So, my husband and I just watched a play called “Every Brilliant Thing” It was very good and really well performed by an actor named Johnny Donahoe.
It’s the account (fictional unfortunately) of a man whose mother suffered chronic depression and tried to commit suicide at various times throughout this man’s childhood. He starts a list as a child of brilliant things/reasons to live for his mother.
At first I was really touched and, as someone who has struggled with depression and suicidal ideation my entire teen and adult life, I was charmed by the simple joys of life that the list entails. And I was ashamed as someone who has raised a son while struggling…
But by the end of the play, and at 100,000 brilliant things on this list, I was empty and disappointed and upset. I felt the play’s message was that if only we could think about happy things we wouldn’t consider suicide. And that of course isn’t true.
When I’m depressed and imagining suicide, a beautiful sunrise just isolated me further because I just don’t care. I could think of my cat purring and not care if I ever hear it again. I think even of my husband and my son and am convinced they’d both be better off without me.
Depression is such that nothing will make me happy…Suicidal ideation is a craving for the end of all sunrises and warm-fuzzies. There is no list that would make me want to stay here.
I’m here because God said “no” when I asked Him if He would accept me into Heaven when I ended my body’s life here.
2 Likes
Perhaps the message of the Play was to try to ‘recognize’ the simple beauties of life…
Sometimes we get so caught up in sadness, we forget the little things. Like how much I enjoy your contributions to this forum…your writing style…the way you always express yourself unabashedly.
2 Likes
Thank you, @Patrick. I think what I’m trying to say is that I honestly enjoy all the little things, and am even blessed with big things, like my son and my husband, but I’m still convinced that the next place is better and there are times when nothing can convince me otherwise… I haven’t forgotten or missed anything. My psyche is just drawn elsewhere.
Your comments are really kind. Thanks again. 
3 Likes