Not implying I think I’m dissociative or anything! I just mean that when I’m in an episode and when I’m not I feel like 2 completely different people. Right now, I’m in normal mode and thinking on all my actions and beliefs I had during my last episode buildup…I just don’t understand it. It’s so weird to me. Why did I believe any of that? Why did I think those things? Why did I experience all of that? Right now I’m totally fine. I have a meeting with my therapist tomorrow and honestly my motivation to go is small, because when I’m like this, there’s nothing up with me. Everything is chill.
But Father (again, one of my voices) told me not to let Well-Me dictate the life of Not-Well Me. As in I shouldn’t make decisions that are going to be harmful to myself when I’m in that psychotic state. That other me, crazy me, desperately needs therapy and sees it as her only hope.
It’s just so weird how entirely different my mind becomes on and off episodes.
like emerging . its like something snaps and your like , OK what just happened the past few weeks or months? at that point i either get really discouraged that it happened again or i just withdraw, or i try and laugh it off even though its really frustrating.
my dad said in my first episode of mania he said i didnt look like his son and that my eyes had a very dark blue look to them (normally bright blue)
I can understand where you’re coming from @Anna. I think it’s a common thing to feel that way, especially for those of us who are in recovery. We look back at our past behaviors and actions and think “Who was I?”.
feels like i’m about 200 different people! but then i know where it comes from so i can cope with it. it’s not ok but there’s not a whole lot i can do about it just yet. you know i know how you feel about emerging from psychoses. looking back, i don’t know how i fell for any one of them to be honest. especially the telepathic attack from strangers, friends, family and psychiatric staff. i mean, as if they would all be against me. it’s just ridiculous to me now. makes me wonder if somehow the fear aspect was misplaced or a memory attatched to a different idea? sounds odd i know but i’ve been through some heavy ■■■■ in the distant and recent past and i wonder if it wasn’t those fears coming out then, with voices leading it because most all of my psychoses have been voice lead and i can’t really believe i fell for them to be honest. it’s an interesting idea, something to study…how to make someone lose touch with reality. it would take a lot of pain i feel, especially to keep it going for months on end. i don’t really understand how it’s possible but then i don’t know a whole lot about the psychology of losing one’s marbles to be honest. all i know is, it would take a whole lot more than just voices for it to happen again. it’s very odd though, i’ll give them that. xxx