Ive had the diagnosis of schizophrenia given to me several times by some psychiatrists. I also have had dissensing views from wery brief encounters with other psychiatrists, or rather 1. He thougt I had OCD.
Basic short description:
Always a loner, some friends up until the age of 16. Then need to isolate totally. Was good at school, had mostly B grades, after I turned 16 I skipped school for the most part. I read an article about a 5 year old boy who died from leukemia, and I got terribly guilt about it. It was like the evil and anoying voice Ive had in some degree from 10 years old, that sounds just like me, and is inside my head. Well that voice said it was my fault the boy died, and that I would not live to see 19, because my age 18 devided to 6 + 6 + 6. I was pretty scared by that, and I started worrying about getting an illness. I was perticulary scared of getting an illness that would require surgery. Due to a terrible anestesia experience as a youth. So I started wearing a knife, so that if I got an illness that would require surgery, I would kill myself. Well all that sort of weared of after a few months. I was however hospitolised for anxiety and suicidal thougts/ depression. I was in an open ward. At the open ward, I sort of regressed, and I cried all the time (every day), and I threatened to kill myself and such. So I was comitted, and moved to a closed ward. At the closed ward, I fought medication, and I got a case against me for them to have rights to force medicate me.
I got out a few months after.
When I was out, I moved to my own rented small appartment at the age of 19. I quit taking my meds (haldol), and my OCD fleared up something wastly. I quit all contact with all people, except for my father who drove me to the store 1 a week. I would get so bad contamination fears, that I felt virus being spread by my tv and when I went to sleep I had to endure some gross images of forks being showed down my throat. My appartment was a mess, and I would throw away food, that I felt was contaminated. I burned everything I cooked so that the virus would be killed. When I walked outside, my hands were in my pockeds to avoid sprits and splatter of bodily fluids I saw everywhere. After a couple of years in this situation, I suddenly got better, and even managed to work some, and even got a girlfriend. That ended after 2 years, and I got another GF.
My new GF had terrible diabetes (wery uncontrollable), and was blind due to diabetes, and had generally poor health. This made me worry and OCD like thougts came again. First it was manageable, but suddenly I got the urge to pray several hundred times aday. I would pray for god to remove the thougts Satan placed into my mind, and that I felt god would mistake for my own when he listened in on my thougts. I would see hidden messages in books in the library, and I would start to quarrel with that anoying inner voice, who I thougt was implaned by Satan to spread misery, cancer, damnation, early death etc of people I loved. I got some paranoid ideas as well, for instance I was away with my gf, and I feared a woman on the hotel, was trying to put a curse on me, and also, I suspected a male guest had AIDS and was breaking into our room, to bleed on my razor to infect me. Also when in the hotel pool, I feared that he would bleed into my skin lotion, and once I saw blood in the lotion. And the effect was that I would get wery angry towards these people, but I didnt confront them. I just threw my lotion and razor away.
I now have all negative symtpoms of schizophrenia, perticulary ambivalense, avolition and autistic life style.
So what do you think? Schizophrenia or ocd?
