I realize I am trying to hard/over doing it/ probably being smothering, but it’s the smothering thing I’m worried about. I want to show C and my Mom how much I appreciate them being there for me without pushing it too hard. Its been getting harder on them as its been getting harder on me. My Uncle said I should just hug them and tell them I appreciate them when I see them. Doesn’t seem like enough.
I want to give my Mom all the affection she missed out on when I was little (I was deluded and thought she didn’t love me and that she would be happier if I were dead. Not because she hated me but because I was so much trouble) I was really withdrawn.
We clash over everything though, politics, religion, all the fun stuff. I try not to talk about it, but stuff comes up. Like when she said she wasn’t buying any more girl scout cookies because they donate to planned parenthood or something and I tried to tell her that planned parenthood provides all kinds of gyno services (pap smears, ect.) but she couldn’t get past the abortion. Luckily the loud shopping cart was drowning her out so I just told her I couldn’t hear her over it. I guess maybe that’s natures way of giving her some time to herself? I usually get away from her for a little while so she can calm down. This happens almost every time we talk that I’m not in tears.
C is harder. We don’t really clash. But we can’t spend that much time together because I am at school. He says he’s ok with my clingyness but this was pre near psychotic break clingyness. I don’t know what’s going to happen now. Maybe I shouldn’t worry about that. Its my Mom I’m running to. I wonder if delusions about someone make you wary of them even after the delusion is gone.
This makes me kinda (or I guess really) sad. I never really thought myself like the man of steel of emotions, but I haven’t dealt with 1/18th of what most of you have and I am already running to my Mom crying.
Do you look in her eyes?
I don’t know. I guess? I’ve looked in them recently enough to remember what they look like. I’ve had problems looking people in the eye from about day 1 (auspurgers indicator) and I worked really hard at it when it had been pointed out to me by several other people. I look people in the eye now, though too much. I find people look away periodically when they speak so I’m trying to get a hang of that too now.
I never really worried about that with her though. I thought since she has been there since day 1 she knows how I am, but I guess it’s kinda like what Temple Grandin (a scientist with ausburgers said about her Mom)- sometimes she believes I don’t love her.
Maybe even though she’s used me being like that she might like it. Maybe it will make her feel better? A positive sign in a growing disarray of negativity? People like being told they are loved even when they already know it. Maybe this is like that? I can so I should make the effort for her?
When I want to show my mom that I love her I clean the house, make dinner, and do the dishes. Maybe you could do something for your mom. When I was really psychotic from doing drugs I had a delusion about my mom that I strongly believed. It was reinforced by false memories which made it so real. I felt bad about it for awhile. I still feel bad, but have mostly gotten over it. 
Do what you feel comfortable with. She’s known you as you say, since childhood. She knows you,
You used to be a poet? Me, too. Or is it - once a poet, always a poet?
I should attempt the first hurdle in showing love, by attempting to be kind to people, especially my parents.
I show my parents, my family and especially my kid sis that I love them by… staying on my med’s and off street drugs and staying sober. I also show them I love them by owning up and apologizing when I do have a serious mental glitch. I don’t fight them when they sit down and try to tell me about a new therapy or a new idea in kicking this Sz.
I write them a lot of letters stating that I’m still in here. When the wax build-up gets bad, I’m still in here. There was a time I was barely functional. So now I try so hard to function and look after myself and do stuff that I never would have been able to do a few years ago… like cook a small meal for them or just sit with them and try and be a part of the conversation.
Even though I have this tactile thing that makes being touched feel really disorienting after a bit, I will fight that back down and give out a lot of hugs. I’ll let my sis hold my hand. Stuff like that will let them know I love them…
I also just say it to them. For example “Riley, my kid sis. I love you and I’m grateful you’re still with me.”
That seems to work too. 
I don’t show them love, because i don’t love them at all anymore.
In fact i hate them, i hate almost everyone these days.
Abortion isn’t the problem tell her, it’s the non-stop ■■■■■■■ in moronic ways, it’s called a condom and people might want to research it, but after the deed is done even though it’s no where near okay to do usually then abortion is the obvious nessecary thing to do.
Etsaman.
I can’t write poetry any more at all. I half way tried one time because I wanted another poem for the man in my story but I can’t. Kinda like when someone who isn’t musical tries to write a song. That feeling. But I write prose now, and I’m happier with that. I wouldn’t change back for the world. Poetry isn’t dying, it’s dead.
Even good poetry is hard to sell these days.
And you outnumbered almost infinity to one by bad poets.