Fear is a hell of a drug. At night is when it is the strongest. If I hear something or feel something strange I get this sudden rush of adrenaline and it is a natural high. I’ve come to love this strange occurrence. I’ve had no choice but to do so or go crazy. It’s a high that I can’t reproduce with drugs or alcohol. I may be crazy but I do so love it. The nighttime is more fun even though it can be torment. I can go through hell at night but I come out of it a better person and stronger because of it. I lived fir 7 years unmedicated and those nights fueled the flames of motivation to survive and kick ass in life more so than any other. Failure has never been an option. Giving in to this illness does not happen.
There’s natural fear and unnatural fear. Unnatural is being afraid when nothing is going on, when nothing is happening it’s all in your head. Natural fear is possibility of physical danger or actual danger. I find that both suck but SOMETIMES natural fear is good. The anticipation of a challenge like playing sports or doing a different task at work. When I used to play tackle football on weekends with my friends, I always wanted the football on the opening kick-off.I always wanted to receive the first kick-off. But there was that natural fear of messing up, or dropping it. Or the fear of being tackled for the first time, knowing I’m going to get hit. The adrenaline ramped up. But when I got the ball and got that first hit I always relaxed and just enjoyed the rest of the game. There was heightened awareness but no crippling fear. THAT was natural fear.
I played football for 10 years. I was always the smallest guy on the team but I was highly aggressive. I had no fear when I wore the pads. I craved hitting and getting hit. I would go after the biggest guy on the field and never thought twice about it. The illness hit me when I was 13 and football became my outlet. I think I would have gone crazy if it wasn’t for that great sport. I was almost too small to play but I put a hurting on anyone that stepped up to me. I was animal uncaged and loved it.
My non-delusional self is not a fan of night. There was a natural high, and I can definitely understand that as a break from the day time chaos. I personally felt semi-psychotic at night when I think back on it. and in a more animalistic state… Non caring… Just action… But I think it furthered sz… manifold.
I now sleep at 10. Every night, non medicated. The first time I did this and kept with it I felt a natural click. This was aided by vitamin and amino acid supplements.
I’m happy to say my brain also clicked into a mostly non-deluded state. This includes a lot more outward thinking.
But I’ve gained auditory. In the day time I hear music and repeats of what ppl said. Not in the usual in-the-back-of-my-mind kind of thing. It’s LOUD. and it didn’t stop at all. I know this could turn into something bad but in the mean time I enjoy the music.
However, at night, the music turns into something horrible… If I stay up past 10 or 11 it starts… Last night it was a baby crying. For hours I listened to it… Like it was real. It sounded real. Blood curdling real. And LOUD. But a little ways off. It started screaming then a woman was also screaming… Then she was lunging at me. It’s all laughable at this point, but I know it’s my brain giving warning signs. So yeah. I don’t like the night. And I don’t like upsetting natural sleep rhythm. Many hormones get thrown off this way.