Schizophrenia.com

Feeling as if the entire world is against me

When i was in the hospital, totally ill and under all sort of delusions, i had this feeling as if everybody is against me. They were all ignoring me violently. When you talk to them, they dont respond or make facial expressions of disgust and distanced themselves from me. This was a new experience, to live with such rejection for 2 months. I was never liked by anybody in life except for 2 girls, but it was nothing serious and never a relationship. Now since ive turned 20 the girls never talked much with me and never made the first step to get to know me it was always me coming to them and 95% of the time they continued to ignore me no matter how much i tried to be a friendly guy. i never demanded anything from them and usually behave somewhat different than like on this forum(more friendly and understanding). but this rejection is quite annoying, you get totally socially isolated from it. i cant change myself not even for females to like me. so either these 4 years of no female contact are going to remain and im going to live my life as a loner or some miracle happens and they suddenly will understand me. still getting often those frowning and disgusted face from people, just like when i was delusional, but it has become less frequent. today i had the encounter with these 2 JW missionaries and they were very friendly and i liked to talk about their topics because i am also fascinated by religion. but with the average “secular” girl(80% of germany) i cant connect at all. its like we live in different worlds. Man i know im not a good looking guy and have only little to offer to them but for some reasons they were drawn to me when i was younger than 20 now they are either disgusted(atleast i get this impression) or ignore me to death. Not any better with men they also think differently and its hard to understand what excites them to talk about. I kinda had a “connection” to peoples feelings in my teens, now i just say what i think and most of the time people cant relate unless its a topic they are familiar with. its like people dont understand me or dont want to understand me. Even on the forums i get banned left and right on several sites and get ignored because i dont say the right words.

Well, there goes my rant. Why i am sharing this i dont know since most of you wont relate.

I can relate to the feeling that everyone is against me, doing acts to harass me when out in public, at home the break things and take things to annoy me for annoying them.
Can’t win.
The only good days is when I do things the same for a while, then I zig when they zag, and zag when they zig.
Some days it don’t pay to get out of bed.
All things shiny captain,
don’t fret, nor believe all that is shiny.
Take care, your not solo in your misery,
I’m in the same boat too.

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Maybe if you made some adjustments you might have more success socializing. It seems to me that you’re weighed down with expectations that don’t really fit in social situations. You might be a little needy. Try to take it easy. That might help.

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If you want to change you can. Your approach is often aggressive and that alienates people.

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Hmm interesting. Yeah i kinda see something there. But one has to do the first step or otherwise it doesnt go the direction you want it to go? Is it impatience? Also thanks for your thoughts and feed back. One(or atleast me) doesnt get this at all in and after social encounters and is left in the dark.

Well you are kind of setting yourself up for failure. No miracle is going to happen unless you choose to change. Denying your ability to change could very likely make this situation permanent. Either that or you are misinterpreting the signals you get from other people IRL and they don’t dislike you. (Because if everyone seems to be reacting in the same disapproving way it’s either you misinterpreting people or you behaving in a way people don’t like.)

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Its strange. When i was young the world was so open and people were inviting. Now its rejection or ignoring. Honestly i havent felt ‘peace’ or a sense of ‘community’, where people understand eachother, in a long time. And i cant change because once youve gained this knowledge about reality(like in my 20-22’s) and later about god(during my sz episode) and so on its completely impossible to become ignorant of it. only a lobotomy could do it. Its like whenever people only see you, whether online or in RL, they grow cold and violently distant even changing their tone of voice (sometimes its like they are getting some sort of pleasure from it). Or is it just how i speak or write? Is the sentence structure repulsive to them? You’ll never know when youre walking in my shoes.

I’m sorry for the honesty, but I think you’re projecting. People here tried to be nice to you, but you continuosly was aggressive and cold hearted. I think you’re trying to make us feel sorry for you, when indeed what you need is to see your own input, not others reactions. You’re no victim danddolo. I’m sorry you have sz, I’m sorry for your feeling of displacement. But can’t be sorry for your personality since you keep getting banned for being violent towards others.

Hope you don’t take this the wrong way, it’s just how I see it.

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Na its cool. I dont like being the victim actually its not in my nature for the last 4 years (perhaps thats one of the reasons for the rejection) i only made this thread to get a feed back. Also alot of the people reject me(like 50%) before i even open my mouth. During my time in the hospital it was like 99% rejection from all people. there was 1 exception, only one, he was a really funny cool guy in his 30’s and i had a lot of fun with him. An expert on the bible (he even tried to study it in the old greek and latin language on his own) and ridiculiously funny. but later, i believe, he was also tired of hanging around with me and left the hospital (whether it was because of me or i dont even know). So yeah… thats my life.

Well I’m sorry things are like that for you. Maybe a change in your attitude towards it might help.
How’s the med-free life going?

Cant complain. apart from the single life, the voices dont make it easier for me being single, its pretty fine. although i have almost always only few euros on my bank account. mainly because i spend it on silly things such as decorational statues and whatnot. the voices are either 1) insulting 2) repetetively annoying about ridiculing me 3) talk about some sort of future sexual acts, which are very, how should i put it, hardcore. (i didnt even care about it that much before the voices) they also talk about some sort of virgin girl (also i didnt care about having a virgin), the voices even spoke to me in her voice, which was really amazing voice i havent heard before. but thank goodness i am hearing them less. if things progress as they have progressed now ill probably stop hearing them by november for good.

How about you? Hows your life?

Oh, voices suck, don’t listen to them. You’re probably better off if you just discard what they say. Giving meaning to stuff is just our minds playing tricks on us, we don’t actually know the truths out there.

My life is cool. Starting classes soon, been going to drivers license school, going better than expected. Less anxiety, less paranoia, less delusional thinking, I’m pretty happy with myself now. Just a few days of depression, but that’s a given, I’m used to it.

How many lessons until you can do the theoretical test? Or are you already ready for practical test?

about 20 lessons for the theoretical. I’m taking it slow.

Yeah taking it slow is the best. I failed the 1st theoretical test by one or two points, because i didnt take it slow. But then after 4 more lessons i passed. The practical test was alot easier. passed on 1st try with ease. how many lessons have you taken this far? is it more fun for you to do practical driving or theoretical learning?

I don’t know, haven’t done any actual driving yet. Looking forward to it, I think I’ll do good.

What? I think the teacher made me drive his car after like 1 or 2 lessons. I was really scared of controlling the car, even though it was in a 30km zone, and after having taken the drivers seat i lost any sense of understanding i just did some things i felt, with my gut, were right. but it was all gone after 3 driving lessons.

I can only drive after I’ve done some simulator classes and I haven’t done enough theoritical classes yet to go to the simulator.

Wow thats amazing. The driver i was taking classes under basically forced me to do the first driving lesson. I didnt even come to the building where we were supposed to meet, because i didnt feel ready yet, so i stayed at home. and you know what he did? he drove to my house, called my phone and said: i am here, do the lesson now! we didnt have driving simulators, we learned to drive at the same time went to school.

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