I’ve heard of fawning and unfortunately reading about it for some reason has my nervous system on fire.
I mean why wouldn’t it be? If you fear that conflict is going to be a danger to you in some way, why would you risk it?
As it is, when I air my actual opinions about issues it feels subtly and over time like the floor is being swept from under my feet.
We live in an information age and the power of the word is very dangerous. But what’s worse is when people in power positions exploit that power and make you feel as if you can’t disagree with them. Especially if you can’t even call out even minor offenses because they will use the power of information to manipulate what people see about you and effectively cut off your support.
In reality we are in a war of information and power dynamics.
Anyway, it’s pretty vague but I felt somewhat better after having come forward (not fawning) about what I saw and felt in a popular Spiritual influencer , Matt Kahn. It’s rare to see anyone do it, but someone actually called him out for what I saw too:
“The most polished covert narcissist…”.
Anyway rather than touch on that too much… I wanted to point out the interesting thing I noticed about synonyms related to fawning after listing some:
- [bootlicking]
- [bowing]
- [cowering]
- [crawling]
- [cringing]
- [humble]
- [ingratiating]
- [kowtowing]
- [prostrate]
- [scraping]
- [sniveling]
What’s interesting is the top of the list the term “bootlicking” and it’s a term I’ve been using recently after having learned of it on forums elsewhere and realized it’s appropriate for where I stand in relation to world issues.
Which is nice on the one hand because now I can just speak up about the issues I want to talk about in other places.
I can respect not riling up the issues here though because I’ve come to really see mental illness and the brain radically different after hearing about certain issues with the brain and how it affects mental health and physical health. And riling up people’s nervous system who are neuro-divergent is not an appropriate thing.
I know I made a post some time ago about meds and have been against them, but I realize I was too judgmental and self righteous (or whatever the word is) about their use. And after more information has surfaced recently from another source that shared these views after coming to terms with my own mental health struggles? Wow. That hurt and really set me back from recovering.
But I’ve also been stricken very sickly with another issue which I’ve not spoken about because the pain is just so intense - especially when I’m already struggling in so many other ways and physically in a lot of pain - and it’s been wearing me down mentally because of fear of speaking up about it. Maybe when I get the courage I’ll do that.
I’ve also been seriously mind screwed lately after having dealt with harsh (false) words and have been struggling to get some footing to say anything back. And in particular I’ve been so mind screwed now that I sincerely want to experience dissociative amnesia or just straight up amnesia forgetting who I am entirely.
In particular it’s the issue of a case in which someone who was gay suddenly became straight after a stroke because it altered his brain.
I believe that man himself also has felt pretty horrible about it too.
Isn’t that strange?
But more than that , it’s clear to me that certain individuals will use that information maliciously which makes me even more sick all over.
And when you hear there are people within the therapy field who also believe “your sexuality is only because of trauma” ? And people have the audacity to tell you to “jUSt GeT ThERaPy” without realizing that there are seriously screwed up people in that profession and it is not even recommended for everyone.
It does carry the risk of traumatizing people more or just making them worse. I’ve seen it and heard the stories. It’s even a disclaimer of therapy itself! And of course not to mention it’s not even affordable for everyone either as well as it taking time to find a decent one (which means more $$).
And this is what I actually believe in. The evidence of it working long term and the positive impact it tends to have is undeniable.
But as it is I don’t know how much good it would do me now. Because my desire for dissociative amnesia/amnesia is stronger.
Only thing keeping me going is coping with food and letting my opinions be known in spaces where I feel I can safely share them. The support in other areas is nice but the intense pain and distress itself is not at all screaming in my mind “this is acceptable”.
No one has the right to tell us otherwise. I used to think like that too. But now I feel no one has a right to treat you poorly for how you live because of your pain or troubles in life.
