When i was in the hospital, totally ill and under all sort of delusions, i had this feeling as if everybody is against me. They were all ignoring me violently. When you talk to them, they dont respond or make facial expressions of disgust and distanced themselves from me. This was a new experience, to live with such rejection for 2 months. I was never liked by anybody in life except for 2 girls, but it was nothing serious and never a relationship. Now since ive turned 20 the girls never talked much with me and never made the first step to get to know me it was always me coming to them and 95% of the time they continued to ignore me no matter how much i tried to be a friendly guy. i never demanded anything from them and usually behave somewhat different than like on this forum(more friendly and understanding). but this rejection is quite annoying, you get totally socially isolated from it. i cant change myself not even for females to like me. so either these 4 years of no female contact are going to remain and im going to live my life as a loner or some miracle happens and they suddenly will understand me. still getting often those frowning and disgusted face from people, just like when i was delusional, but it has become less frequent. today i had the encounter with these 2 JW missionaries and they were very friendly and i liked to talk about their topics because i am also fascinated by religion. but with the average “secular” girl(80% of germany) i cant connect at all. its like we live in different worlds. Man i know im not a good looking guy and have only little to offer to them but for some reasons they were drawn to me when i was younger than 20 now they are either disgusted(atleast i get this impression) or ignore me to death. Not any better with men they also think differently and its hard to understand what excites them to talk about. I kinda had a “connection” to peoples feelings in my teens, now i just say what i think and most of the time people cant relate unless its a topic they are familiar with. its like people dont understand me or dont want to understand me. Even on the forums i get banned left and right on several sites and get ignored because i dont say the right words.
Well, there goes my rant. Why i am sharing this i dont know since most of you wont relate.