Maybe I am just lying about everything. Maybe I don’t have sz despite all the psychiatrists saying so. I don’t know - was I ever psychotic? I told the pdoc one day that I had thoughts inserted in my head from an alien source thoughts that were not mine, and he said he doesn’t think I am psychotic. Then what the hell is psychotic??? If I wasn’t psychotic then I don’t probably have sz maybe I am just pretending my illness, is it real or not? I feel dead and unmotivated and want to cut myself but isn’t it all put on for show? My voices are internal thoughts, maybe even my own but they don’t seem like mine. I’m confused - am I sick? I have a long psychiatric history been on numerous meds, been mentally ill since I was 13, been in hospital six times, but maybe it was all a lie. I must be the Great Pretender the voice was telling me. Maybe the voices were pretended too. I must stop all this nonsense and pull myself together… Otherwise I deserve bad things.
Saadiqah, do you think you can go to a doctor? It sounds like you are overwhelmed and it is causing you to be symptomatic. You possibly need a medication change - the sooner, the better
An alien source yes, im not saying aliens, just that it’s from the outside somewhere.
Although i did see what they call an alien once, the first few minutes of having my mind butchered by them.
Started looking at the clock at three over and over again, smelled the sulfur to.
I never really pretended anything, just knew i wasn’t sick, although they do have a pill for our mind’s being invaded now.
You do not deserve bad things. It’s hard to believe one’s own mind can be in such pain and confusioin. I never fully accepted my Sz. Who would want to own up to that. But another thing, we didn’t get put in hospital for no reason at all. It wasn’t that our loved ones or families were bored and decided… hey you know what… let’s put our family in the hospital. We were hospitalized for a very real reason.
Your fighting your voices and it takes a lot of work. But your still fighting and I keep rooting for you. But talk to your doc about the voices and the lack of feelings and the confusion. Get it out there. He won’t know how to help you if you don’t let him know the symptoms.
Physical doctors SOMETIMES have it easier because they can see… Oh, that gash in you arm is bleeding
Or… Oh, fingers and toes aren’t supposed to look like that. They have a bit more to go on.
But our Pdoc just has to go by our word and any small physical traits we might or might not exhibit.
Talk to your husband and maybe have him go to the pdoc with you. Make your healing a joint effort so it’s not all on you. It’s hard to open up sometimes. But see if this is something your husband would be willing to do.
Good luck. I hope you feel better.
I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. I used to wonder if I was making up my illness but when I had ECT and it all went away I knew I was truly sick. I used to cut myself too. Please don’t do it. I know it’s a release but the scars aren’t worth it. One time I was in a disassociated state and cut to come out of it. I ended up cutting way too deep and the hospital wasn’t sure if they would have to send me to another hospital or not. You may think you’re in control but there’s always that chance that you’ll really hurt yourself. Talk to your pdoc and get your meds adjusted. Good luck to you.