Schizophrenia.com

I used to be a stalker


#1

I had a deep heartfelt hatred for a bully who manipulated and tormented me when I was younger. I hated his guts, I hated his guts deeply and I wanted to kill him. He took pleasure from manipulating me. He bullied me and caused me a lot of trouble and hate. He laughed at my hurt. I hated him with a passion as he took pleasure at seeing me frustrated and angry and hurt at the situation. I hated him. He laughed at that.

I used to think of killing him. As I said I hated him deeply. I found out where he worked in town and I used to cycle into town every day at about 4pm and wait outside his workplace for him to leave. I remembered to do this like clockwork daily. But I never found him (seemingly he did not work in that office). My mental descent got worse when I found out this bully was taking pleasure from my mental state and he was laughing at me. I hated him.

My mental state deteriorated and I began making anonymous phone calls to him where I would be silent. I hated him. I wanted to kill the ■■■■■■. I hated him with a passion. He is evil. He found out I was making the anonymous phone calls and laughed. This wounde me up further. I hated him. I still hate him, even 15 years later. I still hate him. But I have to learn to forgive him. And the only way I can do this is to know that he is a product, a product of his environment. I need to forgive as I know the hate has caused me trouble for myself. The emotional bitterness, the hate, its just a downward spiral.

You have to learn to forgive, and to know that if you lived that bullies life, you’d be the exact same person. His ignorance has him where he is. And the only way to stop the downward spiral to hate (and the further humiliation for my self) is to forgive. I need to forgive and let the barbed wire round my soul be removed.


#2

Maybe you could love him for being the way he is. Maybe a little simpler. Maybe not.


#3

“Resentment is like taking poison and hoping the other person will die.”


#4

i am like you and have a lot of hate for many people , parents ,old neighbours, old work colleagues i could go on…
i wanted to kill them all, torture them etc etc…
but that hate only destroys you.
the last bit you said was very profound and beautiful, good on you…
take care


#5

I had bullies. I don’t dwell on them. They don’t effect me anymore. I don’t have a strong hate for them but I don’t forgive them. I feel nothing about them or towards them. Why is this? Because I will never see them again. Because I realized a few years ago, that they were assholes. Plain and simple. And why should I let an ■■■■■■■ from back then, bother me now in my mind?I always thought it was my fault I was bullied. But it wasn’t. I couldn’t help not being good looking and wearing glasses. I couldn’t help being shy, awkward and no good with girls. But they were jerks for taking advantage. When I was being bullied by these people (and they bullied me badly) I wanted them to like me. Maybe that was sick of me. But now I don’t care if they ever liked me or if they would like me now if I ran into one somewhere.


#6

May justice be done, then poof, no more resentment.


#7

Im not big on forgiveness…I’m an atheist and I kicked the bully’s ■■■■■■■ inside out when I was a kid. No god is gonna help me, I have to take care of myself and trust doctors (scientists) to help me.

But kudos for not offing the ■■■■■■ and getting committed into a hospital for life.

I think its best to forgive the guy. Stalking is just no and probably illegal. Killing him is for sure illegal, dont do that. But if people dont apologize and look me in the eye, Im not forgiving ■■■■.

I am OK with feeling hatred. What doesnt kill me only makes me stronger. I am like the poster boy for “anger mismanagement”, I make that ■■■■ work for me. You’ve probably heard me rant about how well I am doing. And I still hate myself, hate my life in general and certain other people! Im an exemplar! My docs say in terms of schizophrenia, I am as recovered as possible! Way to go! Get pissed off and beat the ■■■■ out of schizophrenia until you have a normal life and are stable! Keep beating schizophrenia with it’s own arm after you rip its arm off!

Now for problems not associated with schizophrenia…they need work.

But seriously good job not hurting that guy. If someone were to ■■■■ with me I would not just let it go. I think people dont mess with me because of the way I look. It’s been years since someone other than a family member crossed me. Everyone who knows me well knows about my schizophrenia and history of things like threatening people with knives (apparently I did that when I was drunk) and they know that I have a few belts in Krav Maga and am a competitive powerlifter, so one good solid strike from me means hospital to the average person.

sorry to share my expert opinion, I just enjoy feeling hatred, its better than feeling sorry for myself. Self harm is a lot better than attempted suicide. My ego was intact when I burnt myself, my ego was broken when I tried to hang myself. I felt angry and like pain was the only release when I burned myself (I used to put cigarettes out on myself) but I felt like life had this great ape beat when I tried to kill myself.


#8

I’ve had some bullies cross my path. I haven’t forgiven them. But I have just let them live their life and I live mine. I know I’ve told this story before where one guy crossed my path again, I just acted like I had NO memory of the person and said it was too bad he felt the need to pick on sick kids. He got really frustrated.

I’m not the deep well for forgiveness, but I’m pretty good with live and let live.

For me, the harder part is family. I have some family who I’m going to have to deal with soon. It’s harder when it’s family. There is a lot in play. The one brother I’m having a hard time with, would be so easy to cut off, but then that cuts out my very cool nephew and niece.


#9

At least you’re not an evile stalker after girls or kids… :smile:

And you didn’t actually hurt him, though you had the thoughts.

You said this guy bullied you when you were younger. I would just let that go. I’ve had it done to me during grades 1 - 4… I’ve had those thoughts though never went to those extremes.
There was one night when I was 17 and we were drinking I wanted to kill a friend who was a manipulator and stole from his own friends. I actually thought about it. But did not act on it.