So I’m in a very scary predicament. I’ll be very vague about my delusions. But let’s just say science hasn’t proven my ideas wrong…yet. That said, I feel as though that gives them credence. These ideas terrorize me and will do anything to get to me. They will go for the people that want to help me. I can’t help but feel like something very bad is going to happen soon. I keep getting the feeling that it will be to my therapist. I think I shouldn’t see her anymore even though she’s helped me SO much. I’m afraid to tell her. They want to hurt her son. That scares the ■■■■ out of me. I couldn’t bare to know that I brought something like that onto someone else’s family, when all she’s ever done is help. I’ve been considering inpatient for quite some time now, and this is my breaking point. I can’t be the cause of something happening to her child. Her child! It REALLY makes me want to stop seeing her so nothing bad happens, but she’s the only one that has helped me with this. I feel like I have a trust built with her that I’ve not built with anyone else not do I want to. But I couldn’t bare it. I absolutely cannot tell her. I can feel that she’s beginning to feel fearful about what I tell her. I don’t want them to hurt her or her family.
Posting because I can’t stop thinking about it. Beginning to panic.
Hey, @Brittany, this sounds both frightening and frustrating. I’m so sorry that you have to deal with it.
Why is it that you’re reluctant to share what your delusions are? You might find someone here who has dealt with something similar and might be able to help talk you through it.
In any case, it’s good that you’re still able to recognize whatever it is as a delusion. I know that doesn’t help much with your fear and unhappiness, but it’s good - keep reminding yourself of it.
You’ve got a frightening, serious illness, and it will cause you to think and believe things that are wrong and upsetting. It’s not your fault, but it might make you feel like you need to do things that aren’t in your best interest, like giving up your therapist.
From reading your posts lately, I think you should listen to your doctors and go inpatient while you get your treatment sorted. It will let you focus solely on getting better. Take care of you
@Rhubot It’s so very frightening. Thank you for listening.
I don’t share my delusions because I think it would be triggering to lots of people. It would probably be removed pretty quickly.
On good days, I realize that they’re delusions. Most days I’m forced to believe them. I use the term loosely.
The reason why I believe them so whole heartedly is because they are real to people who do not have this illness also. There are well people who dedicate their lives to it and some people who dabble in it and it changes their lives forever. It’s not been proven nonexistent to the typicals. The dilemma comes with the idea that if this stuff is real, they want me to think I am mentally ill even though I am not. They convince other people of it. But in reality they’re getting just what they want by making me weak enough to become susceptible to them. It’s already started.
I am still so torn on the whole inpatient thing. It really really scares me. I won’t have anything to go off of but blind trust. As someone who sees a lot, I don’t do well with blind anything. The logical thing to do would be to adit myself, you’re right, I’ve just got to build courage.
Also thank you for taking the time to read my other posts. It makes me feel like I can actually trust people here. I can share almost everything here and not be judged, only given helpful advice or and ear to listen. It helps dramatically.
Am I right in understanding that your biggest concern is that it will become involuntary? Because if that’s it, it will only become involuntary if you’re a danger to yourself or others. If you’re not sure about that, then google and read about how few hospital beds are available, how families can’t get their loved ones proper care, how people feel they’re released before they’re ready. Your doctors have no interest in keeping you a moment longer than it takes to get you stabilized.
I’ve seen several people here post about how they check themselves in if they have to change meds. It’s just precautionary. You’ll be okay.
About your fears - it’s okay to talk about them. This subforum is meant for reality testing. I’m glad that you’re so considerate about the other members, and definitely put a trigger warning at the beginning of your post if you feel it’s necessary. But this place exists so we can help each other with delusions. Don’t be afraid to use it that way.
Life is not as simple as just your thinking, it is not you controlling what is happening with your thoughts, this has been proven to me time and time again. Your thinking does not account for reality, life is much more intelligent. The child is safe. The child has it’s own intelligence that is separate from yours and is not in the least bit touched by your thoughts of harm.
Books like “the secret” do not help us people who are experiencing life in this way.
Do a test, test to see if you have telepathy. Ask someone if you can test them to see if they can feel what you’re thinking.
If they agree, think all the darkest thoughts you can about them. Then ask them if they feel anything. I guarantee they won’t feel a thing.
From my experience, what causes us to think in this way is that we experience intense emotions like fear and anger in the body and we need a way to release them safely but we haven’t been taught how.
