Do you guys miss it?

When i was at my clinical worst, i was at my spiritual best. Even if it’s delusion, i can’t help but miss all the deep thoughts and spiritual elation.
It’s hard to want to recover when i miss being sick. It’s paradoxical.
Anyone else have the same problem?

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There was a recent thread about this actually. Well, similar anyway.

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I personally don’t miss it.

It wound up feeling like I was being run off the planet. I’m now approaching a time when I’m just as pissed off and depressed as I ever had been. That’s how it feels today.

People are shoddy. The dudes I enjoy hanging out with are just argumentative up and down. The potential business partner wound up being for narrow minded and pedantic than me, myself… and I’m the one bitching about it on the internet right now.

This has nothing to do with psychosis aside from the original forces that led me to isolation and then indulgence in “spiritualism.” Which was more supposed to be like reviewing mythology. Not believing in any of it at all, but for the sake of entertainment and to maybe wind up more interesting after it. Except no one really knows of the occult. No one has their facts straight on conspiracy theories.

Hell everyone who knows about any of that is biased that there is a God or some higher form on consciousness beyond this, because they are dissatisfied with their experiences or capacities and at least something greater exits out there and there was some abstract purpose to all this.

So in my loneliness I wound sit there and pour over it. I wound it all together… I was stoned most of the time and enjoyed living in that space. Resonate the chakras higher to increase the strength of the soul itself so that demonic energies can’t have their way with you so easily in dreams or after death. Got into thinking about telepathy, because I was developing some really deep grudges against some of the employees working under me. I didn’t want to change them at first… but I want to see into their minds to try and get a sense of just how dumb they were.

Then it wound up in me trying to queer everyone out. Happens when I get put around hetero-douche-males as I am not like them at all. I’m straight, but I ain’t like those inherently disrespectful assholes. I treat everyone the same, or would in theory, male, female, gay, straight, bi… I’m an open and honest dude who likes transparency. Power found in holding secrets isn’t a real power at all. It’s a farce that is closely guarded because it is obviously such.

The ■■■■■■■ get intimidated by me. I’m kind and like-able and not too bad looking. Again though I’m susceptible to being awkward and not handling people smoothly. I’m not of the common culture and nor would I want to be. I don’t support 90% of what’s said out there…

So they tried to pin me down with some reputation of being homosexual, or closet gay… or say I liked this dude or that dude… or particularly emphasize to this female or that female that I’m not into girls. One of the more attractive chicks would come in and sit on the counter next to while I was doing the meat slicing. She’d wind up flattered and reddened a few minutes in. She enjoyed my presence, but they wound up convincing her I was a homo… hah… I mean people are just stupid and so susceptible to group thought. She would rather fit in with everyone as best she could so she could stay cool. I’m too casual a guy to make moves that aren’t certain.

Yeah so… basically I struck back… just dissuaded the whole heteronormative mindset up and down. More or less by subtracting support.

That’s more or less the environment I was in. I couldn’t handle the sense, or nonsense, of it all. I started hallucinating hearing peoples minds… then it turned south real quick.

I thought myself some militant anti-theist with a gay agenda who was connected to alien forces and crap. Total effing nonsense and I don’t miss it at all.

I’m still dealing with my bro. He’s a filthy twat-rat with no insight into anything. The girl I’ve taken to liking the most just intrinsically hangs with his crowd when she infrequently visits… those guys are a slave to the culture of this town. I know she’s mindful of all that… she doesn’t like it here. All the same the culture here basically destroyed her value systems… I don’t want to go into anything deeper than that.

I’m sitting here in spite hating this ■■■■■■■ place. This town brings out and then maintains the worst of people. It’s definitely a familiar feeling. Something I used to know very well before getting sick. Just under a year after moving here I fell ill to the mind rot of Sz. Total god damn isolation in the midst of a city filled with people, the only contact I had with others was total torment.

I don’t mean to hijack your thread here, but I just had to get all that out.

To bring it back though. While I remember the mind-reading thing seeming cool. I was very very stoned… if there is anything I miss about it than it’s just that second bit. Now I can’t find a single person to hang out with who is dabbing or drinking a beer. Everyone is so damned anxious or something it takes some kind of substance to unwind enough to socialize.

God damned land of addicts. The modern life.

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When i am in states of psychosis i create some of the most astounding artwork, poetry, and philosophical quandary essays that i ever do. My talent seems to get exponentially better the deeper into psychosis i go. I occasionally miss being able to create beautiful art seemingly at will with great ease, tho most of the time i create without being totally aware of what im doing. During my absolute worst i am extremely paranoid and delusional so i am unable to concentrate to even speak let alone create something. I guess there’s a fine line i walk to access my creative genius. Other than that, i do not miss it. The delusions tear me apart and the paranoia is endlessly tormenting.

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I think any life we get used to living, in some ways we miss it.

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I don’t miss it…the euphoria I had in my first episode turned to high adrenaline terror in my second episode…there was still visions of euphoria and everyone in the world loved me and knew who I was when I was ill but I don’t miss the terror of thinking I was a laser on a CD without a body…terrifying…don’t stop your meds please. You deserve happiness with what being stable can give you. You must be patient.

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You’re amazing. Great read. People are generally unintelligent and sheldom compassionate. It’s obnoxious and pathetic. I feel you.

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I wanted to respond earlier, but I wasn’t truly inclined.

still not.

I’ve heard, “I’ve got good voices, good feelings, and bad voices, bad feelings when psychotic.”

And you’re saying you want to keep the good ones.

Well, you can treat anyone who is convinced they deserve better. Those who don’t, remain.

Hey thanks… Kind of means a lot right now. Just coming out of a low.

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the right age and face will do it, right?

I’m sorry, Bryan. I didn’t mean to start anything.

I don’t remember asking for nude shots.

You don’t have to blame me for it.

That shows your immaturity.

Man you’re effing hilarious! I hope you can deal. But at least you have a sense of humor.

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No I don’t miss seeing myself as food in someone’s mouth somewhere. That scared the hell out of me. It still does if I think about it - so I don’t let myself. Meds are good.

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thanks man… I’ll hang in there.

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You got it…

I’m gonna use “twat-rat” myself, unless you object.

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Wasn’t till my third hospital stay I really committed to therapy. Worst Involuntary and the psychosis from hell I really didn’t want to go through all that ■■■■ ever again.

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