Maybe I should distract myself. Trying to but mind keeps on acting funny.
Thoughts stop and start. Emotions confused. I can laugh or smile one moment then next go blank and dead and sad the next.
Then I want to scream the song “waaa! I feel good!”
Then smile pull face to different expressions, grimace,
trying to hide it from hubby to not concern him act happy but inside I’m everything at once and nothing at once.
I think I’m making it up maybe I’m just bored or an attention seeker or maybe I want to relapse. Fuuck I dunno.
Trying hard to fight Alien’s thoughts in my head to harm my husband. I don’t want to but Alien tells me I want to. Do I want to? No! Or do i? So it goes on.
Am I to be faced with an ever worsening sza and an ever increasing load of meds? Seems so
Going to try phone on monday if I can be fit in with pdoc on wednesday when I’m supposed to go for my meds to outpatients
I hope I’m not pretending. Why would I ? Maybe it’s all a lie. Maybe I’m… just lying. Don’t want to though.
It doesn’t sound like you’re faking anything, it sounds like you are cycling through emotions at a rapid rate. I would definitely ask your psychiatrist About Management tools, possibly that is adding a medication. See what they think once you have described it to them
I really appreciate you breaking down what your going through.
I really relate to some of your experience. My problem is I am just numb blank flat - and I have to fake enjoy sometimes - otherwise I’m just not good to be around. Something is wrong. This is not how life should be.
I think like everyone says - talk to your pdoc. I work on crap every week with my caseworker.