I find that expressing emotions in an artistic, creative way gives you the freedom to play with the full spectrum of emotions safely, in a socially acceptable way and this may help as a catharsis.
@RhubotMy I’ve got two big fears and one little fear about inpatient. The little one is that I will be in a hospital (which I don’t like period) instead of a place that specializes it. And my two big fears are that, once I get there I’ll become nervous and act so incredibly typical (lie to them) they won’t believe that I need help and will dismiss me. The other big one I have is, if I find meds that “work” and what I’m seeing is 100% real. I won’t be able to see them on medication and I won’t be able to protect myself. Those are my main fears. It’s a lose-lose issue.
TRIGGER WARNING (religion)
My fears revolve around the devil and things like black magic. I’m pretty sure someone opened a door for them to come through in my house and now they’re tormenting me. People who are not sz, believe in that stuff. And demons will do absolutely anything, they will stoop to any low, to get to someone. Even attacking a child if they know it will hurt me. People dabble in black magic, witch craft, voodoo, whatever and they all have the ability to place curses or dark forces on someone. That’s why I can’t not believe it because it’s actually real. People do this stuff. I just don’t know if it’s the sz that’s making things worse or if it has nothing to do with sz.
Thank you @lolaby, The reassurance about the child are very very very helpful.
I should probably also mention that, it’s not so much that I think people know what I’m thinking, so far I’ve only had to share my headspace with the voices. It’s more like me fearing that I’m projecting what I fear onto others. Because putting someone else’s family in danger scares me so much that its going to happen. I hope that makes sense.
I can also really get with that “haven’t been taught to release pent up emotion” notion. It’s most likely true in my case. I am an artist by nature, so drawing is very relaxing to me. I see that as a good way to release the fear. Lately I’ve not been drawing, only of the scary things I sometimes see. I probably shouldn’t draw those any more. I’m really glad you mentioned art though, it’s one of the few things that make me honestly happy. I don’t trust myself with scissors so crafting is out of the question, but I can still draw and paint. Thank you:purple_heart:
This is right on par. Now I just have to figure out a way to bring it up in therapy with out scaring her sh*tless and ruining our client-therapist relationship.
She is not a psychiatrist so I think sometimes she doesn’t know how to react to what I say. When I finally told her about what I see she said verbatim “I totally believe in that stuff”. Now I’m concerned that she will be influenced by what I say. She asked if I see them here (in her office) and I told her that they follow me and therefore yes. There was a super long pause. I could see her physically getting uncomfortable. I could see that answer scared her. I really don’t want to ruin this because she’s easily the best therapist I’ve had. But I know that once a therapist feels like a client is hitting too close to home they will defer them in an instant. I wish I never knew she had kids. I’m supposed to see a psychiatrist soon, if the paperwork gets settled. Maybe I should not tell anyone until I can see the psychiatrist, that way no relationship is ruined, no harm is done. But who knows when they will get through the red tape on that one. I’m babbling now. Sorry guys. I’m done.
@everhopeful She’s been trying to get me to see a psychiatrist for quite some time now. At the beginning I didn’t think it was necessary so I declined, not realizing that if things got worse she wouldn’t really be qualified to help me as much as I need. Now that I’ve finally agreed to see someone, I feel like I’ve stuck my issues on her because the paperwork is taking forever and she doesn’t want to leave me without a professional to talk to. My insurance has to cover it. I think thats the issue.
It’s good that you’re going to see one (a psychiatrist) , as things can get much worse. I ended up thinking I couldn’t die, and was hours away from putting the theory to the test. I was picked up by the police and hospitalised.
You sound like you’re having a graceful landing instead.
You can still see the therapist after seeing the psychiatrist.
I wished I’d never asked if my psychiatrist had children, too. I think there was jealousy behind it. I never recognize it as jealousy of loved children until the feeling has passed. It is really gripping at the time. My provider here at the home has a granddaughter who is happy and healthy and it’s all I can do to not have a screaming fit when she comes. And, of course, it’s just me being a lonely, cranky old lady.
If it is demons you can rest easy about them hurting other people. The only way they have power is if you give it to them. That means the only way the child can be affected is if the child allows it. And if you find a medication that takes it away then it’s not demons and you don’t have to worry. I think it’s better to go ahead and try.
Hey Britney, I’m a 24 year old mother and I lurk this forum but just made an account because I needed to ask you something since I’ve been reading things you’re saying here and you sound exactly like me. Can someone tell me how I can private message her?