible right now. Im too depressed, and the disbelief at my own mind going astray is unbelievable. I hope that there is a place for me one day. Im taking your advice to heart as someone whose been there, and thanks for the hug 
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Good nyte @MeghillaGorilla1 & @Hedgehog…!!!
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Hang in there @MeghillaGorilla1 . Doctors have different opinions. That’s why people get second opinions. I had a psychiatrist tell me once that schizophrenics can be more successful than normies as schizophrenics can be more focused.
Then, my current doctor had written me off completely, and all but said so. But I bounced back.
Don’t underestimate the human spirit or yourself.
Keep fighting.
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Laying in bed and thinking it’s probably best for you right now
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This might sound mean, but I think someone ought to say it.
You already know that exercise and food would make you feel better.
If you want to protest, write a letter of protest, don’t starve yourself.
Bed is good and cannot be denied.
Sorry for mean
This was a little mean but its ok, I think I can handle it. Im not going to let it get me down, I know that mean people are out there too.
I am not going to write a letter of protest because nobody would want to hear it.
Instead I am going to stop eating and drinking fluids as a sign of protest against the
I was hoping you would work out some feelings by writing, but its not for everyone.
Since being mean didn’t work you can have a hug instead
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thanks @Bee3, it hurt a little bit what you said but maybe you have a point.
I am going to get up now, order a pizza, and then go for a walk. I don’t think starving myself is going to prove anything. Oh and I love to write but I did enough of that yesterday, my head was literally glued to the screen. I always feel a little better after I write.
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