About a week ago while looking for a video I sent him on messenger I found a video chat between him and his ex friend with benefits from April. I confronted him about it and he claimed she had reached out to him in February, he had tried to ignore and block her but she kept finding him on other social media and he would tell her to leave him alone but she didn’t listen so finally he had the video chat with her to tell her he planned on marrying me and that she needed to stop and that was the end of it. He said he didn’t tell me about it because he was afraid I’d think something was going on.
So a couple days ago I am on his phone ordering groceries and decide to go through his deleted texts and find a text chain between him and his ex from this year. It was full of sexting, inappropriate pictures exchanged, etc. Shocked and heartbroken are euphemisms for what I felt at the time. I screamed at him and kicked him out of the apartment.
I talked with my therapist about it and we weighed if the relationship was worth trying to fix or let go, and I decided it was worth trying to fix and my therapist agreed based on what I told him. So that’s what we are trying to do right now. And it is hard, so hard, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I am in a lot of pain right now. If anyone has been through something similar and fixed their relationship please let me know how it went. As of this point we are going to do couples counseling and individual therapy for both of us too.
I have no words for the grief I feel right now.
Thanks for your share, here. There is SOME nuance to the cheat, maybe. But I KNOW you were lied to, so he needs to be held accountable for that… Your situation (to me) contains some ‘grey’, so I feel you in your dilemma…
(I’m a guy, and my only relationships lasted months (not years).)
That’s not fair… your such a hard working person, he’s your fiancé and not your BF…
I’m sorry that this happened😕
I hope your couples counseling can help
He’s a liar. How are you supposed to build a future with a liar?
Leave him, find someone else. You’re still very young.
He’s not going to change.
That’s my advice.
I am asking myself that same question right now. Can I see a future with someone who cheated on me? Who lied to me? What if this happens again when we’re married? When we have kids? I have no guarantees.
I went out with someone like that and caught them too.
They don’t change. Liars don’t change.
Just be thankful that you found out now rather than later.
It’s time to find someone else.
True. I hate to be wishy-washy, but perhaps I was too charitable to the guy.
What I say to myself when I’m making bigger type decisions is ‘how do I mitigate potential regret the most’. Does that make sense at all?
Must be hard. Personally I would leave him. I left my gf bcz she cheated on me with her ex. I went to her house one day without telling her that I was coming, I rang the doorbell at the entry of apts building and her ex went out on the balcony. We didnt fight, he said to not come back so I told him thats all what I wanted to know, that she was cheating on me and left. Honestly I suspected that this willl happen as she was acting weird.
My husband and I (while we were engaged) got into a fight,
I started to feel bad about it so I went to his favorite bar to apologize.
While trying to find a parking space I saw him in the hotel lobby across the parking lot,
I went over and he was checking in with some other chick.
I made a huge scene.
He was sorry, I forgave him, obviously we worked it out.
We’ve been married eleven years.
But I didn’t forget.
I think about it sometimes and it still makes me mad.
I don’t trust him the way I did and never will.
It stole something from our relationship we won’t recover.
I’m sharing this story to say,
You can work it out, but that ugly scar will always be there.
It’s up to you to decide whether or not it’s worth it.
Was for me.
Still, it’s not the same.
I’m so sorry this happened,
I hope you make the healthiest choice for you and are happy with it.
My ex wife cheated on me during our marriage multiple times.
It ended in divorce.
I don’t know how far you’ll go to save your relationship but like @anon54386108 mentioned earlier, there will be a scar and doubts that never leave.
I’m sorry this happened to you. You’re obviously feeling really bad right now and I don’t blame you. But in my opinion sexting isn’t the same as cheating. Cheating is when there’s a physical, bodily fluids exchanged type of encounter. He definitelt disrespected you and crossed a line, but he didn’t cheat.
If my husband were sexting and exchanging nude pictures with someone,
I’d be cheating and grounds for divorce.
What this guy did is definitely cheating.
It was deliberate and it went on for a while.
Worse than a one night stand in my opinion.
But I respect your opinion too.
I think words and actions are 2 different things. With actions you run the risk of spreading disease and pregnancy. With words it’s just a matter of respect and hurt feelings. It’s basically extreme flirting. It’s disrespectful for sure.
I don’t understand the concept of cheating. One man alone is exhausting! Why go for two? Foolishness
Uh, that’s creepy. I’ve been married for 20 years and I’ve never snooped my wife’s phone, browser history, or Net traffic (I have the skills to do so). She is entitled to her space from me.
I could not and would not be in a relationship with someone who did this to me. It is not healthy.
It depends. If a dude made a mistake and cheated once that I could forgive. If they cheat on you several times that’s a habit.
I never cheated on anyone. It goes against my beliefs plus I never had the energy. A full time job a kid and a husband. Plus I’ve always struggled with insomnia so I was always too tired.
In my book if a dude looks at porn I consider it cheating. I don’t figure most people see it that way but my mom’s family are “Christians” and porn is taboo in my family. I won’t go extensively into it cos it regards religion but in Christian circles lusting after someone equals cheating. “Look but don’t touch” doesn’t fly with my family.
Great idea to have a converation then. I would not think of disrespecting my wife in this manner by violating her privacy like this.
Oopsy I changed my post completely. You seem to have a really good marriage. That’s a wonderful thing.