So, since my last breakdown in March, ive noticed my ego to have been changed, to a point where i cant recognize myself in my choices. It is a scary thing to be robbed of being yourself. You think not like you want to think. You make choices and they arent even rewarding or recognizeable to you. And nothing can change this.
During my hospital time though, ive had some great moments, but as always the illness takes over and makes you live in misery for months, after having couple of good days.
Now i dont even know what i am anymore. Some sort of zombie, waiting for god to stop threatening me with hellfire, for being a bad angel. Waiting for god to tell me again that jesus isnt god, neither is allah and to tell me again that there are no sins, or evil in the world, but only destiny.
So tired of being a victim, i cant stand it anymore. All your powers are taken and all you can do is enjoy being a passive potatoe, which just lies around and has no self nor will of its own.
If your ego changed during a breakdown; does time heal the wounds or do you think the changes are forever?
@Minnii, maybe it would work for you if you avoided reading in the unusual beliefs section. Wouldn’t that eliminate most of the religious stew?
I think Torrey is right that religious confusions abound in schizophrenia because it is a disorder that develops when we are young and our belief system is under formation and questioning.
I went through that too and didn’t gain much distance or perspective on it myself until my mid-30’s. Then it just seemed like I became interested in other things and others’ interests in their “higher selves” or whatever seemed as charmingly childish as hula-hoops or jump-rope.
Anyway, I’m sure it’ll pass and hope you have a good vacation from the forum…
I just need a break from the forum, thanks for caring @Twang
I had a minor episode last night and I think spending my days here is not helping. I’ll keep myself busy and that should help. But no need to worry, I’m out of it
you’ve had a few rough patches since your med change (reduction).