Feeling of shame

I was sitting in the doctor’s office earlier this week and while going through the sheets with all my bloodwork, ultrasounds, brain scans and other data, I found myself sitting there staring at my medical history for a while
Where it said

  • Schizophrenia
  • Self harm

among others… and I’m not sure why I felt so guilty looking at that. I used to self injure while psychotic and even knowing that sz is what caused it, it suddenly felt like, in-my-face, SELF-harm. YOU did this, it seemed to say.
Plus I’ve had sz since age 12 and I had a small crisis in my head about never being able to be an adult without it. I’m usually very Mad Pride for that reason but this time it just got to me. I’m not sure why. Shrug. I’ll get over it, just felt like sharing.

Yeah, when my doc showed me my medical chart for the first time3 or 4 years after I was diagnosed, it said “Paranoid schizophrenia” in bold black letters. It freaked me out for a few seconds but I got over it and I went back to smoking my crack or driving my roommate crazy or skulking around downtown or whatever the heck I was doing 30 years ago when I was in my twenties.

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It’s a word with weight to it, that is for sure…

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Yeah, it sure is.

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