I guess there are tons of similar topics, but i have been worrying for a while now and i’d like to tell my story as i don’t know where my mental state is headed. I’m afraid i’m slowly getting more schizophrenic. It’s probably going to be a long topic, i want to try to tell everything thats worrying me so someone with more knowledge about schizophrenia then i do has a better view of whats possibly happening to me.
Since the age of 10 i’ve had periods of depression that i had a hard time coping with, i guess being depressed from time to time is normal but i don’t think i really had any good reason to be depressed. Depressions i had where mostly based on a ‘‘what-if’’ scenario in my head that ranged from forced to less-forced. For example, i think when i was 12 we bought a new dog and i really liked him (and still do, i’m 20 now). The dog was still a pup and one evening he was biting on a pen too big for his mouth, and as i took it away from him i couldn’t stop thinking for two days about how saddening, depressing and horrible it would be if he swallowed the pen and choked on it. I could never forgive myself that, and thus, this would make me depressed for 2, 3 days. I could give endless examples but a lot of them are similar in a way and to this day these things often make it hard for me to be happy when i should.
From the age of 12 onward these would become more frequent, and now usually accompanied by strange and bizarre thoughts. For instance; i try to avoid physical contact with babies and young animals. I’m afraid of the thought that i’d be in a position to kill them and even if i don’t want to the scenario in my head makes an impact on me and usually results in depressed moments. I can’t look too long at pictures of young cute animals, instead of thinking there cute i think how horrible it would be if someone would step on them. I hate these thoughts, but i just can’t shake them. For this reason i think if i would live on my own i couldn’t buy any pets. However, when i am at my parent house with the pets these thoughts are not that dominating (and sometimes not even there) and don’t hold me back from cuddling and loving them. I experienced similar thoughts in other situations, though these seem more intense. Like i was walking out of the train, and a mother with her kids where walking past me and as the train started moving and the little kid was next to me i start thinking to myself ‘‘throw him in front of the train’’. I don’t what to do this, i actually want to love and be loved by everyone but these thoughts just seem to suddenly arise in such moments. I avoid balconies and other high places too, as thoughts like ‘‘just jump’’ arise the same way. What scares me the most is the schizophrenia is in my family, my dad has it and my grandpa had it so bad he committed suicide and wasn’t capable of living on his own. Though i never knew my grandpa, i know that he has attempted suicide and even tried to take my mother and my grandma with him. Aside from that i have periods where i avoid contact with knives or other objects that can function as a weapon, simply because of the thoughts that i could kill someone if i want to, and this can range from a flash in my mind of the negative possibilities or full-blown scenarios.
I started a new education 2 years back, i’m really into making music but once i started the study i just couldn’t talk to anyone in my class. I usually shy away behind my laptop (where i make all my music) and tend to avoid social contact, though everyone really likes my music and think i’m one of the best of my class. I play multiple instruments and a lot of people are usually impressed. Things like this should make me more confident about myself and get over my shyness but i never could and for 2 years i have usually only talked to people when i had to. Because of this i barely made any friends in the first 1.5 year’s. Being aware of my mental state which i think isn’t normal anyway + knowing that schizophrenia is in my family and there is a potency of developing a mental state the same as my grandpa i became a bit more talkative. I think this is because i believe i’ll not be sane forever at this pace, and with a fear of getting older till the point i look back at my life and regret not being more social i managed to get over a part of my shyness. Though when i’m not in the position to make music and not with people i feel to be the ‘‘right people’’ i just go sit somewhere or stand somewhere and gaze out before me losing myself in thoughts. This can go on for a pretty long time till a find a reason to stop. I don’t know for sure but i guess people at school would describe me as calm, emotionless most of the time. Nowadays i feel the need of being more alone from time to time then usual. In the last two months i’ve been to the park several times alone to just sit somewhere peacefully without getting disturbed for 30 to 45 minutes just thinking about things, or sometimes not really anything at all.
Sometimes i wake up with a feeling of guilt and feel like i betrayed people, somehow they are usually my parents though i can never think of a good reason why i feel like this. The same goes for just not being happy when i should. I live on my own with 2 good friends, one of the friends is my childhood friend that i know from age 3. We laugh a lot, have the same humor and have similar music and game tastes. When he is around, i usually feel all right. When i’m alone at home and can’t find a decent distraction i get depressed with paranoid and sometimes suicidal thoughts. I never seriously considered suicide, nor do i want to, the thoughts just seem to arise. Now and then i find myself listening to music like ambient and just zone out in a similar way i do when i sit somewhere or stand somewhere in school alone.
