I feel the same my with my abusers. I understand.
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For a long time I held onto a lot of anger at the injustice of everything. Then my therapist asked me if the reason I have so much trouble letting go was because my anger was the only evidence I had that the abuse actually happened. I realized she was right. My abuser never got in any trouble. When I came forward, nobody believed me and everyone told me to stop making up lies. In my head, the only way I could prove to them I wasn’t lying was to show them how angry I was,and how broken I acted.
Once I realized they would never believe ne, no matter how I acted, I was able to stop and evaluate whether holding onto the anger actually served any benefit to me. I decided it did not, and that I would rather devote that energy to helping other people who were in similar situations.
Another thing I realized was that by viewing my abuser as a monster, I was unintentionally reinforcing my own belief that I was also a monster, for being abused. It is very common for survivors of sexual abuse to feel subhuman, and that was how I felt. I spent a lot of time changing my view to see him as a deeply flawed and dangerous person who consistently makes harmful choices, rather than some unknowable monster. This helped me to view myself as human again, and helped me see myself as someone who COULD recover.
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i see, what do i do with all this anger and hate i been building up all this years, i really can’t control it, its making me sick inside. can you help me i dont know what to do.
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For me, it helped to think about what I wanted my anger to accomplish, and whether it was actually accomplishing that goal. I wanted to convince others to hate him also. But I eventually came to terms with the idea that that would never happen. Once I accepted that there would be no benefit to staying angry, it got easier to let go of the anger. Not completely, but just to the point where it no longer feels harmful to me.
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I understand thanks.
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