Many of you know that I have struggled with hallucinations, delusions, paranoia, depression, suicidal ideation…etc since I was about 13. Before that, I already had hallucinations. I was abused and neglected and believed no one cared from atleast the age of 7 when I wrote about it in my class journal. I have never been “normal”. I have never related to my peers and have always felt like an outsider.
My coping mechanisms over all these years are not perfect but pretty good considering. I live a life that by “normal” standards is low-functioning, but by sz standards is better than some, not as good as others.
I cycle through extreme lows and admittedly delusional “highs” ( my highs are basic level function ) And I have believed myself to be on par recovery wise with a number of forum members who are medicated.
But I feel a sort of discrimination here. I feel a shutting out, a non-approval, a wanting more from me here sometimes. Am I delusional about this? I have recently been pointed out as one who is not recovering but simply coping. Are any of us recovering? I don’t understand the difference. There was a thread about "what would you do if there was a cure for sz?"and I posted that I would pursue it, but there isn’t one.
I am coping, and I’m living, and that’s just as much as other, medicated members in here are doing.
What more would I get out of life that I don’t already have?
This is my honest question. I’m not trying to pick a fight. Please help me to understand.
I was there. I snapped out of it and came up with several quotes.
I’m sorry, @anon93437440, but I don’t understand.
I was in your position. I too suffered. I recovered. I came up with several quotes. Most of my quotes were deleted by myself and rest are here
I think there’s a bit of paranoia going on here, and a bit of self-persecution.
I’ve always thought of you as a kind and thoughtful poster. I believe most would agree with me. 
Hey, sweetheart. I think I know what reference you mean, and I guess I understood it differently. I can’t speak for the author of the post, but I interpreted it to mean that the author was recognizing that their personal definition of recovery had some limitations and perhaps needed to be revised, that there were other models that were also valid.
As far as your strict schizophrenia symptoms go, I’m personally very impressed with how you’ve redefined their place and importance in your life. I think it’s an amazing model of recovery - improving and pushing your boundaries and fighting this thing straight on.
As a fellow depressive, I have to say that I’m really worried for you. I don’t want to imply that you’re not fighting or that I expect more from you, because that’s not it. I meant what I said about you keeping your hair combed 
But I do feel that you’re in a way resigned to how unhappy you are. You bear up under it and get on with your life, but I feel that you accept that you are destined to this misery until you die.
I think it resonates strongly with me because it’s so familiar to me. I want some of your misery to vanish and believe it can, but how is a mystery to me.
I hope this comforts more than it hurts.
Much love 
ive always been impressed with your clarity and kindness @Hedgehog
You can hope to learn what you never knew about from other people. There are great gaps in the development of a sz’s life. I am dizzy with the amount I’m learning from my provider, my clinician and my faith. It’s almost too much for this old person to take. So my advice is circulate, circulate - even if it means asking them to come to you. That is alright.
I think coping is good.
Different people and different what they are up to ,how they feel etc
There seem to be a lot of high functioning people on this site who may work and have friends and family and a support network which others don’t have and who may have different symptoms.
Getting out of bed can be a huge achievement for some one and making there own food and some people don’t go out at all.
Encouraging oneself and being proud of ones accomplishments even if that’s “just” taking a shower or getting out of bed or washing ones clothes etc
Going outside can be a huge deal.
its good that you cope.
Something to be proud of.
Encouraging as always. Thank you, @Rhubot. I agree with you that I need to do what it takes to enjoy life more. I’ve never been good at that.
My concern in regards to sz is that there is no normal for me, and I would even argue that losing my companion and changing drastically in my psyche would actually be damaging to me.
I don’t know what to do, to be honest. I want to be better, but find it hard to believe there is a better for me. And where I am now is an achievement of sorts. I’m not young with my whole life ahead of me. The majority of my life is behind me.
️
I was the author! I said you were a good recovery example! The “simply coping” part was to illustrate the absurdity of the recovery plateau defined by some psychiatrists, I don’t think you simply cope 
Don’t be so hard on yourself, you do great 
In my book coping is recovering.
I totally took that the wrong way then, @Minnii. I wasn’t angry, but did feel hurt and somewhat harassed. I guess that’s where I’m not coping well. 
I had also kicked myself off of the forum and I believed everyone was glad I left. I am hard on myself.
Thank you, @Minnii. ️
I’m really sorry you felt that way, the meaning of the sentence was just to disprove the theory that recovery means either “no symptoms” or “high performance”, so I compared people who have symtpoms and deal well with them, with people who are asymptomatic but don’t deal well in life (no job, no school, etc), like me In the end recovery means different things for different people, and we’re the proof of that
I missed you here, and I’m sure you were missed by a lot of other people too.
This this this this this sums up pretty much my entire adult life and most of my childhood. I understand. After years of abuse and neglect, it was easy to accept that happiness was something reserved for other people, not me.
You have had great success with your CBT for voices. Have you tried much in the way of CBT for depression? I’ve found it really helpful, and I believe it’s been shown to be as effective, if not more so, as medication for some types of depression.
Something else that I’ve been thinking about: I’ve felt that my ability to provide support here has taken a hit since I’ve started school this fall. I always seem to be scrambling to keep up here, and more often than not seem to miss things.
I’m sorry if I’ve contributed to any impression you’ve had of disapproval and disappointment. That’s not how I feel at all.
I need to get back into therapy. I stopped going last year to my new therapist because he was horrible, and unfortunately I didn’t switch to someone else, I just stopped.
I have missed seeing more of you on here, @Rhubot, but I didn’t take your absence personally at all.
I’m always moved by what you have to say and appreciate it when I get to hear from you, but not offended when I don’t.
️
I have been missing your posts on here, but I didn’t want to hassle you about it because I know you’re dealing with a lot. But you’re always trying to be helpful and supportive of others, even when you feel awful, and that says a lot about your character. Your presence is comforting to me.
@Ninjastar, you bring tears to my eyes. Thank you ️