I also get told i have strange standpoints and eating habits. For instance, i couldn’t really care less who won the soccer cup. People are like; ‘‘Wouldn’t you like it, or be proud if your land won the cup?’’, and i just can’t find any reason to. The people who would win the cup are trained athletes whom i have no connection with at all aside that we are dutch, because i am. And what does being dutch mean anyway? It means we grew up on the same chunk of land that we call ‘‘the Netherlands’’ and have some plastic card that confirms this. I also believe reality is subjective and made in your mind. If you would look at reality as what it is, it’s 5 types of external impulses (hearing, tasting, seeing, feeling, smelling) organized in your brain as what you experience as ‘‘reality’’. I believe in more realities as we can only experience 5 of these impulses and God knows how many of them are left that we’ll never know about. Maybe there are 1000s of other impulses that make up all kinds of new realities we’ll never know about simply because we can’t experience them. I also experience hallucinations from time to time, often just lines glowing up. For instance, when i have a cable on the ground i can see through the corner of my eye… this could start glowing in a subtle manner. Usually hallucinations involve of just things glowing up for a moment. I also remember (though this is pretty rare) hearing voices. I was taking a shower at night a year or two back before i went to bed and before i turned it on i remember hearing a voice in the distance that yelled a word i couldn’t hear quite right. It wasn’t that loud, but it was loud enough to check if there was still someone awake after i was done. I think i may have had this more then one time though i can’t think of a decent example right now.
Some of my unusual eating habits, at least in my perspective, are for instance eating cold beans. I usually work on music through the day and hate getting hungry. I can’t focus when i’m hungry and i don’t really care what i need to eat for it to go away. I frequently open a can of beans, rinse them, put them in my mouth and try to swallow them without chewing them because it’s the quickest way to get full and get back to work again. Other type of meals include muesli or oatmeal with water, usually only when i run out of milk. People around my house often find me weird for that. I don’t really care for the taste of food anyway, it’s not about the sensation of taste for me, it’s just about not getting hungry. Of course there is food from which i love the taste, but when i don’t have it it doesn’t really mean that much too me.
The last thing that really worried me is that i find myself laughing over things i shouldn’t laugh about. I was at home yesterday and had a few minutes before my train left to the place i needed to go. I had everything, keys, backpack except for my wallet. I always forget where i leave stuff and do my best nowadays to leave them at a standard spot so i know where they are. So a few minutes before i needed to go i lost my wallet somewhere in my room. I got really, really angry and kicked through the door of my closet in anger after searching my whole room through multiple times in a the last 10 minutes before my train would leave, and i still had to walk to the train station. I couldn’t believe that i lost something again, this had to be the 100th time and i just laid down on the floor and started to laugh about it. I don’t know why, i just felt the sudden need to just laugh it all of, though it quickly went back to anger again as i probably had 7 minutes left before my train left. I found it eventually, and still with a bit of haste managed to get on the train on time. Though this is a extreme situation, sudden bursts of anger seem to increase, but then again it’s summer and too much warmth can make me irritated. When i’m irritated and alone it doesn’t take much to get me to aggressiveness. When i’m with people i have more self control, i’m never violent around people. Laughing during anger is rare, though it has happened before.
All in all, all these things i have written i get frequently, though there are periods where i feel quite normal, happy and not suffering from a mental illness at all. These moments usually held me back from seeking help or writing on a forum like this, but since yesterday i think i got to the point where i need to know if this is as bad as i fear it is.
I think this sums it up… there are probably things i’m forgetting but this is pretty much what i’m worrying about. If someone could give me some insight if this is possibly increasing schizophrenia or any other disorder i would be very happy. At the moment i’m just really scared of going insane slowly to the point that i may start doing things like my grandpa did. I’m definitely NOT at that point yet, and perhaps and hopefully i’ll never get there… but i just don’t really know where this my mental well being is going. If you took the time to read all this, thank you a lot. I hope someone on this forum can tell me what i’m going through.