I want to be as psychotic as I was a couple of years ago, as a form of escape. Things are hard. Situational depression is awful, without having resources to change my surroundings, it’s going to be a struggle to get out. I miss being completely preoccupied with my mind, and not being bored of it. Voices don’t even intrigue me anymore. Visuals are just the same ol sht I’ve been seeing. Tactiles are my only comfort and even those are whatever.
Dealing with a narcissist takes all of my effort. Constantly wrong about everything. Learning how to manipulate him, out of necessity. A tactic I’ve never tried before, and is amazingly easy and effective. He’s right about everything, so I won’t be homeless. I don’t understand it, but it works. People are easily fooled, and it’s sad. This is the first time I’ve been able to get along with him, and only because I lie and make him feel important. Rather be honest, but the cost is too great.
I don’t understand people who can’t accept criticism, or don’t know how to appreciate a mistake. How can someone put so much effort into criticizing every little thing, then praise themselves, when their life is a cluster fck, I don’t get it.
Working is difficult, but not bc of sz, at least. There are bigger monsters out there.
When your livelihood is on the line, yeah, you do what you have to. Learning how to keep my mouth shut and just go with it to keep a roof over my head and my stomach full. But sure, I’m bad.
Lying about what you think is hardly a deception. Of course when you are making an effort to control someone unreasonable that kind of manipulation is common enough. But the title topic escapism is interesting to me because when someone presents a version of themselves or thoughts that differs from their internal world, just being themself in their own thoughts is an escapism from the reality they are presenting and making social. I am like this everyday at work where i present hardworking and company man when really the way i really am would have put me out the door day one. But i can still escape to my real self who is critical and transcendent of reality mostly. Its possible i might get in too deep to my necessary deception and there will be no escape however.
why be a different person around certain people or situations.
used to get on my daughter about that.
Be the same person.
a co-worker one time said I was wrong,
you’re different around your friends.
I guess
I’m fond enough of who I am to find some internal escape, but I struggle with not finding a fit in the external world. It’s difficult to realize however capable I am mentally, expressing it externally in a way which is meaningful to others, and contributes to my well being, is lost to me. Yeah I’m great, but it effectively has no impact outside of my skull.
This manipulation I’m trying, who I was told by a friend to do, given NPD in this particular individual, is new to me. I’d never have thought to do it on my own, I operate in best known facts. But I’m realizing people want to be lied to. They want, and sometimes they need to be right, no matter how dishonest. It greatly bothers me. I can’t stand being around people who don’t make sense. Not being able to express this simple truth is imprisoning, and I wish I didn’t think people should be told the truth. I wish I was better at letting them get away with being wrong.
When I was younger and dated women I was never my true self, I just endured to keep the relationship going so I could say in my thoughts that I’m in a good relationship. I was a carbon copy of every rom com movie I ever watched with a lot of my ideas coming from people and relationship advice on the internet. Not too long ago I thought about my own needs and compromise and said to myself I’m doing what I feel is right, if a relationship is bad that’s fine, I’ll ride it out and try to compromise otherwise I’m out. Uhm, I did date a stripper once and a lot of that work is fulfilling mens fantasies for money. I see nothing wrong with that if both parties involved are getting what they want. If you get what you partially want and this guy gets his own way all of the time it’s not the end of the world. There are a lot of relationships that work off ulterior motives. Every 13 seconds in America is a divorce. You know how many guys lose their jobs and their wife leaves them? Lots. Next I would likely talk about self worth and relationships but I’ve stayed in relationships just to anticipate sex, not even have sex just anticipating sex. You have to have a low self worth to ride out a relationship just for the anticipation of sex. When I turned 30 every woman I dated wouldn’t have sex with me only if I married them. After awhile I got sick of the mind games. Now that I’m 41 and have been beaten around I’m not scared anymore of marriage. Long story short we’re all hypocrites when we leave this life.
well, around here it’s common for a married man to get it on with a female co-worker, gets divorced, marries the co-worker, and he never loses his job, so I don’t know what you mean.
Exactly what I’m trying, and having, to learn. It’s uncomfortable, and I hate all the things I have to do, but it’s a means to a maybe better end. It’s hard being stripped of my better self to do it tho. Having to allow myself to be mistreated and abused is difficult, but temporary. Theres satisfaction in showing off his weaknesses tho, all without him knowing. I have that.
I’m able to work with my hands more, which has been nice. I like ending the day being covered in oil. It’s been therapeutic. I never want to spend my days stuck behind a computer for a living again.